


A Maze of Thoughts

by orphan_account



Category: Amazingphil - Fandom, Dan/Phil, Danisnotonfire - Fandom, Phan
Genre: Fluff and Angst, M/M, Multi, Phan-Relationship, Self Harm, possible triggers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-02-24
Updated: 2014-08-25
Packaged: 2017-12-03 11:42:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 27
Words: 55,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/697883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan's oblivious to Phil's feelings towards him. His own feelings -and maybe even his world- are thrown out of control once Phil brings home a boyfriend. Rated T(+) for triggers. (self-harm)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dan brings home his girl

**Author's Note:**

> Slash between Danisnotonfire/ Amazing Phil  
> M/M (at some point)  
> Rated T for themes of self-harm.  
> (Will be fluffier in the future)  
> \---  
> God, I feel so much more comfortable writing about fictional characters.
> 
> I wonder if Dan/Phil ever feel insulted some Phanfic writers portray them as cutting? I mean, I don't know how I'd feel.… in any case, I honestly hope this never has/did/will/does happen to either of them, they make my day when no one else can, and they are some of the few awesome and good people on the planet.
> 
> All commentary is welcome, I will be the first to admit that I need help improving my writing.
> 
> Here goes nothing.

Drawing the blade across his skin, Phil sighed gratefully as blood painted his near-white expanse of his arm, enjoying the sting and the following numbness it gave him in the midst of his turbulent thoughts.

Dan goes girl hunting. He'll bring someone home for sure; all he has to do is flash his dimple, or his smile. Makes sense, I'm not good enough. Never was, never will be. He'll never notice me. Not in that way. Guess is should be a normal thought now, Dan with a girl. Or a guy. Anyone not me... Another and another...

Phil watched as the blood dripped steadily into the already waiting tissues around his arm, stark white in contrast to the dark red running down from his elbow, readying his slightly shaking his hand to go deeper.

_32,33,34…_

Examining his arm as he made the cut once again, he noticed previous scars had almost blended with his skin, no distinction between the pale slivers and his pale skin, not unless someone looked closely, not unless someone saw the small, shiny scar that remained.

_I'm glad I use such a small thing. It leaves close to no sign it was there… it's so small, it doesn't show the 'big' problems behind it. And who would notice them anyway?_

Grinning at the sharpener blade in his hand, he put it back on his nightstand, devoting more attention to his arm.

_No matter how much I want Dan to notice me, I really don't want him to notice these. That… would be… bad. I should head out before Dan comes home. Who knows who he'll bring back this time._

Bandaging his arm, he winced as the rough fabric brushed the new cuts, the burn feeling better than the initial sting, lasting longer. Like a long punishment versus a small reprimand.

 

Shaking his black angular hair out of his icy blue eyes, Phil grabbed at the blade on his table, almost ashamed that it was so out in the open. Putting the small thing in his pocket, he stumbled into the bathroom, clutching crimson tissues in his hand. Suddenly feeling lightheaded, he clutched at the counter, glancing up to see himself in the mirror. Ugh, no wonder no one pays attention to you. Shaking his head disgustedly to rid himself of his giddy-ness, he quickly looked away from the mirror and around him,before flushing the tissues down the toilet. Making sure there were no signs of what he had done, he guiltily made his way out of the bathroom, flicking the light off with an air of finality.

_Let's go._

 

Phil paused in the hallway as he heard laughter, male and female. The door creaked open after a brief hassle of keys, and Phil quickly made his way to his shoes, barely hiding the scowl on his face, his teeth gritted. The scowl quickly vanished, replaced with a fake smile as Dan entered towing a slim, pretty, green eyed brunette, his faded converse the first thing Phil saw before looking up with a smile, the pain he felt hidden, folded away in a padlocked chest behind his eyes. Phil's heart hitched at Dan's laughter, the pleasant, teasing sound, making his lips twitch.

 

"Hey honey! I'm home!" Dan joked, calling out as his converse hit the ground behind them with a plunk as he kicked them off.

"Hullo. I was just heading out… Who's this?"

The brunette blushed, extending her arm as she shyly stepped from behind Dan, her bob cut at a fashionable angle, her clothing girly with frilly white lace and a traditional, yet short, blue skirt. Phil smirked, feeling his stomach twinge at disgust with himself. Nice taste, Dan.

 

"Hi. I'm Aisling. Dan's girlfriend?"

"Oh! Of course, sorry. I'm so bad at names."

"No worries. You must be Phil?" 

Shaking her delicate hand, and at the same time glancing down to make sure his sleeves covered his arm entirely, he asked politely, his jaw slightly rigid with the scorn he felt towards her, "That's me...Ireland?"

"Indeed! I don't suppose you're from home aswell…?"

Phil smiled at her, seeing his distaste towards her had no good reason. His eyes lighting up slightly with curiosity, flicking his hair out of the way to get a good glimpse of her. _I need to get out of here soon._

 

"No, I'm from England on both sides of the family. Right, I'll leave you two lovebirds alone. Dan, need anything?

 

Maneouvering himself behind Aisling to get his coat, Phil glanced at Dan, who was still staring, and blushing, at the quick exchange between the two.

 

Snapping out of it, Dan grinned at him, making his stomach do summersaults. "Er- no. Wait! Yes!"

Phil wrinkled his nose knowingly, quickly getting sick of the happy act he was putting up. "Maltesers?"

"Of course. I mean, what else should I want?" _Me? What if one day you disappear with a girl.._

Awkwardly shuffling out of the apartment and closing the door, he heard Aisling's high-pitched voice ask "Did we chase him out? I'm sure he didn't like me…"

Phil winced as Dan's tone switched from being teasing to reassuring.

"No, he looked ready to leave. He likes everyone. He just needs to warm up to them." Phil's cold demeanor broke as he heard Dan's smile in his voice, knowing that he, at least caused a smile out of him. Wrestling his coat on, he headed towards the elevator. He needed fresh air. Soon.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys!
> 
> I wrote this on Phil's birthday  
> -but submitted it on fanfic.net, not here, which is why it's so late xD

\- (Phil's Perspective)

_I've been kicked right down_  
 _I've been spat in the face_  
 _I've been pulled, weighed down_  
 _To the lowest place_

Phil plugged in, music blaring out of his headphones, loud enough to finally block out his thoughts, crawling in like black ants inking out the brightness and kindness in his mind.  
Resting his head against the cool metal of the elevator, he shook his angular hair out of his eyes, heading anywhere but the apartment.  
Subconciously, he headed towards the train, with nowhere else to go.

_I could just… run away. Get a life away from Dan, from this uncertainty, away from all these feelings of depression. He doesn't know I feel that way, and I'll make sure he never will… I don't want to ruin what we have._

After riding around on trains for the better part of the afternoon, Phil stopped on his was back home.  _I suppose Aisling is still over._

Sighing in regret, he veered towards the pub for a drink- it a dangerous habit he'd taken to over the summer, his last resort for getting out of the house. Sitting down roughly on a stool, he grimaced at the bartender. "Hey, Phil. What can I do for you?" Sighing, Phil pretended to look at the list of drinks _._

_It's sad I've become this familiar with the barista._

"Hi Seb. The usual, please."

Glancing around as the drink was prepared, he was surprised it was almost dark outside, streetlights beginning to turn on. People began crowding in over the next few minutes, evidently uni students out for a night, making Phil reminisce. It had been a few years, but he couldn't say he missed Uni in comparison to what he did now.  
Seb smiled at him sadly before placing the drink down. He'd heard enough stories about Dan to know how Phil felt- and why he was here.  
Looking down into his amber coloured drink, Phil didn't notice an attractive, athletic figure move towards him.  
Looking up quickly as the figure sat next to him, he jumped, heart pumping, quickly thinking it was Dan.

"Dan? I thought you were with Ais- oh. Oh, sorry, wrong person." Glancing over the man once again, Phil didn't really know what came over him. This attractive person was nothing like Dan, with mildly spiky black hair, a toned figure and muscular arms.

_Phil, what the hell are you thinking? Not all people relate to Dan. You're going to give yourself a heart attack if you keep thinking that way._

"'s all right. But I'm Mike, not Dan. Who're you?"

  
Extending his arm to the side, Phil smiled, nodding his head towards the bartender.

"Hi. I'm Phil. Are you getting anything?"

"Yeah, sure one sec."

Turning to the bartender, with a gravelly voice, Mike said "Could I have a vodka on the rocks, please?"

Turning to Phil, he asked, "Can I buy you a drink?" Lifting up his beer, Phil declined. "No, thank you." Smiling mischievously, he said, "but maybe when I'm done?" Nodding, Mike turned towards the bartender with a grin, taking his drink from him.

_Holy. He's…cute? Phil. You like Dan, yes? Yes. But he likes someone else, so I…can. And I could show him I don't need his attention. Or myself. Since he doesn't know. Yes. He…Mike... seems interested. So why not?_

"So, what do you do for a living?" Phil blushed at the question.  _How embarrassing is it to say I'm a YouTube 'sensation'._ "Well. I'm...a youtube-er. It sounds bad, doesn't it?"

Mike grinned at him, relief evident on his face. "It's funny you say that, seeing my job is...well, I'm an animator. Graphic designer… major internet-based person."

  
Phil's blue eyes widened in incredulity.  _Wow. Someone_ _ **that**_ _good looking … on the internet?  I mean, apart from Dan.._ "That is so cool! I never thought someone like you would... wait. That sounds insulting. I swear I don't mean it to be!" Phil flailed his hands in despair, his eyes widening. "Rephrase. Uhm. I would never have placed you as a designer!"

Mike laughed, Phil's  _adorableness_  growing on him. "Someone like me? That sounds slightly like Adele..."

  
"Well, well I mean..."  _This is going to be awkward if I suddenly admit to thinking he's cute. Not as cute as Dan, obviously, but that's a whole new level._

  
"What?" Mike tilted his head at him, taking a sip of his drink at the same time, a teasing smile growing on his face.

  
 _Oh god, what am I doing._ "Well, someone as, let's say, well-cut as you shouldn't be on the internet. You should be on posters around town."  _Why, Phil, why do you do this to yourself? Putting yourself in these situations. Watch him slowly back away…_

  
"And you're saying I can't say the same for you, especially with your eyes?"  _Wait, what?_

"Well, if you searched me up on YouTube you'd find out what I mean. ...I hiss at sunlight."

  
"But you're here?"

  
"Getting away from my roommate and his girlfriend. I suppose she's gone by now but now that you're here... I have someone to talk to. Especially one with a...Welsh -I'm guessing- accent."

  
"Yep, I'm Welsh. Didn't know people could recognize this accent that easily..."

  
"I study accents when I avoid my roommate. I can't imitate them like my friends can, but at least I recognize them now." Phil said with a sheepish grin.

  
Mike flashed a winning smile. "I had a roommate once."

  
"Once? Did you murder them or something?" Phil wiggled his eyebrows comically.

  
Laughing, Mike retorted "No, but I had the same problem. I had to get out all the time, because he was there with a friend. Or a girlfriend. Or even his mother, who practically hated my guts since I didn't have a good, well-paying job at that time. It got awkward when I walked in on them doing it. Not- not the mother! I mean his girlfriend."

Phil winced, though grinning at the same time.  _If I ever walked in on Dan and Aisling... I don't even want to think about it._  
"That would be horrible." Phil said, downing his drink in one go to forget the thought, Mike ordering him a new one with the flick of a hand, the barista grinning at him.

  
"So, is that Dan your roommate?"

  
"Well, yes he is." Phil paused, scared for a moment that this was a 'fan girl' hiding their intentions. "How did you know?"

  
"When you first talked to me-"

  
"I called you Dan. Right... Sorry. I don't even know how, you look nothing like him. So, if you live alone, why are  _you_  here?"

  
"Neighbours are having a party. Without me. They'll miss my sexiness, but it's so loud I can't hear myself think."

  
Laughing, Phil asked wonderingly "Why do they even have that expression? Hearing your thoughts. It sounds silly. Then again, I do talk to myself aloud so I can't say anything..."

  
Grinning and putting a hand through his hair, Mike said "Who knows? … Wait, so I'm sitting next to a mentally deranged person?"

  
Phil shook his angular hair out of his eyes, getting a glimpse of the hazy shadows and light in the bar before turning back, a grin lighting his eyes. "Oh. I should have told you. Sorry, I thought you knew from the beginning. So, warning, warning! Mentally handicapped person here." Rubbing his arms subconsciously, Phil smirked, masking his internal thoughts.

_If only he knew about the cuts._

Then  _he'd think I was_ actually _mentally deranged. I have no reason to cut. None. Think happy thoughts, you're not alone, you're with Mike. And he seems to like you._

Ignoring the fact Phil was having a battle with himself mentally, Mike asked, an eyebrow hitched "What exactly do you do on YouTube?"

  
 _He has no idea._ Phil grinned, his eyes lighting up. "So many answers, so little time. You'd have to come over so I can show you. ..If you wanted?"

Mike looked tentative, making Phil's face grow longer with every passing moment. "But what about ..Dan and his girlfriend?"

Grinning at the fact that Mike actually listened to him before and had been considering his answer, Phil replied "Well it's-" glancing at his wristwatch he saw it was getting late. "…Almost 10 o'clock. She'll be gone or sleeping, and Dan keeps to his room, if you know what I mean."

_At least I think he does. I don't exactly stick around to see whether he has sex or not._

"Alright, why not. Let's hope today isn't out of the norm. That would be awkward, but at least it would give me an excuse for you to come over to my place."

  
"I'll definitely take you up on that if…  _That_  happens. It's only a ten minute walk, you up for it?"

"How else do you think I have these muscles?" Mike flexed his right arm.

  
Phil lifted his eyebrows suggestively, barely holding in a laugh. "Do you want me to answer that question?"

  
"No. Probably...probably not."

  
Tipping the barista, they left laughing, their worries forgotten.

* * *

 

\- (Dan's Perspective) -

 _Where the hell is he?! He left five hours ago, and it's ten o'clock. He must've known Aisling would be gone by now. Then again, he's always out when I have someone over. Damnit Phil, where_ are _you?!_

Dan dialled Phil's number again in despair, wondering if he should go out looking for him, a gruesome image of Phil covered in blood in an alleyway taking over his mind.  _I've read enough stories of people getting murdered in London._  Running a hand through his hair, he looked up hopefully as the door creaked open, wondering if he should be worried whether a psychopath was coming to kill him or if it was just his best mate. Seeing Phil's inky black hair peeking around the door, his heart leapt, and he was suddenly torn between hugging him with relief of screaming at him in anger for worrying him to bits.

"Helloooo Dan?" Phil's voice resonated around the flat, a slight tremor in his voice.

_Why the_ _**hell** _ _does Phil sound worried. I'm the one who is supposed to be worried. It's past ten!_

Slowly walking in, Phil pulled someone in behind him. Phil quickly moved to see them, stopping as Phil dragged someone's sinewy arm in.

 _None of our friends are that strong. The hell?_  
"Hey, Phil. Where were you? You were gone for quite a while."

_Long enough to get me worried. Well. That and the fact that if something happened to Phil, I'd…_

Phil's face brightened as he stepped in, somehow lightening Dan's mood. "Hi Dan! I headed out for a stroll and I brought someone back with me so, Mike, this is Dan and Dan this… this is Mike."  _A stroll. At ten. Right, well when this Mike is gone..._  
Dan extended his arm as Mike said "Ah, so the infamous Dan. Heard a lot about you."

Something struck Dan wrong about his entire appearance and getup; it looked prepared, not casual as most would be for a night out. He was friendly, Dan admitted to himself reluctantly, not sure why he disliked this man from the start.

Phil edged closer to Mike as he spoke, and Dan's mind started to jump to conclusions he was surprised he even came up with.

 _Wait. Did they hook up? No. Is Phil bi? Or gay? Were the fans right? What?! No, no. Phil's friendly, he could take anyone home, if only for a drink or a game. Besides, this guy could be a friend of a friend. But come on, out for a stroll and dragging_ this _back? This guy with huge muscles and spiky hair? Honestly. Our friends…Spiky hair. Really? Spiky hair is for chavs or really cool kids... not...us, not even now as adults. So Phil has to be at least partly drunk, or something. He can't_ suddenly _be with a guy. –if he's…together…_ with  _him, I mean- He's had loads of girlfriends before. I guess that doesn't stop him from finding any boyfriends, but, hell. He would've told me, right? We're best friends._

Dan grinned at him, hiding his confusion, glancing back and forth between him and Phil. "I hope it's all good, but if I'm infamous…?"

"Oh, believe me, it's  _all_  good. Are you a youtube-er too?"

_Wait, so Phil didn't tell him that part? They look familiar enough._

_All good? What's that supposed to mean?_

_Please leave._

"Yeah, I am, but I'm studying in uni at the moment. What do you do?" Dan tried not to glare at him, an easy-going smile masking his thoughts.

"He's a designer!" Phil answered excitedly for him, sitting them both down on the sofa, soon afterwards quickly jumping up and heading to the kitchen.

From behind the counter, he asked "What would you two like?"

Dan frowned, trying to subtly get his point across.  _It's ten o'clock. You should be here alone, Phil._ "At ten?"

"Well I just had a beer, so I can say I'm awake."

Dan looked unsure, wanting some time to think over things, still reeling over the fact that there was a chance Phil was possibly bisexual,or even gay,  seeing all the glances Mike directed at him.

"I was about to head to bed before you came in."

"Are you sure?"

Stifling a sigh, Dan looked at the grin on Phil's face, and a strange hatred started to form towards Mike.

_I'll leave them alone._

Phil looked disappointed, doing a half pout that made Dan's stomach churn with guilt. Setting his jaw, Dan decided to go to bed as they shared covert glances  at the edge of his vision. "Nah, I won't have anything… I'll head to bed."  _They don't exactly need me here._

Phil watched him go with regret "Oh, alright. Mike?" Mike's head snapped up, having carefully watched the exchange between the two in the reflection of the window, not liking how Dan was behaving towards Mike's existence; he'd noticed the looks, the glares. "Sorry?"

Phil looked at him questioningly. "What would like as a drink, or food?"

"What are you having?"

"Just tea, the beers are getting to my head." 

"Then I'll have the same." Mike said, smiling up at him.

"Really? Alright."

In his room, Dan sat himself down on his bed, not even bothering to turn on the light, scowling at the laughter coming from behind his door.

Dan listened as Phil shuffled around, admitting to himself he had been more worried than he should have been.

_Phil is a responsible adult, and I can't control his actions. But he can't only have gone out for a drink._

It shocked him that he never thought about it before.

_Where_ _did_ _Phil go when I have someone over? Did he always go see Mike? No, Phil said he went on a 'stroll' and brought him back… which doesn't mean he didn't plan it. Well, he's had a few beers by the smell, but not enough to be so drunk to randomly get with a guy. They must have gotten together at somepoint, seeing all the eye-fucking that had been going on. And Phil's worried introduction. So. Phil's… bisexual. What does that make me?_

_Wait. Dan. You're straight. Why are you overthinking this? He's your best-friend, you were never attracted to him… and you have Aisling to worry about. What's the problem?_

Dan's mouth twitched downwards as he flipped the pillow on his bed once more, not sure what was wrong with him.

_Why don't I like this guy? He seems friendly, makes Phil laugh, and so what if Phil's suddenly bi._

_I suppose I'm scared Mike'll take Phil away from me. Yeah. That's it. But he won't. Phil has always stayed with me. And he always will. …Right?_

 


	3. Chapter 3

During the night, there was a lot of laughter coming from the living room. A high pitched squeal rang out, waking Dan, making him fall out of bed with a thump as he struggled with his bed covers in surprise, the fabric tangled around his limbs. His chin pressed on the rug, he held in a sneeze, wincing at the strange feeling. Glancing around and brushing his brown hair out of his eyes, he saw it was only around midnight, and he'd scrambled his sleeping routine by going to bed so early- and waking up now. 

_Wonderful. Sleeping before midnight, and I wake up an hour later._

Walking out of his bedroom to see what was going on, he saw them on the sofa, Mike tickling Phil, and he could see they were getting intimate.  _Hot breath against skin, palm in palm._  The rough fabric of Mike's shirt stretching against his stomach revealed a six pack-no,an  _eight_  pack.

Uncomfortable, judging his own body in comparison, Dan started backing away noiselessly as he saw something that made him reel in shock: ribbing, dark red lines, all along Phil's forearm. He only got a glimpse Phil's long sleeve covered them once more. 

_Phil cuts?_

Dan wanted to grab hold of him, hug him, and throttle him. He wanted to know what was going on, but he knew that wasn't a good idea.

_I can't, not while Mike is here. Bloody Mike. How the hell did I miss out on Phil cutting? How did I miss out on him being...bisexual? Why would he hide it? Why wouldn't he tell me? What is going on that I don't know about?! Why would he even cut in the first place? What ins't he telling me? What the hell?_

Pausing looking back at Phil, his thoughts we a mess as he thought of how happy and cheerful Phil usually was.

 

_… Maybe I imagined it? I only glimpsed it... I'll see tomorrow, and leave these two to their... thing. I'm probably just... imagining things._

Dan paused before heading back to his room, looking back at them once more. He winced at the setting: the room was dimly lit, and it was almost romantic; the city lights twinkled in the window facing the sofa, the television was off. All of this, paired with the previous drinks and cuddling, let Dan know he had to get out of there, a strange pit in his stomach starting to form.

* * *

 


	4. Chapter 4

Going back to his room, he rested his head against the wall, taking in the coolness, trying to block out his thoughts. Heading to bed, he stuffed his face in his pillow, sleep not coming as quickly as he wanted it to; he restlessly moved in bed, getting no sleep whatsoever, too worried about the implications of Phil's cuts.

  _How could I be so blind? I'm his best friend, dammit. Why is he hiding so many things? And I … if he's bi... no, no. Not important at the moment. His cuts are. Not you, Dan. You're so selfish. So selfish you're blind to Phil's pain._ Dan pinched himself out of the thoughts.

Rolling over, he saw it was early. A bright green light shone 7: 00 AM into his face.  _Must have fallen asleep at some point._ Too early for Phil, let alone him. Or so he thought, until he heard a quiet noise moving towards the bathroom.  _I wonder who's up? Did Mike stay over?_  
Getting up, he padded quietly to the kitchen, his long bottoms grazing the ground slightly with the slithering sound of cotton against wood panelling. Outside, it was still dark, snowfall muffling any traffic that could be seen at this hour in Manchester.

  
Grabbing himself a pack of Country Crisp, his favourite, and a plain ceramic bowl, he sat down on the sofa, and cracked open his computer. Scowling at the unbidden light, he curled up, the bowl of cereal in his lap as he scrolled through Tumblr and YouTube, trying to get his mind off things. That didn't work so well once Phil came padding out of the bathroom in only a towel. Dan noticed his close to emaciated figure and,  _especially_ , his arms, scars picked out and shining with the blue light on his computer.  _So I didn't imagine it_. His voice trembled as tears threatened to spill as he noticed new cuts lining the inside of his wrist.  _Oh god. No crying._   _I never cry._ Trying not to sound desperate so as to give away what he saw, Dan said "Morning Phil. Mike still here? I mean- should I head out for the day?"

"Wah!" Phil jumped in surprise, no having heard nor seen Dan in his corner, his towel slipping slightly. "Uhm. I didn't realize you were up this early. And no- he left early for his job since there's congestion around his work area." Phil futilely tried to hide the new cuts on his arms, hugging them against him before realising he should go, retightening his towel as he went towards his room.

"Phil?"  
Phil's voice shook slightly as he responded; absolutely sure Dan would ask him about his cuts. "Dan, I know you like to see me half naked,"  
 _Why, yes- yes I do._ Dan shocked himself with the thought.  _Wait. Shit. What. No. I'm not even gay,- Dan concentrate. His cuts. He wants to hide them._ Dan blushed, glad Phil's back was to him, his mouth open as he was about to respond, Phil cutting him off "but I need to get dressed before you ask any questions."  
"Aw. But I like seeing you half naked." Dan half joked, hoping Phil wouldn't catch on with this risky play.  
"Well, "Phil said, a smile in his voice "if you like to see me half-naked, you should see Mike. He is  _ripped_. I mean,  _an eight pack_. But, you don't like  _guys_ , but even then, you have to appreciate  _that_." Phil said with a joking -yet mixed with something else- tone.

Dan's jaw snapped closed, an almost audible groan coming out of his mouth.  _Of course they slept together. What was I thinking? What else would a tickle fight lead to? On the sofa?_ Dan looked horrified, remembering he was sitting on it. _Oh god._ Turning back to his cereal, Dan found he had lost his appetite, grimacing at the acrid taste in his mouth, his mind switching from one horrible topic to another.  _This next conversation … about cutting...is_ _ **not**_ _going to be fun. How will Phil react? Denial? No, not his type. Aggressiveness? Not his type of thing to do either... Damnit! Why can't I predict these things?_  A voice at the back of his head responded, ' _because you never thought they would happen to him too, he's too cheerful to be like you. All people hide behind their smiles.'_  
Dan subconsciously rubbed his ankles gently, old and new scars flaring up against his touch as he remembered the pain he felt as he did then. He'd always been sure to keep away from his arms. No one stared at ankles. "Dan?" Dan jumped as Phil sat down next to him, strangely smelling somewhat like a girl, a plaid shirt covering his arms, his black skinny jeans covering his legs. No mentioning it, Dan shut his laptop turning towards him.  _How the hell am I supposed to start?_

  
"What?" Phil asked while Dan just sat there, not knowing what to say, awkwardly fiddling with his hands.

  
"Uhm...I don't even know how to say this."

  
"Say… what?"

  
"That... I've seen.."

  
"Seen what?" Phil looked worried, his blue eyes downcast.

  
"Your arms."  _Go straightforward, Dan. Be an idiot. He'll clam up. The hell is wrong with you._

  
Phil smiled slightly, trying to avert the conversation. "Oh. What about them? Everyone has arms?"

  
"Don't be coy, Phil. Lift up your sleeves."

  
Dan slowly turned around, no longer facing away from Phil. "Please, Phil..." His voice started lowering close to a whimper. "I won't do it for you. But I get it... if you don't want to."  _Smart, Dan. Make an accusation and back away. Sounds like you, the coward you are._

"I swear there's nothing there." Cautiously Phil, bit his lip. He hated lying, especially to Dan. It was strange- he could never lie this well.

"If there's nothing there, then why won't you show me?" Dan's voice went raspy and quiet all at once, the hum of the computer on Dan's lap sounding louder than ever.

Phil looked lost for words, his emotions assaulting him all at once; surprised at the quick turn of events, angry at the accusation, and sad to hear the pain in Dan's voice. His face went slightly pink under Dan's steady gaze, not sure what else he would say.  _I can't break. I can't show him my own scars. That would lead somewhere else._ Keeping his mouth shut, Phil watched Dan intently as Dan's emotional mask started to break, emotions folding into one.

Dan looked broken. What had changed so that Phil would lie to him?  _Am I really that bad? Why doesn't he trust me anymore?_  Dan's shoulders sagged.  _Fine. He'll... he'll tell me in his own time._  
"Fine, Phil... If you don't want to show or...tell, that … that's up to you. But you have to know that I don't care... about the cuts, I mean. I'll still be there for you whatever happens." Phil placed his hand to his face, hiding his emotions; he regretted lying to Dan, who was obviously very hurt by it. He'd only hidden them because he didn't know how Dan would react, and this was not how he'd pictured it. Neither of them knew what to say.  
 _Oh crap. Oh crap. Oh crap. This is bad. What do I say now?_

"Phil..." he tried again.

  
"What, Dan?! What do you want?" Phil's lips trembled, slowly inching away from Dan, praying his eyes wouldn't give him away. "I don't see why you should care now? It's not like you did before."  _Before?_

  
Phil stormed off into his bedroom before Dan could see the tears in his eyes. Dan sighed, close to tears himself.  _I suppose that wasn't unexpected._   _It shouldn't hurt so much. There's the second time he goes to his room._  
Dan walked slowly to Phil's door, leaving the computer behind him, navigating in the darkness of the hall. Knocking politely, extending the same courtesy Phil always had to him, Dan said quietly, almost a pleading murmur "Phil? Phil, please..."

  
"What? Leave me alone!" Anguish was evident in his voice, muffled by the rustle of cloth.

_I can't risk him doing it more._

  
"I can't stand it when you're mad at me. I do care. I swear I do. I wish I could show you how much I did, I just don't know how to. I don't know how to do anything. You helped me through my crisis when I was in uni and now it's my turn. I don't know how to help and it's killing me. Please, Phil, come out, yeah?"

There was an eerie silence that made Dan shudder, and feeling uneasy he pushed the door handle down. It stuck. Phil had locked the door, the creak of wood evident in the increasingly scary silence.  _Shit, shit shit shit. Phil._  "Phil, Phil please... Don't do this... Please. "

* * *

Dan paused at the door to decipher the wave of emotions overcoming him over the past few hours; he didn't want to suddenly blurt out something he shouldn't.

He realised was jealous of Mike, but not why.

He realised how close he and Phil had been- closer than most best friends were. There was always a thin line between a relationship and friendship. But somehow, he'd ruined that without realising it. It shocked him to think that he might feel more than friendship to Phil- but he didn't know what it was. He was attracted to Aisling, but with Phil- he just wasn't sure.

It would be strange to be attracted to one's best friend, especially if they had their own little relationship going on.

He felt scared- Was he really attracted to Phil? What brought this on? 

He felt angry because Phil didn't trust him-

And he felt ashamed, because all of this had happened because of him:

Phil found Mike because Dan had Aisling over.

Phil cut –possibly- because of him; Phil had said 'before'.

He didn't know for sure until this morning- and how he hadn't noticed before was beyond him.

And he was selfish: and his selfishness had made him blind.


	5. Chapter 5

Phil, for one, felt both horrible and wonderful at the same time, since keeping quiet had always been both his weakness and his weapon. Dan caring, for one, was a sight to see, and he, Phil, was in power. Dan wasn’t the one with all the attention for once; but he still felt horrible. Making Dan feel this way was never his plan, it was always why he had hidden his cuts at every expense.  
  
Dan sat outside Phil's room, not caring what anyone thought of him he let the tears roll down his cheeks. _If he’s hurting himself because of me..._

“Phil, Phil please… Let me in.” He leaned his head against the door, his fringe brushing against the smooth wood, waiting for a reply. “Phil, come out. I’ll make you tea?” Phil mumbled, humbled by Dan’s efforts. _Tea has to work._

Dan walked slowly to the kitchen, filled the kettle with water and then switched it on. He got a bowl out of the cupboard and filled it with cereal, carefully following Phil’s instructions: He lined the bowl with wheaties and then filled the other half with Shreddies before soaking it in milk. Dan balanced it carefully on a tray, placing the hot steaming tea beside the bowl, taking it to Phil’s door. He knocked gently with one hand. "I brought you frosted wheaties.” _Phil, come on, please..._  Hearing a sigh, he bit his lip. _The moment of truth..._  
  
Dan heard the click of the door unlocking, metal grating against metal, cringing internally as he saw Phil's paler than usual, unhappy face as it creaked open.   
_Oh god. I caused this by asking him what was wrong?_  
Phil’s mouth half lifted into a sad, drooping smile as he opened the door wider to let Dan in. He noticed Dan's red, half shuteyes and couldn't help himself any longer. He threw his arms around Dan's neck, bursting into tears. He realised that Dan was in tears as well, and his muscles tensed as Dan moved slightly, wrapping him closer before Dan pulled away.

 “Hey, hey... watch it. I have a tray with breakfast on it. Let me at least put it down.” “Okay.” Phil sounded reluctant to let go, giving Dan a moment to remember Phil was possibly bisexual, even a closeted gay _._ Placing the tray down on the bed, Dan gave Phil an actual hug, invading the space he’d always wanted to be in.  Dan hugged him tighter, taking in a slightly raspberry scent as he felt the older boy’s thin body shudder against him, evidently crying once more. Rubbing his back, Dan felt the ripple of thin cotton against spine, the sound of Phil’s muted sobbing filling the room. Dan fought the urge to play with Phil’s hair, instead hurling his fist at the base of his neck, hoping Phil wouldn’t notice _._ Phil felt Dan hug him closer at the thought, enjoying it, but worried, he asked “Dan? What’s wrong?”   
“I’m just worried about you... and I feel like a complete idiot. How could  be so blind?” _Love is blind. Who came up with that saying again? It makes you want to see how they actually perceive you, trying to make them jealous..._  
“You think I didn’t try to hide it? I mean... I mean how did you even see it in the first place?”  
“Well, you were sort of half naked. Hard not to notice... Phil...” Dan pulled away reluctantly, already missing the feeling of Phil’s soft hair against his cheek, fighting his need to cry.  
“Yes?”  
“Phil... _Why_?”  
Phil shrunk slightly at the immense question. _Why couldn’t it be why is the world spinning round?_  
“I... you- you wouldn’t understand.” he stuttered, sitting back on the bed, the duvet crinkling under his weight as he took a sudden interest in the back of his hands.  
Dan’s fingers trembled he crossed one of his legs, revealing, with the movement of his trousers, several pink, shiny scars.  
“Maybe I do, Philion. Maybe I do.” He responded indistinctly. _Oh god. Why did I show him? Wouldn’t that encourage him? This is going too fast. I could say something completely wrong._  
“Dan-” Phil breathed, his eyes widening at the implications of his small comment- shocked at Dan’s scars. He knew Dan had gone through a moment, but- _Philion?_ “Dan, why?”  
“Phil Lester, you will answer my question first. That is how communication works.”  
Phil sighed sadly, taking a deep breath to calm his nerves. _How am I going to say anything without admitting to everything._  
“I don't know. I just...", Phil tried to explain. "It's just... Argh.."  
 _How am I supposed to say this? I've liked you more than a friend ever since I met you?_  
 _"_ I don't know how to explain."  
Dan started feeling uneasy again. _Does he really not want me to know? Should I just leave it? I'm bugging him. He still doesn't think I care._  
  
“It’s alright.. if you don’t want to tell me. I can go.”  
“Trust me, that’s not it. It’s just...”  
“What, Phil?” Dan’s voice took on an angry tone, his frustration growing as sadness embedded itself in his mind. _He doesn’t trust me anymore..._ “What’s the point? You won’t tell me anyway. You don’t trust me anymore, and I’m sorry. You didn’t even tell me you were-” Dan glared, pulling a card he knew would hurt “Maybe you’ll be able to tell that _Mike of yours_.”   
Storming out of the room, he hastily put on his shoes, grabbed his coat and left the apartment.. He didn’t want to be in Phil’s way anymore, he didn’t want to cause him pain. Dan didn’t go far. He sat at the top of the stairs, not knowing what to do.   
_Go and tell that Mike of yours then. I don’t even know where to go. I always had Phil, or someone with me.... Oh god. What am I even doing? I can’t leave him. Shit. I can’t leave him alone after that, the fuck is wrong with me? See? See, you’re so selfish. You don’t even_ deserve _him as a friend._

  
“What’s the point? You won’t tell me anyway. You don’t trust me anymore, and I’m sorry. You didn’t even tell me you were- Maybe you’ll be able to tell that _Mike_ of yours.”   
  
Phil flinched as Dan stormed out, tears trickling out of his eyes as he heard the door slam shut. He started to sob. _What’s gone wrong so badly that we can’t even tell each other things anymore? Why can’t he understand it was just hard to tell him... and why is it so hard to tell him? Aren’t friends supposed to be honest? I didn’t even tell him I was bisexual._  
 _Damnit, Phil. You can’t think as to how you’ll affect others anymore. You only think of how it would affect you. Only bloody you. Worthless piece of shit, making Dan feel... like that. That I substituted him with someone I just met. Especially right after all the conclusions he must have made about Mike and I once we walked in. I don’t think he ever knew I was bi. As f that changed anything between us, but it probably made him doubt... god, Phil. What have you gone and done now. Ruined any chance you could’ve had with him. At least there’s Mike. But Mike’s not the same. I’ve only known him for a night and we didn’t even have sex. Just a really… intimate tickle fest._

 


	6. Chapter 6

Dan didn’t go far, his back going rigid as the door to Phil’s room slammed behind him.

 _Damnit it, does he trust Mike over me? I’m his best friend for god’s sake, what did I do wrong? He’s only known mike for a day… maybe he trusts no one and keeps it all in? That’s even worse. That might be why he cuts, it just bottles up… but_ what _bottles up? I felt worthless, I hated myself... that’s why I cut. Why does Phil cut? He’s quintessentially intelligent individual; he’s as close to perfect anyone can get._

_Wait, what? What am I thinking… perfect? What the hell?_

_You can’t describe your best friend as perfect._

_Thing is it’s true: he’s kind, caring, and attractive and has close to no flaws… he just puts my cutlery the wrong way._

_And he’s my best friend._

 

Dan paled as he realized what he had done, his hand grasping the door handle behind him.

 

_What the hell are you thinking, Dan? Suddenly leaving Phil at his worst moment- and shouting at him?_

_What the hell is going through your head?_

_You hate a guy for even_ touching _Phil…for no reason- and you’re definitely not a homophobe._

_Phil cuts but all you’re thinking about is how you’re calling him perfect? How suddenly, this might change everything when he always has been this way?_

_No._ _Don’t even fucking_ dwell _on it._

 _Don’t_ even _think_ about it until Phil is better.

 _Plus- you’re straight, you have Aisling, and Phil has motherfucking_ Mike.

_You’re just jealous of Mike being able to steal Phil so easily._

_Honestly, Dan- get the fuck back in there. For fuck’s sake, what is wrong with you?_

 

Virtually pushing himself through the door, he was greeted by the sight of a dishevelled Phil, standing up, deep in thought.

 

* * *

_A night. I’ve only known Mike a night and Dan thinks I trust him more? I guess he has reason to, seeing Mike thought –or saw- that I was bisexual before Dan even knew it. I don’t even think he knows, to him Mike could be another friend, but It’s pretty obvious- that’s nothing, it’s silly even; sexuality was never a thing that bothered either of us. But he should know about the cutting, he has his own scars. I don’t understand. He should know how hard it is to tell someone. And we grew apart, after his string of girlfriends. We only talked in the mornings… and when he needed to do a video, or a live show. I don’t think he realized we weren’t as close anymore. The Phans did, though, at least around Christmas._

Phil huddled under his duvet once more, hugging himself around the knees, trying to forget the memories of Dan and his ex-girlfriend at Christmas, how alone he’d felt, how it had even showed in his videos.

_And I can’t even be angry with him for not understanding me. I don’t have one particular reason to… cut. I’ve been doing it for years. Stopped for a bit, started again... The small things add up. But what are they all? How did I even start?_

Phil jumped up, his duvet falling to the floor, an idea in mind.

_I could write them down. I could write the reasons down until I have them all, and then show him._

Glancing at his arm, and then at the drawer next to him, he pursed his lips.

_And write the reasons not to. I’ll need to throw my old friend out. I need to stop. I need to change, obviously. I can’t do this for the rest of my life, however short it is. I need to try and appreciate it, and do what I can with it. I told my fans to, I shouldn’t be a hypocrite._

“Phil! Phil don’t-“ Dan burst through the door, the anguish he felt evident on his face.

Phil looked up, startled out of his thoughts. “Don’t what?”

“D-don’t cut. Please don’t cut.” Dan’s eyes closed as he realized Phil wasn’t even close to it, relief flitting across his features. His fringe drifted over his eyes as he hung his head, a mixture of grief and sadness emanating from him instead.

 “I wasn’t going to.” He kept his voice cold, avoiding Dan’s searching eyes, not wanting to meet them for fear of melting in them, giving all his secrets away.

“Phil. I’m sorry, really, I am. I shouldn’t have left like that and I’m a horrible friend for not having realised. I just… I just don’t understand why you didn’t say anything.” Dan’s voice broke.

Looking up, Phil realised Dan was shaking like a leaf in a storm, his hair hiding tear filled eyes. His eyes softening as he saw the state Dan was in, Phil shakily walked over to him, feeling guilty. He was not on for grudges, especially when it came to Dan. _Me stupidly falling for you. Feeling worthless._

 _What do I say? I have no real reason for cutting. It just...helps. Don’t say anything. Don’t say anything about his part in it. He knows you’re ‘bi’ but that’s all he knows. Keep it that way._ “You didn’t do _anything_ , Dan. Don’t blame yourself, it’s all me. It’s all in my head.”

Biting his lip, Phil walked over to him, hugging him awkwardly with one arm before stepping away quickly.

\-- Dan’s POV

“You didn’t do _anything_ , Dan. Don’t blame yourself, it’s all me. It’s all in my head.” Phil said, a strange look in his eye as he removed his arm. Dan repressed an odd urge to pull him back into a hug, not sure what it meant. _He doesn’t trust me, but he doesn’t want to say it._

Dan shuffled slightly closer, placing his right hand on Phil’s shoulder.

“What’s all in your head? What are you thinking?”

Phil blinked; his cheeks going slightly pink at the contact, trying to ignore the sudden urge to lean on Dan’s shoulder. “I-…I’m sorry.”

 _That’s not right. I’m the one who’s sorry. Who’s supposed to be sorry._ Frowning, Dan turned Phil to face him.

“Why are you sorry, Phil? Don’t be. Tell me what’s going on. Please.”

“I’m sorry because I don’t know how...to say it. To explain it.” Skimming his thumb against his lip, as if he was going to bite it, Phil continued haltingly, his head hanging. “I just feel horrible sometimes, for no reason. And everything comes crashing down.”

Dan’s stomach dropped, realizing that most of those times he had probably been out with some girl, unknowing and unable to help Phil. Fighting an impulse to push Phil’s hair out of his eyes, he let his arm drop to his lap. _What the hell are you thinking Dan. Phil isn’t a girl, I doubt he’d appreciate you touching his hair, let alone thinking like this, what’s gotten into you?_

“And I was usually out, wasn’t I?”

Phil nodded solemnly, already missing the warmth that had been on his shoulder.

“Well...fuck.” Dan’s mind whirled with emotions and thoughts, trying to make head or tail of them started to become difficult once they were about Phil. Grinning, a twinkle came into his eye as he said “Okay Phil, I have an idea.”

“Yes...?” Phil raised an eyebrow, a small smile tugging at his lips in response to the enthusiasm Dan was emitting.

“We start over. Completely. Okay? I’ll spend more time with you and- hmm.. it’s up to you if you do the same. First, it’s-“ Dan looked at his wrist before realising he was still in his pyjamas. Glancing back to Phil, who was now grinning at him, he said “Probably around eight or nine. So first we make breakfast- and then we do a day marathon of whatever you want to watch.”

Dan looked back down, inspecting his fingernails, unsure of what else to say. _Is that good? Would that make him feel better? Isn’t that what we used to do?_

Phil paused before cheerfully hugging Dan, his mood changing with his thoughts. _Dan’s trying to make me happy, I might as well make the most of it._

Dan grinned at him before sliding of the bed, his cheeks strangely darker than usual, picking up the tray on Phil’s bedside table. “I’ll make pancakes if you choose the movies…”

Phil skipped out of his room, leaving a beaming Dan in his wake.

 _This just might work. I need him to open up; I obviously play a big part in this_.

 

 


	7. Chapter 7

Phil inhaled happily as the heavenly smell of Delia Smith pancakes wafted through the apartment. His choices were simple; first Kill Bill, then a marathon of Buffy. His favourite movie to watch with his favourite person- and that wasn't his mum. Curling up on one side of the settee, he called Dan over. "Dan, I chose! Do you need help?"

Dan gave him a dimply smile, sticking his tongue out as he balanced two plates in one arm and two cups of tea in the other. "I don't have a trainer for nothing."

Phil laughed, his eyes creasing. "Right, because you train using pancakes."

"We should, it would be a type of motivation." Sitting down, he passed Phil his plate along with a fork and knife, managing not to drop anything.

Dan settled down next to Phil, careful not to touch Phil's arms. "So, what are we watching?"

"Kill Bill then Buffy."

"All of Buffy?"

Phil stuck out his tongue in response, grabbing around Dan for the remote. Standing up, Dan closed the curtains before sitting back down comfortably, taking his plate back form Phil, enjoying the darkness as the movie started. He placed his arm on the back of the settee, sitting back comfortably as Phil ate quietly next to him, realising how much he'd missed these moments. It's been awhile. You can't watch Kill Bill with girls; all the 'blood' scares them. He smiled as Phil laughed at the bad effects, enjoying the badass-ness of Uma Thurman. Seems like it was a god idea. Finishing his own deliciously golden pancakes, he gathered their plates before taking them to the kitchen, stretching his legs as the Black Mamba decapitated 76 men.

"You're missing the best part!" Phil called from the Sofa, his voice muffled by the cushion he was pressed into.

"No, I'm not! I can see it from here." Dan chuckled as he sat back down, settling into the same position as before. He laughed straight out once Phil used a cushion to cover his eyes, a groan emitted from partially covered lips.

"Honestly. Could they have made the blood more fake."

Glancing over at him, he found himself staring at Phil's lips–glad Phil was still hiding behind his cushion- before stuttering "W-well it is your favourite movie, isn't it?"

"Only because…of reasons." Phil suppressed a laugh, removing his cushion.

Dan recovered himself, strangely feeling like he'd lost himself in his eyes. "From Tumblr now, are we? I thought I was the only one forever on Tumblr."

"I am the dinosaur of the internet! Rawr." Phil faced him fully, curling his fingers as he pounced on Dan, pushing him over.

"Ah! No! The lion tries to get the llama, but the llama spits back!" Dan cuffed Phil's shoulder, lightly pushing him away.

"Don't spit at me!" Phil laughed at him before crawling into a more comfortable position, this sitting next to Dan, under the curve of his arm, as he usually did when they played Crash Bandicoot. Dan twitched, suddenly aware of where his arm was in comparison to Phil, no longer sure if his heart was pumping wildly from the surprise attack, or Phil's closeness. Looking away once Phil stretched his neck, Dan turned back to the movie, wincing slightly at the spurts of what looked like ketchup erupting from peoples' necks. So fake yet so real. He beamed like a Cheshire cat at the end of the movie, turning towards a yawning Phil.

"What next?"

Phil stood up and stretched, placing multiple disks in the DVD Player so they would play in order. "Buffy, of course! Face the amazing ness of Buffy's face!"

Dan laughed outright, moving to the side once Phil sat down again, resuming his previous position. "So we are watching all of it?"

"Maybe." Phil grinned at him, his eyes sparling, making Dan's stomach lurch strangely. Phil turned his back to him as he crawled to the TV and began switching the DVDs to Buffy.

Catching himself glancing at Phil surreptitiously before forcing himself to turn away, he wasn't sure what as going through his head anymore. Mike had made him realize a few things, and maybe this was one more of them.


	8. Chapter 8

**AN:**  
Hi Guys! Sorry, it's been awhile, I've been updating most of this on fanfiction.net.

Thanks for the kudos; I didn't expect any when I came to AO3 to check on this fic.

\- As per usual,  _italics_  = characters' thoughts, and if I specify which Point Of View it is (aka Dan's POV) then it is his thoughts. Okay? Okay. –-

**_Any questions?_ **

_Wait, before you go and read, I have one for you-_

_how do you put up with me? I feel like the majority of this is so cheesy it would suffocate a few people…_

PS: I should warn you that there is… swearing/cussing in this piece.

It's Dan, what do you want from me ;D

* * *

\- Dan POV -

 _What a weird day. At least get to spend the day with Phil. It's been...ages._  A knock at the door startled Dan out of his trance, a blush creeping into his cheeks as Phil turned around questioningly. "Who is it?"

Dan's forehead creased as he thought about it.  _Who could it be, at ten in the morning? I don't have any plans…dear God I hope it's not Aisling. Maybe it's for Phil… or maybe it's a neighbour. "_ I don't know…I don't have any plans for today. I'll go see." Dan pushed himself off the sofa, wincing as the doorbell rang again. "Yeah, coming, sorry!" Dan sauntered to the door, making sure his posture didn't betray his aversion towards whoever was behind the door. Slowly opening the door, his eyes narrowed slightly as he saw who it was.  _Damn_.  _At least it isn't Aisling._  A certain man of certain bulkiness dressed in a nice two-piece suit was standing right in front of him, his hands in his pockets.

"Hi Mike, come on in." Dan's voice was coloured with disfavour, a bright smile masking his dislike as he motioned for Mike to sit on a stool in the kitchen.  _What is he doing here?_  He looked back at Phil, who looked just as surprised as he was. Dan opened the door wider, wishing he didn't have to let him in, though politeness decreed he should.

"Hello Dan, Phil." Mike nodded at both of them in turn as he lumbered in, his eyes crinkling at the sight of Phil lying on the floor next to the TV, an array of DVD cases surrounding him. Dan followed his amorous gaze and winced.  _Ugh. You just met him, honestly._ "I'm sorry for popping in out of the blue, but Phil wouldn't answer his phone, and I was wondering if he was free today."  _I thought he was at work. And he doesn't look_ that _sorry._  Dan turned towards Phil, his face completely blank as he raised an eyebrow.

Phil shook his head, and Dan wasn't sure if he was refusing Mike's offer or if he was shaking himself out of shock.  _Hopefully both_. "I thought you left for work?"

Mike shrugged. "Turns out I have a free day since it's the first day of snow. Being a graphic designer gives me some freedom," Mike looked between them again, turning away from Dan, his lips forming a small smirk as he looked out the window. "and I thought I could spend it with you, since it's  _such_ a nice day with the snow and all. Look at how beautiful it is." He paused, turning Phil's sprawled form on the ground a few meters away from him. " Will you go out with me today?" Dan bit his lip, battling against the urge to make a "oOoh, first date" gybe.  _Oh for god's sake, I thought they just met, couldn't he just call? No, of course he had to come here and ask. Typical._

Phil paused, not noticing Dan's mask drop slightly with dejection before it came up again as he looked at Mike once more. Standing up, he stretched his legs before walking over to him, holding his arms out as if to push him out the door, meeting Dan's eyes as they followed him expectantly. "I'm sorry. I already have plans today."

 _Oh._  Dan's eyes widened an ounce as he registered this in relief, hiding a smile behind the back of his hand.  _Ha, motherfucker._  
Mike's smirk instantly disappeared, his stare burrowing into Phil for a few moments before smiling again. "Ah. That's… too bad. Mind if I ask what you're doing?" His gaze swept the room once more, taking in the pile of dishes at the sink and the stack of DVDs in front of the television. Phil cleared his throat and leaned on the kitchen counter behind him before crossing his arms. "I'm spending the day with Dan." Mike looked between them once more. "How fun! What will you be doing?"  _You sound like my mother. Leave. Please. This is an invasion of privacy come on, leave._

Phil smiled easily as he looked at Dan, his eyes radiating happiness as he thought of the hours to come. " We'll be watching a few…classics. Aka- enjoying Sarah Michelle Gellar's face. We might go out for a bit. Nothing is really concrete yet-" Phil shrugged again. " since I just woke up."  _Don't tell him we don't have plans. Then he'll stay longer than necessary and- shit. I need to be a good host. Even if I don't like this him._  Dan shook his head indistinctly before piping up. _Still wonder why I don't. I'll need to figure that out some time soon._ "Would you like some tea or coffee? I was just about to put the kettle on."  _Just say nothing, this gives you an excuse to stay longer than I want you to._

Mike frowned, seeming to have just realized Dan was still standing there, and that it wasn't only him and Phil in the room. "I- ah. I'd like a cup of coffee please. Just…just black." Dan nodded and made his way behind the counter as Mike leaned towards Phil once more.  _OOooh. We've got a badass over here. Black coffee. Wow. No cream nor sugar. Why don't you make it yourself assho- ah wait. Don't tell me. I'm the bloody host._  He made as much noise as possible as he rustled the coffee packet, clanking spoons and mugs on the counter- anything to show his annoyance without  _really_  showing it.  _Do I care that I'm acting like a child because of him? No._  He grinned victoriously as Mike glared at him in frustration for a millisecond before turning back to Phil, continuing their earlier conversation. "Maybe we could meet up if you two go out to town today?"  _Fat chance._ "Why not, I'll let you know if we go out."  _Of course you had to invite him. Now I'm just not going out._  Dan shot Phil a betrayed look before turning back to the coffee machine.  _Come on, work faster!_  He smiled a humourless smile at the damned machine while he filled a mug with coffee, turning around just in time to see Mike fall off his stool.

He stifled a laugh before putting on a concerned expression as he placed the coffee on the counter.  _What happened there? Did macho dude just get beaten by a stool? Did he ruin his fabulous suit?_  Phil, his eyes wide, looked as if he was about to have a fit of the giggles. "Mike, are you all right?" Mike grunted from the floor, just out of Dan's line of sight. "Yeah, I'm absolutely fine." "Do you need a hand?" "No-" Mike grunted as he drew himself up and straightened his suit. "I'm okay, thanks for asking." Ignoring his mug of coffee, he grabbed at a buzzing sound originating from his pocket. Glancing at it, exasperation flitted across his features." I'm sorry, I need to go. I suppose I should leave you two to your own thing."  _That was sudden. I won't insist on the coffee though. By all means, leave._ Phil raised his eyebrows and got up, saying nothing as he walked Mike to the door in order to say goodbye.

Dan poured the mug in the sink in distaste.  _What a waste._ Once done, he ambled towards the door, his lip curling in disgust the instant he realized Mike had captured Phil in a passionate kiss, his sturdy arms trapping him against the doorframe.  _Ugh. In front of me, really? Keep it to the bedroom, honestly._  Coming closer, he realized Phil didn't seem to be enjoying whatever was going on; his eyes were clouded over, his arms hung limp at his side, his his fists clenched as he was pushed against the frame.

Dan frowned, clearing his throat loudly. Completely startled, Mike jumped back a few feet before giving Dan a dirty paused before backing out the door hesitantly, making Dan huff in annoyance.  _Why won't you leave already? I have places to go, things to steal, people to kill. Come on, move. You are on your way to becoming one of my first victims._ Narrowing his eyes at Dan as if he could read minds, Mike looked back at Phil as he turned around and ran a hand through the spikes in his hair, messing it up more than it already was.  _Eugh, I wonder how much gel coats his fingers now. 5 layers at least, if only from this visit._  "You'll call me if you go out?" Phil nodded his assent, watching him go with veiled satisfaction before shutting the door.  _That took long enough._


	9. Chapter 9

\- Phil POV

"Well... That was eventful." Dan said, scanning Phil's stone still form.  _That's an understatement._

Phil's heart was still beating wildly as he looked back at Dan, his thoughts racing. ... _What just happened? I. No. I wasn't expecting that. Nononono I just met Mike. Last night. Not even a date. Why did I ever invite him over? I don't want his tongue shoved down my throat. No. Of all the tongues I'd want down my throat_ -  
Dan walked over to him, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder, turning him so his hazel eyes looked into his own. "Hey. You all right?"

Phil jumped.  _It's Dan. It's okay. He'll make me feel better._ "Yeah...Yeah, I'm absolutely fine." He cleared his throat. "Thanks for that."

Dan squinted at him before sitting back down on the sofa. "So tell me something. How did you two even meet?"

Phil frowned at him.  _Or he won't._   _I don't really want to be reminded of my stupidity._ "I told you. We met at the bar last night."

"Oh. And you brought him home right after meeting him?"

"…yeah."  _Just drop it; I don't want to think about_ him _right now._

"Ok. Er. Why?" He looked completely lost; wasn't it his job to do idiotic things?

_Why don't I suggest tea? It'll get us off this topic- oh. No, it won't. Dan's stubborn, he'll always come back to it at some point?_

"Well I wanted to show him our YouTube channels... and I was drunk."

"Oh."  _Please don't ask why. Let's change topics._

"Dan?"

"Yeah?" Dan glanced between him and the television, not exactly sure what to do, or where this was going based on the topic of conversation.

"When did you meet Aisling then?"  _You went out girl hunting, so you basically did the same thing, right? Took a girl home right after meeting her?_

Dan shifted uncomfortably. "Two weeks back."  _What._

Phil's stomach churned; he wanted to curl up in a ball and block out the world around him.  _Great, more proof we aren't as close anymore; and yet another reason to cut- my own best friend doesn't trust me with anything anymore._ "And you didn't tell me, or introduce her until yesterday?"

Dan's expression was pained as he fumbled with the fabric for his shirt, ducking his head so his fringe would hide his eyes. "…Yeah."  _Great._

"Right." Phil voice went cold, his face completely blank.  _I should have expected this._

"Look, I'm sorr-"

Phil ploughed through, he wasn't sure he needed an excuse or apology. He needed to forget that Dan didn't tell him this; that Dan didn't trust him with this. "Hey Dan?"

"Ye...ah?" Looking surprised at Phil's sudden interruption, Dan wasn't sure what to make of his questions.

"Why did you lie about Mike about going to Uni?"

"Huh?"

"Well- you said you were still in Uni, and you're not, last time I checked."

Dan blushed, embarrassed. "Jesus Christ Phil, I was trying to make a good appearance. Saying I don't have a job usually makes people pity you or think you're a-" he paused, refusing to meet Phil's eyes "-a vagrant and think you're worthless." Phil's eyes widened.  _Is that really what he thinks? Dan, a bum?_

"But Dan, there was no point in lying about it. I said I was a YouTuber too, it's still counted as a job and he didn't think anything of it. He would have realized it at one point. It's the spi-"

"-ral of lies all over again." Dan flashed him a small, knowing smile. "I know. I did the video, didn't I? I wasn't thinking. I didn't plan for it to come out of my mouth, but it did and I guess it's because I was worried."

Phil's frosty demeanour changed immediately, his eyes softening. "Why were you worried, what happened?"  _See, Phil? You make things about you, and you don't know what goes on with Dan._

"I- it's nothing now. It's not important." Dan ruffled his hair, turning away awkwardly.

Phil shuffled closer to him. "Come on, tell me, I want to know anyway."  _And I get to be close to you in the process._

Dan broke posture, gesturing wildly. "You were out late in the middle of Manchester, Phil, I had no idea where you were. I was planning to tell you about Aisling, and suddenly it's ten o'clock at night, snowing, and anything could've happened to you and I couldn't have done anything about it. I'd called your phone and you hadn't answered, and the next thing I know is you walk in the door looking scared and slightly tipsy with a strange man behind you."  _Oh, Phil you idiot. What if you'd been in his place? You'd have panicked. You utter idiot, how can he have you as a best friend?_

Phil grinned at him tentatively, rubbing his arms, glad he had a pullover on to hide his arms.  _Well, maybe he does care. If he was that worried._ "Slightly tipsy would be an understatement, I think. I'm sorry, I didn't realize I'd worry you- and that I didn't tell you that I am, well, bi."

Dan threw his head back and laughed. "Phil, it's fine. You're a grown man. It never came up, and I wouldn't have minded if you were straight or gay, or bisexual. You're my best friend, come on, me judging you on who you like would be shallow  _as fuck_." "Dan!" Phil gasped mockingly at the cuss. "Hell of a way to come out though. Bring a guy over."

Phil chuckled. "Great thinking on my part, I know. I'm sorry, that must've been terrifying"  _Remind me to never, ever do something like that. Everything was ruined after that. You found out about me cutting, and me being bi, all at once._

"I sounded like your worried mother hen, I should be sorry- actually, do you know who  _should_  be sorry?"

"Hm?"

Dan nudged him, careful once more to avoid his arms. " _Mike_ , because look, he distracted us from Buffy and our day together. Come on, we have a marathon to finish, and we're  _still_  on the first season, and we have a day –unless you're free tomorrow too- to finish them."

* * *

AN: Not the best note to end on, I know, but I need to sleep. 

PS: If any of you are on tumblr, a fan of glee, or just a fan of Cory Monteith, I'm sorry for your loss.

*hugs*  ***** gives you a shock blanket* *gives you warm cookies and milk*


	10. Chapter 10

Sorry!  I honestly didn't realize anyonehere liked this fic that much- so say thanks to that kind perosn who told me to update...

It's kind of surprising to recieve notifications from people wanting more, I never thought I'd get that :3

* * *

\-- Dan pov

  
Hours passed as dan and phil watched their way through buffy seasons 1, 2 3 and 4; and dan found himself slouching on the sofa, slowly drifting off with Phil’s head on his shoulder. Strangely enough, he found himself reluctant to move and even more willing to let his arm slide down from the back of the sofa to settle tentatively, yet protectively, on Phil’s shoulders.  
  
 _Fucking hell, it’s been awhile since we’ve had this kind of day. I hope it helped him. Who knows what’s going through my head anymore. Yesterday you were happy to announce your girlfriend, and now you’re just as happy to put your arms around phil. Christ. What is going through your head? Honestly, dan. We need to think about this. Phil is… kind of sorted out. But you-we- need to sort this out now. It’s not just jealousy; it’s not just mike taking Phil away from you._  
  
He stared out the window, watching the sky darken, large flakes of snow drifting lazily down to blanket their balcony; the city was nowhere to be seen.  
 __  
Think about it- how did this all start. Finding out about Phil cutting?  
  
 _No- it was before that- when you were worried that he didn’t come home. Most roommates would be fine with that- but you? Why were you worried? Phil can take care of himself._  
  
Phil shifted against him, causing dan’s arm to tighten around him.  
  
 _But then- he’s your best friend. Your only best friend. It’s a given to worry about him. So what is it then?_  
  
 The fact he has a boyfriend? We’ve already thought through this bit. But if it’s not jealousy- what is it?  
  
Frustrated, he huffed, before turning to Phil, careful not to jostle him. I guess that’ll remain a mystery for a while. A small, tired smile graced his face as he realized how close he really was, his lips centimetres apart from Phil’s. Though i’d never thought Phil could be seen as a mystery. Jesus, dan, we’d better figure out what’s gotten into you. First your arm, now his lips… his eyelids fluttered shut, the thought of Phil’s smiling blue eyes warming him to the core as he subconsciously encasing him with both his arms.

* * *

\-- Phil’s pov

Phil was never one to fall asleep completely when he was on a sofa- let alone watching buffy. So it came as a surprise to him when he woke up slightly disoriented, viewing dan’s sleeping head from a strange angle, enjoying the sloping curve of his neck. Closing his eyes once more, he slowly came to realize that he had, in fact, been sleeping on dan’s shoulder. His stomach flipped at the thought, not too sure whether to enjoy it or be afraid of what dan might draw from it and he started to move before questions would be asked, his thoughts racing.  _How did i let this happen? Did he notice? Shoot.  
_ Warmth blossomed in his chest as he felt something - he could only assume it was dan's arms- tighten around him.  _Oh_. Quite liking this development, he stopped moving. At this point, he wasn’t too sure what to make of his situation.  _Should i stay like this, and risk awkwardness- or should i move and pretend this never happened?_  Dan hugged him closer, as though sensing his hesitation.  
 _Stay. Definitely stay._  
  
Phil watched the snow falling, the snowflakes glittering like stars as they fell, buffy still playing quietly in the background. He was content to be content; he could imagine that this was how things were supposed to be; just him and dan, together, if only for a few precious moments.  _If only. If only this would happen- consciously._  
Dan's other arm made an appearance, encircling his stomach, his hand sleepily landing precariously on Phil's hip. Phil smiled to himself, and curled up against dan's slumbering body, taking in his, almost completely sure that he was dreaming.  
 He felt safe, happy, and warm.  
 _Oh yes. If only._

* * *

\-- Dan pov

Dan woke up slowly, his eyes fluttering open to a cold and dark apartment. Groggily he looked around, finding himself alone. “Phil?” Standing up slowly and stretching, he grabbed his phone from his back pocket and checked the time.  _19:15_.  _So where’s Phil?_ Ignoring messages he had received from aisling earlier on in the evening, he called Phil’s cell. The sound of a buzzing phone reverberated around the quiet apartment.  _Jesus Phil. He flicked on the lights. This is the worst time to leave your phone at home._ Looking around the room andspying a white sheet of paper on the counter, he headed over to the kitchen, flicking on the lights and radiator.  _“Hi dan. I’m off to the shops, we’re out of food and i’m hungry j. I don’t know what you want for dinner, so i’ll pick up some Chinese. Sorry for not waking you, i’m in a rush. They close in 30 min. see you soon._ ”

 Frowning, dan checked the fridge;  _didn’t we just receive groceries? We usually order them in, what the hell?_  Opening the fridge door and shivering, he found that it was, indeed, half empty.  _Hmph_. _Strange._ Shrugging in disinterest, he instead wondered when Phil would be home- and if he had noticed how they were sleeping before he got up.  _Maybe he was in too much of a rush to notice? Checked his phone and flew out the door?_  He found himself hoping Phil wouldn’t come home soon as predicted so he could avoid any…awkwardness, awkward eye contact, and awkward talks- gah _. Why am i worried about this anyway? It’s **phil**. It’s protective instinct. Yep. That’s what it is._

Dan wasn’t truly sure why he was trying to convince himself of, and so he put it up to sleepiness. Shrugging once more, this time in uncertainty, he headed towards the shower to clear his head.

As the tepid water splattered against his skin, dan pondered the meaning of life. Well, not  _exactly_. He pondered how Phil fit  _into_  his life.  _He’s been my best friend from the start. Ever since I started...er... ~~Stalking~~... him. Best thing that’s happened to me, to be honest._

It was refreshing really, because all panicked thoughts of Phil flew out of his head, and he began to relax.  _Showers are great for this kind of thing. Thinking. Yep. Showers make the best places for philosophical thought- and for reflecting on days. Today was a great day- even with the hiccup this morning. We got to talk. Hasn’t happened in awhile, to be honest. Apart from “hello’s” in the morning, I’ve been busy with…with Aisling. I don’t know why i hid her from Phil, really. I think i wanted to get to know her better before i introduced her to Phil, and i think she’s all right._  After a quick wash down, he stepped out, shivering at the cold tile making contact with his feet.

Briskly grabbing a towel and placing it against his waist, he walked out, his mind completely elsewhere. That is, until he ran into Phil.

“ah  _shit._ Sorry, phil. Didn’t see you there.”  _Oh jesus fucking christ this is awkward. So much for avoiding that._   _I guess this is how he felt this morning when he walked out in a towel. Hah. Reversed roles._ Readjusting his towel, he straightened, a faint blush creeping up his cheeks.  _At least it’s not the first time he’s seen me half naked; swimming! Except a towel isn’t exactly swimming trunks, is it?_  He looked up to see Phil’s face, his eyes averted and face as red as his was, his hair tousled and sprinkled with droplets of melting snow, glimmering in the light of the hallway.

A faint humming sound in the background appeared to grow louder with the growing silence, prompting Phil to start first. “Hey Dan, I went out to get Chinese… I hope you’re…okay with that. I’m heating it up now.” Phil was looking at him now, a smile toying at his lips. Dan stuttered before clearing his throat. “Th-tha-”  _really. I-honestl_ y? _A stutter?_  “That’s great, I’m starving! We seriously need to eat lunch if we’re going to do whole day marathons.” Phil chuckled. “Yeah, I think I woke up because I  _was_  hungry.” Pausing slightly, he looked Dan up and down with an abashed expression. “ I guess I’ll..Uhm..leave you to it.” Dan was thankful for the break from this humiliating situation. Running a hand through his now-curling hair, he fumbled for words. “Oh. Right. I’ll…er... Get dressed. …good idea, can’t have you admiring my amazingly hot body for too long.” He manoeuvred around him self-consciously, quickly closing the door of his bedroom behind him, hearing Phil laugh as he headed to his own room.

* * *

\-- Phil PoV

 

 _I shouldn’t have even left the house. We could’ve just starved until tomorrow._ Phil was shivering and soaked through by the time he came home, his thin rain jacket having no protection against the gale outside. It was – as Dan would put it- “fucking freezing” outside, and the snow didn’t help at all, especially when it flew into his eyes and impaired his vision. Suffice to say, he was happy to be home, and he was happy –exceedingly so- to be in the toasty kitchen as he put the now-cold Chinese in the microwave. Apparently they  _didn’t_  deliver on Friday nights, especially on cold snowy ones. Shrugging off his jacket, he left the warmth of the kitchen with the thought of going to his room and change into a snug jumper and dry jeans. That thought was completely obliterated when a half-naked Dan in a towel ran into him.

 “Ah  _shit._ Sorry, phil. Didn’t see you there.”

  _Well this is_ exactly _the wrong time to be attracted to Dan Howell, isn’t it?_

 

Phil blushed and averted his gaze, attempting not to notice the low dip of the towel as Dan readjusted it.  _What do I say now? …This is a whole new level of awkward. Wonder if Aisling ever saw him like this. No. Don’t go down that train of thought._ He cleared his throat. He fought a grin as Dan started at the sound, the tips of his ears going bright red.

“Hey dan, I went out to get chinese… i hope you’re…okay with that. I’m heating it up now.”  _That sounded wrong._ His mouth curving into a smile, he looked at dan expectantly. “th-tha-” he stuttered, giving phil more cause to laugh.  _Just as embarrassed as i am._  Dan mockingly made a choking sound and sticking out his tongue, getting fully rid of the stutter. “that’s great, i’m starving! We seriously need to eat lunch if we’re going to do whole day marathons.”  _That we definitely do. I’m hungry enough to...to eat a cow. Ehm._ He looked dan up and down, trying not to appear as if he was checking him out. “i’ll leave you to it, then?”  _Cough cough._  Dan hesitated, running a hand through his now-drying hair, and phil resisted doing the same;  _he never lets it go curly._  “oh. Right. I’ll…er... Get dressed.”  _Aw._  “…good idea, can’t have you admiring my amazingly hot body for too long.”  _Shit, he noticed?_  Phil’s face deadpanned. Dan moved around him quickly, clutching his towel, flashing him a grin as he closed his bedroom door.  _No._  Relief flooded his senses.  _He was joking. Thank god._ He paused at the door.  _What was i about to do again?_ The image of dan in a towel danced before his eyes.  _Really, phil._ He blinked and thought back to when he walked in the front door a few minutes ago.  _Change. I wanted to change. Right._

Shrugging, he headed straight to his room, shut the door, pulled on a jumper and his pyjama bottoms, before heading back to the kitchen, basking in the warmth it emitted.  _We seriously need better radiators. Why is the best one in the kitchen? Imagine if it breaks down. Then we’d need to huddle for body warmth- oh. That’s actually not such a bad idea. We’d be like penguins._ The beeping of the microwave shook him out of his reverie. Taking the chinese out, he placed it on the counter.  _I wonder if we’ll watch something tonight._  Sighing wistfully, he leaned against the stove and waited for dan to come out of his room.  _I hope so._

* * *

\-- Dan PoV

 _The whole towel…incident shouldn’t have been so…awkward._ Dan walked out of his room, now clad in plaid pyjama trousers and a t-shirt, humming a toneless tune.  _It’s not like it’s the first time he’s seen me in a towel. Hashtag no homo._  “hey phil.” Phil turned towards him, now dressed just as comfortably as he was, if only slightly warmer. His black hair was brushed backwards, dishevelled and tangled, reminding dan slightly of a mane, his face crinkled in a wide, warm smile.  _Jesus. Overload of cute…wait. I have got to stop saying things like that. The irony seriously gets out of hand. Don’t even know if i mean it or not anymore. Frankly, calling my best friend “cute” starts getting over the top._ “heylooo.” Phil paused, a strange look in his eye. ”sleep well while i was out?” Dan struggled to become straight-faced, his eyes widening at the implications behind that question.  _Does that mean phil noticed…whatever that was…? Shit. I don’t even know what that meant, let alone- dan. Slow down. He means nothing by it, because it’s phil, he genuinely cares about...well, me._  He flashed him another dimply smile before sitting down behind the counter, facing him. “yeah, fine. Great, actually.” If phil noticed the quick change in facial expressions, he said nothing. Dan felt the silence weighing on him, and disliked the feeling. Uncertainly, he asked “do you want to take this-“ he gestured at the chinese in front of him “to the sofa, and eat it there while we watch something? Might as well continue with the marathon now…” phil flashed him another bright smile. “why not? I was about to ask you that.” Dan moved his arms, imitating a ghost “ooooooo psychic.” He paused. “should we keep watching buffy?” Phil shrugged. “i chose all the things we watched today. Why don’t you choose this time?” “you do know that means a scary movie, right?” Phil shrugged again, his eyes alight with the possibilities. “i don’t mind. You go choose, i’ll get this amazing smelling food to that table before  _i eat all of it_.” Dan hummed to himself as he sat down in front of the television, his back on the side of the coffee table as he went through the dvds, cataloguing them by the memories he’d ahd with phil, and how recently they’d watched them.  _Feels like a long time ago now._ Dan’s eye caught a dvd hiding in the far back. “phil, how do you feel about watching silent hill?” “why not? Haven’t seen it in awhile” he had suddenly appeared next to him- and if had been anyone else, they’d have been too close: but it was Phil. He placed the Chinese on the table, and eyed dan expectantly. “Come on, start it, the Chinese will cool down before you even touch it.”

Dan shrugged and put the DVD in, shutting its case with a decisive snap.

His phone rang out just as he managed to sit down on the sofa, the ring echoing around the apartment. Groaning, he shot Phil a look of apology and hunted for his phone, following the sound to his room.  _Who would call me now?_

He glanced at the phone and grimaced, wanting to get back to Phil as soon as possible.  _Aisling. This is going to take ages._  Ignoring the call, he pocketed the phone and headed back to the living room.

“Who was it?” Phil asked from the kitchen, taking a sip from a glass of water.

“Aisling.” he wrinkled his nose in distaste. Phil widened his eyes in surprise. “You know, most people are happy to have their girlfriend call.” “She’s not my girlfriend” he shot back, feeling defensive.  _The minute I say girlfriend, she’d…she’d be replacing my best friend. Can’t have that. Always happens. And then Phil gets hurt in the process._  Phil help up his hands to his chest in an attempt to placate him, looking hurt. “Ok, so she’s not your girlfriend yet. Sorry. I won’t ask  _why_  you didn’t answer.”  _Shit, Dan. Look at that._  Dan sighed. “Sorry, Phil. I didn’t mean to shout. I don’t know, i didn’t particularly want to talk to her- and don’t tell her I said that. That she wasn’t my girlfriend, I mean. I doubt she’d agree.” “…Then why did you say it?” “Because i never  _actually_ asked her to be my girlfriend, that’s why. I wanted her to meet you first.” Phil paused, pouring the rest of his drink down the sink before turning back to him, hiding his part-pleased, part-disappointed expression. “Why?” Dan half shrugged uncomfortably at the doorway. “I can’t exactly have a girlfriend my best mate hates, can I?” Phil looked shocked more than anything else. “I wouldn’t stop you anyway, you know.” Dan made his way back to the Chinese on the table. “That’s not the point, and you know it.” He clapped his hands together. “Right. Let’s start this movie, shall we?”

 

* * *

\-- Phil PoV

“She’s not my girlfriend!” Dan half shouted, his eyes shining angrily.  _Then what the hell is she?_

“Okay, so she’s not your girlfriend  _yet_. Sorry. I won’t ask  _why_  you didn’t answer.” Phil’s tone was sharp and stung. He held up his hands.  _Why would he be angry with me about this? Like the girl, ask the girl. It’s always been like that. What’s changed here?_

“Sorry, Phil. I didn’t mean to shout. I don’t know, I didn’t particularly want to talk to her- and don’t tell her I said that. That she wasn’t my girlfriend, I mean. I doubt she’d agree.”  _So if they disagree on her being his girlfriend, what the hell else do they disagree on? This relationship is just sinking- doesn’t even want to talk to her. Incredible._  “Why?” “I can’t exactly have a girlfriend my best mate hates, can I?”  _Now I wonder why he looks uncomfortable._ Phil was gratified, apart for the fact that he would just be  _the ‘best mate’._  “I wouldn’t stop you anyway, you know.” “That’s not the point, and you know it.”  _Then what is? That he’d give up his girlfriend for his best friend? That’s new._ Dan’s clap startled him out of his thoughts. “Right. Let’s start this movie, shall we?”

* * *

\-- Dan PoV

The movie itself wasn’t interesting- typical horror story, with the typical ending. He’d let himself zone out once the scary bits happened; let himself focus once more on the situation with Phil and Aisling. He’d felt a pang of … _something_ once Phil had sat on the opposite end of the sofa from him, his arms wrapped around his knees. Dan had frowned, noticing the distance between them, but had said nothing-  _what was there to say?_  The main worry was the cause of this… exile.  _Oh don’t be ridiculous, Dan. Exile? You never cared about this before. What does it matter that he’s three feet away from you as opposed to next to you?_

His phone rang out again, causing Phil’s inquisitive gaze to meet his own.  _Aisling._ Blushing, he picked up, striding out of the room. “Hello?” 

* * *

 

Ps: I need feedback on this one, because I actually planned this out as opposed to just writing on a whim and trying to make it fit in with the rest of the story… so the question is- is there a difference? Like this better? Less?

Pps: anyone want to do a Shakespeare with me, and make up words? (And make our own dictionary? Nobody on ff.net replied to my request *sad face*)

Ppps: i have also decided to make most of my titles song names/lyrics that fit with the fic, so if you can guess the artist/song, you get free invisible…uhm… unicorns…er no. Pegasi. They’re cooler. Greek mythology was awesome; they had the best magical creatures. Do you know why pegasi are cool? They can fly. *Coughs* sorry. They can fly. …And they came from the blood of medusa. *clears throat*

*whispers* so punk rock.

*ultimate PS of all PSs*:  Hello dovahfinn. I see you have found me

 

 

 


	11. Welcome to the Black Parade

AN: Hey guys! Ok. First thing's first, I updated Chapter 12, so check that out just in case you missed something, and if you didn't, well- continue on!

Warning: Do not raise your hopes, this is (as usual) a boring filler chapter.

* * *

"Hello?"

"Hi Dan, it's me, Aisling. I called earlier?"

Dan rolled his eyes, not deigning to pause before he lied "Oh! I'm sorry, my phone died and I've left it charging since…"

"Uhm…okay." She didn't sound convinced. "I was wondering- do you want to go to the New Year Parade with me tomorrow?"  _I can't brush her off forever._

"It's tomorrow?!"  _It was Christmas like… 3 days ago. How._  "…yeah."

"Right. Okay give me a second, need to talk to Phil." Covering the mouthpiece, he didn't hear her huff in frustration. He walked back into the living room. "Phil-" Phil paused the television, turning to him slowly.  _I want him there, but-_ "Aisling's inviting me to go to the New Year's Parade tomorrow." His brows furrowed slightly.  _I don't want him to be alone._  "Maybe you can come with us and invite Mike?" The name tasted foul in his mouth, and he half grimaced with the effort of sounding inviting. Phil looked hesitant, his eyes dark. "Uhm, sure. Why not? I'll text him. See if he's game." "Perfect." Dan flashed him another fake smile and turned around once again, uncovering the mouthpiece on the phone. "Hello?" "Hi." "So Phil can go, do you mind if he brings someone else along?" "No, no of course not." Her voice trembled slightly, and he wondered if it was the line- or her getting annoyed with him.  _To hell with her if she doesn't want Phil around._ Disgruntled, he found himself impatient to end the conversation. "Great! I'll see you … tomorrow, then. What time do you want us to meet up and… where?" A map of London played out in his head. "Isn't the London parade a few blocks off your street? We could come get you once we're off the tube…"

"Perfect, I was about to suggest that." She purred, causing an image of her green eyes eying him seductively danced in the far edges of his memory. "I'd say around 11 or 12, at least call me once you're on your way." He shook his fringe out of his eyes, his voice trembling slightly with excitement. "All right. I'll see you then. Good night." "'Night, Dan."

* * *

\- Phil PoV

Phil was apprehensive once Dan walked back in, covering the mouthpiece.  _Aisling inviting him out, I bet_."Aisling's inviting me to go to the New Year's Parade tomorrow."  _And? Off he goes leaving me alone again._ He masked his hurt expression with a curious one.  _Maybe it's good if he leaves. Give me some time to adjust, meet up with Mike…_ Dan's brow puckered as he continued, "Maybe you can come with us and invite Mike?"  _Oh. Now that's a development. What would Aisling say to me bringing… a guy for couple... purposes._ He fought to hide a grin.  _This'll be fun. Although- does Dan really want us there, or is he just being polite?_ "Uhm, sure. Why not? I'll text him. See if he's game."  _Oh, don't be ridiculous. Dan wouldn't be inviting you if he didn't want you there._ "Perfect." Dan's tone was short and clipped as he flashed Phil a smile that didn't reach his eyes before walking out of hearing range once more.  _What's up with him?_  His mind immediately jumped to his earlier conclusions.  _He doesn't really want me, or maybe_ us _there. Well._ He turned back to the television, forcing himself the tear away his lingering stare.  _I don't particularly want to be around him and Aisling being all lovey dovey either. We'll need to separate once we're there, or something. I don't think I could stand standing around Aisling for more than a minute or two. The sad thing is she hasn't even done anything wrong._   _It's all me… as usual._

He lodged a pillow between his chest and his legs, his fingers digging into the , trying desperately to get back into the movie and ignore his sad thoughts.

He listened to Dan's footfalls as he came back in, keeping his eye trained on the television. He honestly had no idea what was going on _,_ and hoped Dan wouldn't ask what he'd missed. He said nothing as Dan half-skipped into the room and plopped back down on the sofa, placing his feet on the coffee table. He curled up even more around the cushion in his lap, forcing his expression into a careful mask, bringing his knees even closer despite the discomfort. Breaking the silence a few minutes later, he asked "When is the parade tomorrow, then?" He grinned lopsidedly as Dan jerked in surprised at his voice. "We'll have to leave around eleven to get to her house- should we meet up with Mike along the way, or…?"  _Of course Dan knows where her house is_. Phil was too focused on controlling his voice to notice the sneer in Dan's voice as he said 'Mike _.'_  "I haven't talked to him yet, my phone's still in my room." Dan barked out a laugh, the shadows in the room masking the hard lines forming on his face. "Did you lose it  _again?_ " "I  _didn't_ lose it, though. It's  _still_ in my room." Dan snorted in disbelief. "Sure, Phil, sure."

"It is." Phil swatted Dan with his pillow, unfurling stiffly from his former position. "I can prove it." Stepping over Dan's legs, he walked towards his room with purpose.  _Might as well get to asking Mike in the process._

* * *

\- Dan PoV

Dan watched him leave, amused and a bit disappointed.  _At least he's coming. That's a first. I'm sure we'll split though. Don't really want to watch Mike snog his face off again. Eugh. Even worse than a snog with a girlfriend, because honestly, I don't think Phil wanted that to happen. He looked really fucking uncomfortable. That's the thing with snoggi-_  "Ha!" Phil's victorious shout broke through his thoughts. "Ha?" He brandished the phone in front of him. "a) I have my phone and b)  _Mike_  said he can come."  _That was a speedy response._ Dan's enthusiasm dropped a notch.  _Somehow I was still hoping Mike couldn't make it. Jesus. I guess he's one of those people you just don't like, even from not knowing them. Hm. Disliking people at a glance. Never happened before now. Getting to know people before judging them has always been a rule, but there's a first time for everything, right?_ He watched half heartedly as Phil bounded about the room, the movie now completely discarded. "Apparently it's going to snow tomorrow too!" Dan groaned inwardly. "Great, so we get to freeze our tits off whilst walking with a great mob of people." "Oh come on! Don't be so pessimistic. It's  _snow_.  _In_   _London._ " Dan flapped his hand at him in disdain. "So? It happens every year, Phil."

"Yes, but  _snow_." He'd be lying if he said Phil's sudden cheeriness wasn't infectious. Except for the fact that it was thanks to Mike.

That made all the difference.

 


	12. Chapter 12

AN: People I found a person on Tumblr called  _Aisling_  and they're a Dan and Phil fan and they had this  _awesome_ game idea of youtuber guess who and I want it. 

* * *

\- Dan PoV

Dan's alarm reverberated around the apartment with loud staccato beeps. He groaned as he got up, stretching his aching back.  _Fell asleep on the sofa, again. Never again, jesus fucking Christ. Twice in a day._ Blinking to get the sleep out of his eyes, he made his way slowly to the kitchen. Making a coffee for himself and switching on the kettle for Phil, he traipsed to his room with the mind of changing and having a quick breakfast before heading out.

"Phi-il get up. We have an hour." "I'm already up."  _Of course he is._ "Pff early bird." He could practically hear Phil roll his eyes at him through the wall. Grinning, he pulled on a shirt and a jumper in a careless fashion, not even thinking about slipping on his pair of skinny black jeans. Brushing a hand through his hair, he stumbled out the door, failing miserably at avoiding the haphazard things scattered on the floor of his room. "Dan, hurry up, your coffee is getting cold." "Yes, well, excuse me for tripping on-" he caught sight of Phil, dressed much more nicely than usual _. He looks great. And I mean that in every non-homosexual way that exists. "_ Dressed to impress, are we?" He laughed, though not unkindly. The tips of Phil's ears went pink. "No. Dressed to be warm. You are going to freeze." Dan shrugged and sat down next to him, trying to avoid staring at Phil for too long.  _Obviously he's dressed up. First date. Woo. Great. Wonderful._ "I did tell you I'd freeze my tits off." He said, reaching for the toast in front of him. "Thanks for making delicious toast, though." " Youb're Welcohm." Phil mumbled, his mouth full. "Doesn't make up for amazing pancakes, though." Dan laughed. "Nothing makes up for Delia Smith pancakes. Except  _more_  Delia Smith pancakes."

"True, true." He paused and looked at the clock on the oven. "Oh, shi- shoot." Dan turned to him with a raised eyebrow. "What?" "Look at the time." He sighed. "We'll have to run to the tube if we want to catch the next train."  _10.23. Shoot._  "I've only been awake 15 minutes!" Phil laughed as he got up, quickly taking their dishes to the sink. "Your fault, not mine." Dan got up and pulled on his shoes, taking a warm jacket. As he waited, he looked at the dismal grey weather outside, thick snow blurring the view of the city. Phil was already at the door by the time Dan turned around. "Ready?" "Yeah. We do need to hurry." "Phil, I swear to god, if you make me take the stairs-" "But, exercise!" "Then I will remain a fatass for the rest of my life. Done." Phil laughed. "I was actually going to say we take the elevator, but, hey, stairs sound good…" "No! My poor back could never take it!" He held his back in mock pain. "Agh, see, just walking kills me." "What, did you sleep on the sofa or something?" Phil asked, locking the door behind them. Dan grinned at him sheepishly, sarcasm lacing his voice as he responded. "No, of  _course_  not,why _on earth_ would I do that." "You do know that you really shouldn't do that." Phil said as he walked out the door. "I think you already know it's bad for your back, so I won't say anything." "Yeah, I feel that bit." He groaned, trying to stretch it out."You look like an old man." Phil sniggered. "You need to learn to respect your elders." Phil laughed openly this time. "Hah, out of the both of us, who's the elder?" "Wait, in mentality or in age?" Phil swatted him. "Shut up."  _I missed this. It's good we can joke like this again. Fuck, it's been awhile._

* * *

\- Phil PoV

Phil checked his watch as the elevator doors opened. "Dan, we seriously need to jog to the tube station." "Oh, great. We get to test my thor-like physique." Taking off at a light jog, they arrived just as the train was coming in, the people streaming in the station with them not helping the situation at all. Phil wrinkled his nose at the smell and the busy people pushing him out of the way, not too sure the parade was worth all of this.

"Where are we meeting Mike?" Dan panted beside him, a light sheen of sweat on his forehead.  _And yet he still manages to look attractive. I wonder how I look. I'm dressed even warmer than he is, and I'm boiling._  They squeezed into the bustling crowd on the train, and found themselves close enough to be hugging.  _We can barely breath in here. Why did we have to go at rush hour? It's a parade day. Everyone takes the tube._ He let his gaze wander over to Dan, who looked extremely uncomfortable with the sheer amount of bodies sagging against him. Shooting him a sympathetic look, he looked out the window,–glad, for once, that he was taller than most of the people around him. Riding around on trains had instilled a sense of calm into him, the objects rushing by were never fully formed, and always added to the sense of being in a dream. Usually the reason he rode around on trains was to escape Dan and his girlfriend- but now it was with him, and they were on the way to go see her. It was painfully ironic.

* * *

The building where Aisling lived was –to put it simply- as ugly as an old apartment building could get. Its bland grey walls were covered in graffiti, accentuating the shining red door out of which an Aisling came as soon as Dan had pressed the doorbell.  _I swear she was probably looking out of one of those windows. No one comes out of the house that fast- and dressed- if they weren't expecting it._

"Hello-" "Hi, Dan!" Aisling squealed as she opened the door, ignoring Phil as she rushed by him to throw herself at Dan, who accepted her embrace hesitantly. She was dressed in a thick blue trench coat cinched at her waist, her hair perfectly curled and framing her face, bringing out innocent- yet provocative-looking green eyes.  _She's almost_ too _perfect. Perfectly tailored to be exactly what a man looks for in a woman._ He winced at the thought.  _Good thing I'm not attracted to her. That would get awkward very fast._ Brushing his hands through his hair, he found any reason he could to not stare at Aisling, her arms in a loose circle around Dan's waist, a small smile curving her full lips. Trying as hard as he might, he doubted he could find anything wrong with except for the fact that Dan  _had_  to choose her as his girlfriend.  _Except the most innocent ones always end up being the most insane ones. Phil, you're being silly. You're just trying to convince yourself she's wrong for him._

"Dan-" he started, reaching out and placing a hand on Dan's shoulder, "-we've got to go. We need to fetch Mike, remember?" He ignored the Aisling sent his way as Dan disentangled himself from her vice-like grip.  _If looks could kill_ ,  _I would probably be roasting nicely in hell._ "Mike?" Aisling questioned, her eyes shifting from the hand lingering on Dan's shoulder to Phil's face, her eyes narrowing a fraction as her eyes met his. "Phil's…friend." "Ah."  _I do exist, you know._

The ringing of Phil's mobile cut through the tense silence. He walked a few metres away, turning his back to the couple behind him. "Hello?" "Hi Phil, it's me, Mike." "Oh, hello!" Phil's tone lightened.  _Finally a distraction- and a good one at that._ "Where are you now?" "We just picked up Dan's girlfriend and we're making our way back to the underground. Are you there yet?" "I'm making my way there too, no worries. We'll meet at the entrance, yeah?" "Yeah. It won't be hard to miss us. We'll be arriving in about ten or so minutes." "Okay… see you there, then."  _He sounded worried. About what, is the question._

* * *

\- Dan PoV

 _How do the spikes stay? They don't. even. move. How does a guy put that much gel in his hair and yet no one assumes he's gay until he comes out and says it? Is that how Phil met him in the first place? Were the spikes drenched in gel a huge flag saying hello come talk to me for I am gay?_ Dan eyed Mike and Phil in front of him, laughing at something he couldn't hear, his stomach curling with something he couldn't identify.  _I'm not too sure I want to go anymore. Just stay at home and watch more Buffy with Phil. Hm._ Dan's lips curled in disgust as another person managed to touch his neck, leaving a wet residue.  _Eugh. It had to snow before we got there. So everyone's wet_ and  _rubbing against us. Oh._ His mouth curled into a smirk at the innuendo.  _Hah._  Aisling entwined her hand with his, her leather gloves chafing the insides of his fingers. Phil tugged at his other sleeve, a small smile lighting his face.  _Is Mike really the one that made him this happy?_  "This is our stop."

They –and half the carriage- were herded out into the cold air, their breath turning to mist. Snow was falling once more, and the sky was dark with clouds. The parade itself was extravagant- officers were dressed in rainbow coloured suits, marching bands blasting their way to the front, gymnasts wheeling past them. Dan shivered, feeling too cold to appreciate the show around him. "Jesus." Phil looked over at him, stuck between pity and amusement. "I told you you'd be cold." "Yeah, yeah. I know." Sighing, Phil passed over his coat. "You are so lucky I was prepared for this weather." Dan opened his mouth to protest, snapping it shut as Phil continued. "No. Put that coat on. If you catch another cold, I'm going to get it and I've had enough sniffles this winter without your help." "…yes mum." Dan shrugged on the thick coat, revelling in its warmth. "Thank you." Phil shrugged and turned back to Mike and Aisling with a smile. "What do you guys want to do?" Aisling glanced at Dan, her sweet voice filled with zest. "We could grab a coffee or a hot cocoa. Goodness knows Dan and I could go for one." Phil stuffed his hands in his pockets. "Why not? Something to warm my hands with." Mike nodded his assent. Making their way to a steaming stall, Dan and Aisling were left behind as Dan and Phil offered to pay for the drinks.

"Dan." "Hm?" Dan tore his eyes away from the pair and back to her, meeting her piercing pea green eyes and grinning at her tentatively.  _I really don't like the looks in her eyes._  He shifted uncomfortably under her unfaltering scrutiny. "What's going on between you and Phil?"

* * *

AN: I hate commas. No. I love commas. Commas. Not to be confused with comas. Hm. I use them too much. Not comas. Commas. Those. I use those too much.


	13. Just another painful blow

 

\-- Dan PoV

Dan's eyebrows almost met his hairline. "I'm sorry?" "What's going on between you and Phil?" She reiterated, her voice lowering accusingly.  _What has gotten into her head? I thought today was actually going well._ "I don't understand what you mean." "You guys act like a couple." What? When? "What? How?" "Dan, he gave you his coat." Jesus what is it with people. The phans. Then her. He stared at her, incredulous. "Right. That definitely shows we're a couple." "Most 'friends'," she did air quotes in the air, her breath coming out in puffs "would tell the one missing his coat to 'suck it up'." Dan half shrugged. "Well obviously Phil's not like that. Why do you think him being nice to each other is us being together?" he smiled at her, taking her hand reassuringly. Why does this always happen? Her brow furrowed. "I don't understand." He paused, looking for the right words. "Aisling. Phil and I- we're just friends. Best friends. Nothing more."

_But that's not exactly true, is it?_

* * *

\- Phil PoV

  
Phil walked slowly towards them, not particularly inclined to go and see another couple getting all lovey-dovey ( _let alone Dan_ ) his mind fixed on Mike trudging behind him.  _What's wrong with him? Does he even want to be here? He sounded happy enough when we met him at the station. Might as well ask now before getting back to Dan._

"Mike?" Mike looked up from the snow coating his rubber boots, his unusually murky gray ones meeting Phil's own. "Yeah?" "You haven't said much. Is something wrong?" "No… no, just something happened at work that's bothering me and I couldn't sleep. I'm sorry. It shouldn't be, especially not today." Phil graced him with a bright smile. "Maybe by lunch you'll cheer up. Or wake up. Today's supposed to be fun. Imagine throwing coffee on your boss." Mike barked out a laugh. "I'll try. I'm sorry. Let's get back to the others before this coffee cools." Phil looked down at the coffee in his and Mike's hands and turned around. "Good idea."  _Completely forgot about that. Wow._ "Wait- Phil." "Yeah?" "What do you say to splitting up after this? Into separate groups? So we leave them," he gestured to Dan and Aisling figures with his head "to do their own thing, and we do our own, then meet up for lunch or something? I have a feeling that then I'll actually be…awake enough by then to have a full conversation." Phil nodded enthusiastically.  _Finally_   _an excuse to escape them._  "Sure. We should get these to them and drink ours before they freeze in our hands, don't you think?" "Lead the way." Mike was decidedly in a better mood, albeit fractionally, by the time they'd walked the few meters into Dan and Aisling's hearing space.

Phil regretted leaving them alone for a few minutes- they'd gradually moved closer and closer, Aisling's hand clutching Dan's, their heads close in a quiet discussion.

"Aisling. Phil and I- we're just friends. Best friends. But friends."  
The quietly uttered words cut through the din of the high-spirited crowd around them, crystal clear the Phil's ears.

Though Phil had heard these words plenty of times before- this was his breaking point. The words he'd heard dozens of times before in videos and conversations; then, they'd stung, but now- now it was how sincerely he had said them, with him nearby- to his girlfriend, holding her hand, just after having spent day together. That was what set it in cement. The hand, of all things, made it clear. Acting as connection between Dan and Aisling. Dan's olive skin against Aisling's fairer one. It didn't help that she was almost as pale as Phil; his imagination would've gone wild with the image ... Had Dan not said those words.  _'Just friends.' Oh. That's wonderful to hear. Just great._ He fought to keep his cheery smile, flourishing the steaming cups of coffee.  _What did you expect, Phil? Him_ not _to say it? What, just after him spending the full day with you yesterday? You think that changed anything? It's not like he knows why you cut anyway. I don't understand why it hurts now. No,_ he corrected himself, wincing subconsciously,  _why it hurts more now. It wasn't the first tome Dan had iterated them. It's not like I thought we'd be more than 'just friends'._  Pretending to not have heard a thing – and how Aisling's mouth curved into a smug smile the minute she saw him arrive- was just another blow to the stomach. It was as if she knew what was going through his head- and he wouldn't be surprised if she did.

 _Don't look at him. Don't look at him. Don't. Look._ Phil cleared his throat softly, fixing his eyes away from Dan, pretending to stare in awe at the acrobatics of the performers behind them. "Look at that?" "What?" Mike walked up to him, pushing up the hood to his thick, studded leather jacket, barely able to fit it over the spikes in his hair. Placing his hand on Phil's shoulder, his previous dark mood forgotten, he repeating his question curiously. "Look at what?" Phil jumped at the contact, not expecting the baritone voice behind him. His eyes slid over Dan as he looked up in surprise.  _Don't look at Dan. Don't look at him. Don't._ Phil continued the mantra in his head, knowing that if his eyes were to meet Dan's –who didn't know what he'd done wrong- everything would go downhill. He smiled tightly. "Oh, one of the performers was really flexible." Dan cleared his throat suggestively. "Flexible, huh?" He yelped as Aisling whacked his arm, shaking as he laughed silently, his hair falling in front of his eyes.  _Ah. No direct eye contact._ Phil sighed inwardly with relief, his face slackening from its previous tension, his jaw loosening. "Thanks for getting the coffee, Phil… and… Mike, right?" Aisling reached for the two steaming cups in Phil's hands, handing one to Dan, who'd stopped shaking. It wasn't a question; she'd made it sound like a statement. The tone said no matter if his name was Mike or- it would be to her, and no one could dispute it, and Phil hated her for it.  _If she's this forceful with strangers… imagine how she is with those close to her? Could she force Dan away from me if she found him threatening?_

Mike turned from Phil's shoulder, his eyes burning into her as he reacted to her flippant tone. "Yeah, that's me." Ignoring his looming presence over her petite figure, she turned her gaze to Phil, her lips curving menacingly as she addressed him. "So if something's not going on between you and Dan-"  _Well that's obvious, isn't it. That's your job._ Phil thought venomously as she continued, half-hoping he wasn't glaring at her, knowing he'd have to explain it to Dan later if he did.  _Something I don't particularly want to do._  She continued, either ignoring or not noticing the two pairs of glaring eyes watching her. Aisling pointed at them with a careless finger. "What's going on with you two?"  _That's the big question, isn't it._

* * *

\- Dan PoV

"What's it to you?" Mike said, his eyes narrowing into slits. "Why'd you assume we're a couple?" Phil lowered his head, his eyes fixed on Mike's tense jaw. Dan winced in sympathy.  _Probably not the best thing to say with Phil nearby, asshole._

"Because you're  _obviously_  gay."  _And the bomb drops. What was it that gave it away, I wonder?_

"Excuse me?" Mike exclaimed, incredulous, his expression comically stuck in between looking affronted and amused.

"Did I stutter?" Mike looked at Phil and back at her. "How in any way do we look gay?"

"No, no. Not the both of you.  _You._ " She looked at Mike pointedly. He gaped at her, speechless. Tucking a curl of hair behind her ear for emphasis, she said "It's the personal grooming."  _Isn't that a bit stereotypical? I joke about the spikes, but using it as though it's proof…_ "Uh-" Dan started, uncomfortable with the turn of events. "Aisling, even  _I_  tend to do some personal grooming. That doesn't make me, or anyone else for that matter…  _gay_. You're working with stereotypes." "They wouldn't be stereotypes if they weren't true." She shot back, glaring at him.  _Has she been hit over the head?_

Phil watched the exchange with a raise of his brows, glancing between them as if to say 'great choice, Dan.' Dan sighed, staring at the tendrils of steam rising from his coffee. "Not all Islāmic people are terrorists, not all French like frogs legs, not all feminists hate men- stereotypes are all based on an event that  _probably only happened once_  and then people assumed this happens all the time and associated it with that group of people."  _I can't believe we're discussing this now._

Phil spoke up, his tone razor-sharp despite his smile. "So why do you assume I'm in a relationship? I'm curious. You're saying I'm  _not_  gay,  _but_  you assume that I'm either with Dan or Mike." He sipped his coffee as he stared at her, feigning complete nonchalance.

She wiped at the snow on her coat, not meeting his eyes. "Dan suggested a double date. Well... he said you'd bring a friend. Which is essentially a double  _date._  You don't bring just  _any_  friend if your  _best friend_  is bringing his girlfriend. I noticed how close you and Dan are, so it was either you and Dan or you and Mike. Wouldn't make sense if Dan was with you though, since he's with  _me_ …" "So you jumped to conclusions." Mike finished for her, having regained his ability to speak. She nodded. "Yes. Was I correct? Are you two together?" "I still don't see how it's any of your business. We're here to have fun, not discuss romantic relations."  _For once I find myself agreeing with him._  "Suit yourselves."  _Why is she doing this? She's nowhere like this when we're alone together. What does she mean 'it wouldn't make sense?'_  Dan felt lost; things had been going well, and Aisling of all people, was causing an unnecessary squabble.  _Why did she have to be nosy? Isn't knowing Phil_ isn't _with me enough?_ What  _is it with girls?_

* * *

\- Phil PoV

 _Why am I always the one suspected of being gay? I could've just brought PJ or Chris. Would we have been suspected of being gay? Or is it just because of Mike_   _and how he... is?_

A tense silence hung in the air between them, unbroken by the shouts and cheers of those around them.

Phil contemplated the crowd around them, admiring the costumes of several entertainers as they still managed to shine brightly in the dull weather.  _We should be joining the crowd and enjoying our time together, instead of standing here and arguing._  Cradling his coffee, Phil motioned to Mike with his head, signalling that this was the best time to go. "We're going to go have a closer look. Why don't we meet up with you for lunch, or maybe at home?" His glanced at Aisling, his expression hardening slightly, before he looked at Dan, who looked torn between arguing and agreeing, before slowly acquiescing with a small, reluctant nod. Dan's cheeks were rosy as he snuggled into Phil's jacket, trying to protect himself from the wind as the cold bit at his appendages. The sleeves were a tad too small as he pulled them up to his knuckles, momentarily letting go of Aisling's hand. Phil smiled at the sight before catching himself and turning and walking away quickly, Mike struggling to keep up with his pace.  _I told you not to look at him for a reason._

* * *

-Dan PoV

_I just want to go home now. Enough social interaction for the day. Maybe plan out a video, watch something with Phil. More fun than being here with a suddenly pushy girlfriend who suddenly thought that becoming nosy would be the best way to meet people._

He sighed for the fifth time that day, watching Phil's figure vanish from his line of sight, feeling as though he'd just missed out on something. He was quiet as marching bands made their way past them, pretending to be watching them intently. He turned to Aisling, who now had a strange look on her face that he couldn't place. "What do you want to go do now?" He asked, gulping down the cooling coffee, enjoying it as it burned down his throat. A man dressed as the doctor walked by them, waving a sonic screwdriver in the air, accompanied by a glaring clearly out-of-the box ginger, wrapped in winter clothes and a thick scarf.  _That's the British for you._  She shrugged, looking everywhere but at him. "I really don't mind. The parade is almost over anyway, isn't it? We could go for a walk around and then go somewhere warm and toasty for lunch…" Dan nodded slowly. "Yeah. We could meet up with them there…? Not straightway, " he said quickly "but after we spend some time together." "Sure." She smiled, flashing rows of perfect white teeth at him.  _What have I gotten myself into?_

_..._

* * *

\-- Dan pov

"Dan… I don't understand."  _Queue dramatic music._

"Don't understand what?"

 _Life._ "You.. And phil."  _Oh. Oh come on._ He pulled a face.  _Again?_

He sighed and turned to her half-heartedly, looking completely done with the subject. " _What_  about us?"  _Even_ I  _don't know what's going on._

"You two definitely have a thing going on." He shook his head, mystified.  _No, no we don't. That's one thing I do know. She must be a phan. Or something. Girls._  She laughed shortly. "You don't even realize it. Incredible. I think he does, though."

He groaned, slowing his pace to turn and look at her. "Don't realize what? Aisling, you're not the first to say this. Phil doesn't "like" me, nor I him. Phil and I aren't a thing. I don't understand why people think we are." He regretted having thrown away his coffee cup; he didn't know what to do with his hands. They hung limply at his side, his fingers twitching as he waited impatiently for her response.

She gave him a look that said otherwise. "You give him this look."

He paused, stopping fully in the midst of the crowd around him.  _Jesus fuck. Romance novel, much? A look?_

"A look." He said, narrowing his eyes, his tone sceptical.

"Yep. A kind of…doe eyed look. And… let's just say… he responds to it."

 _This sounds like a phanfiction re-enactment._ He forced a laugh, not sure what to make of being thought of as doe-y eyed.  _Was she paid to have this conversation? Is there a recording device somewhere?_   _Invisible cameras?_  "Responds? Aisling. Seriously. Best friends. Nothing more. No looks, no-… no 'responding'," He said, adding air quotes to emphasize his disbelief, "or whatever you mean by that. Just  _best friends_. I don't know why you're so caught up in this."  _Shouldn't she be happy I'm not 'with' Phil? Her appeal is slightly wearing off. Let's give her the benefit of the doubt and… just say today's a bad day for her._

She shrugged for the 50th time that day, taking his arm in hers before continuing. "I'm caught up in it because I'm scared that one day it might be me or him."

He clenched his jaw in an effort for it to not drop open.

_Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. not just enjoy the moment instead of worrying about the future._

_Between her and Phil –let's face it- it'll always be Phil. Plus; she's not really helping her case, is she?_

* * *

\- Phil pov

Phil could've sworn he saw steam rising from Mike's ears; he'd been fuming since they'd left Aisling and Dan, glaring at anyone who looked at them.

Mike had since caught up with his fast pace, seeming to understand his need to get as far away as possible away from them. "You know, maybe we should just skip this whole lunch idea with them." Phil said, pushing back his fringe to get a better look at Mike's face. "No. It's…fine. Maybe by lunch… she'll have backed off a bit. You need to get to know her anyway…" Mike looked down, apologetic. "Shit. I'm sorry. I'm ruining this for you all." Phil's brow pulled into a frown. "No, you're not. You were right to call Aisling out on her being nosy. I'm not sure Dan even knew she was like that; even he looked surprised. And this was just going out for fun; we could've just stayed home if it was to meet Aisling." Mike graced him with a half smile. "I still shouldn't have gotten annoyed that quickly. I don't know how she got on my nerves that fast. That usually takes…ages." "Hey, she was putting me off too. It's not just you." "Yeah but…as much as I'm sorry to say it… what  _is_  the deal between you and Dan?"  _Not you too, please._  "We're best friends. In…every sense of the word. Living with a friend does that. We're closer than most, but we're best friends. That's it." "Oh. All righty then" Mike shrugged and trudged on. "You know, me and my roommates never got that close." "How did you do it?"  _I developed a crush, that's what happened._  Phil shrugged, wanting to give anything to get off the subject. "It took time. I was just out of Uni and Dan was in Uni, so I helped him out with a few things. I met him though a friend; he had nowhere to live and I needed a roommate. Turns out we got on quite well, had a few things in common. Stick through a few break ups and you become someone's best friend."

"Oh. My roommates never really tried to be my friends; we saw each other as friends and that kind of thing- I mean we woke up to each other!- but we never got close. Too many girls got in the way, I think. Took up all his time."  _Tell me about it._

* * *

\- Dan pov

"Aisling…I've only known you for about two weeks. Phil's just met you. Isn't it a bit soon to be thinking that way?"

She appeared to ignore the first bit of the sentence. "See- here we are again. Back to Phil. Today's not just about us going out and having fun, it's about his approval of me, isn't it?"  _Girls. I am telling you. Gathering answers through sherlockian techniques to get answers._  "Well of course it's going to go back to Phil, he's my best mate. If he doesn't like you or spending time with you, then we'd have less time spent together. Over time…"

She stared at him. "All of the "best mates" I know don't care if their best mate likes or doesn't like their girlfriend. They don't. They go for it and congratulate each other on it." "You keep seeming to think that Phil and I are like ordinary people." "That's  _why_  I suspect something, to be honest."

 _Suspicion and jealousy can do a lot to a person. But seriously. She's great, and we've gotten so well that I understand where she's coming from, but- Two weeks. Nothing happens in two weeks. Not usually. Just…dates._ "There's nothing to suspect. Is this why you're acting out of character, or…is this usually you…?"

She looked down, despondent. "I'm sorry. This isn't me, no, no it's not. It's just- this has… happened before. This whole best friend thing, and it didn't end well. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I just saw the signs and I reacted, I- I got jealous and-"

Dan's anger melted away at her crestfallen tone, no longer to really blame her. "I understand- just… I do tend to get protective of Phil, I know, but that's because he's one of the only friends I have. He's one of the only best friends I've  _ever_  had. I can't afford to lose him. That's all." He smiled at her reassuringly.  _She needs to know it all before she gets stuck in it, really. I've been there. Except, you know, it was with a girl and her_ guy _roommate. Too much action in one day and we haven't even had lunch yet. Let's walk around for a bit and then meet up with Phil and…and Mike again, so that we've all cooled down a bit._

* * *

\- Dan PoV

_Jesus fucking Christ I'm bored. There's nothing to see anymore, and Aisling isn't really saying much. God I want to go home. Think I can pretend to get a shocking text and rush home? Scary that I'm bored of my girlfriend so quickly._

"Aisling?" "Hm?" "Are you hungry? I'm starving." "Yeah, me too." "Fancy meeting up with Phil and Mike now, or should we leave them to eat by themselves?" "Nah, let's eat with them. At least so I can apologize for being nosy; I really didn't mean to take it that far."  _Right. Good._  He whipped out his phone,

/Phil, why don't we meet at the café we saw on our way here in 20 or so minutes?/

* * *

\- Phil PoV

A strange urgency in his eyes, he pulled Phil close, directing him so they were right in Aisling and Dan's line of sight. "Phil," he breathed, his eyes wide, " I need you to kiss me."  _I don't really…no. We're not even an official couple I don't like this. And we're right in front of them._  Phil's brow creased, looking slightly concerned at Mike's intense gaze. _Wait. Maybe this is how I start extracting myself from this…crush…_ "Where they can see us?" "Please. Just so she doesn't ask more questions…"  _Give her some sort of satisfaction so she gets off our case._ Phil shrugged and nodded.  _Hell, maybe this time I'll actually enjoy it. Another step forward, eh?_

* * *

\- Dan PoV

Dan fought a grimace at the sight in front of him.  _I hope this time Phil was actually expecting it. Today really isn't turning out like it's fucking supposed to, is it? Can this get any worse?_

"See. Right there. That's proof that there's nothing between Phil and I. And it proves your earlier point."

He gestured at them half-heartedly as she looked on.  _At least now she'll stop questioning everything and turn to a more interesting topic._  She grinned, victorious.  _We got along great by ourselves…_  "So I  _was_  right." "Yep." He said, popping the 't'. "Should we go and …  _greet_  them?" Her eyes twinkled mischievously.  _Aaand she's back_. He grinned back at her, his previous discomfort forgotten.  _I guess this is the proof she needed._ "What's your plan?"

* * *

\- Phil PoV

 _Ow._ Phil jerked back as a snowball hit the back of his head, blushing slightly as he realized why it was thrown -and who threw it-.  _That didn't actually hurt. Retaliation!_ He looked around for another pile of fresh snow, and ran to it, quickly grabbing a handful of it. He reached down and jolted up as another snowball hit him, this time on his jumper, coating it in a fine layer of white snow. He threw his snowball in his attackers general direction, hoping he wouldn't hit any other passers-by. He hit Aisling in the chest, who looked surprised by his aim. He felt a small twinge of satisfaction of getting an excuse to hit her with something, as awful as that sounded. "Oi! Leave the girlfriend alone!" Dan shouted gleefully, appearing from behind and stuffing snow behind his collar. "Never!" Mike joined in, taking his place behind Phil, pelting snow balls at both Aisling and Dan at hyper speed, the snow balls seeming to appear in his hands as if by magic. They made Dan retreat back to where Aisling was, a wide space between the two couples, before moving to a less crowded area.

* * *

\- Dan PoV

 _Here I was thinking I hated going outside._ All sopping wet and laughing, they made their way into the café, revelling in its warmth, happily inhaling the smell of espresso.  _To think I usually would have hated that._   _And it changed my entire outlook on today. Aisling's back to normal, Phil's happy, and Mike- well…Mike is happy too._

"Anyone up for a hot chocolate? It's on me." "Yes,  _please_." Phil and Aisling nodded enthusiastically, both acting like children who'd been given too much sugar, whilst Mike shook his head. "No thanks."  _Pff don't accept my gestures of kindness. We're going to have a tea party. Cocoa party. And you're not invited. Hmph. Ungrateful little shit._  "Find a place to sit, I'll come back with some hot beverages." He smiled at the other two, making his way to the till, glad there wasn't too lone a queue.

"Hello. Three hot cocas please, with cream." The cashier smiled at him, but he failed to notice the eye she gave him. "That'll be six pounds fifty, sir." He nodded, impatient to have his hot drink, handing over a ten pound note. "They'll be with you in a moment." "Thank you. Have a nice day."

He returned to the group, finding them sitting at a rocky round table next to the window of the café, Phil and talking animatedly with Aisling about something or other, grinning like a mad-man.  _Good to see he's not being as reserved as before. Can't say the same for Mike though._  Aisling clapped excitedly as Dan put down their drinks. "Thank you!" Phil echoed her delight with a bright smile. Dan sat down in front of him, taking in how much he'd changed thanks to this snowball fight; he was smiling openly now, laughing at something Mike had said. His cheeks were ruddy from the cold, his blue eyes twinkling delightedly.  _Too bad it was Aisling who caused the change and not me. At least he's happy._ He shrugged off his coat, hanging it on the back of his chair. "Thanks for the coat by the way." Phil turned his gaze to him, seeming to sadden for a second, before grinning at him, his tongue making a slight appearance. Dan grinned back automatically, his pulse raising slightly. _With a smile like that, no wonder he gets all the - shit, Dan. Where was that going?_ He put the butterflies to the coquettish smile Aisling was giving him out of the corner of his eye. "Thanks for getting it soaking wet." Dan laughed loudly, wondering if any of the others had noticed what he'd felt, if it'd showed on his face, He ran a hand through his now-curling hair. "You shouldn't have completely pelted me with snow balls then!" "You attacked me first." "Did not. Aisling did." "Blame the girlfriend. Smooth, Dan. Smoooth."

.

.

.

\- Phil PoV

 _I want to go_ home. Phil eyed the foam lining a corner of Dan's mouth, feeling as though it was taunting him. "When do you need to be home?" Dan asked Aisling, shaking Phil out of his little world. She checked her phone. "Oh, shoot. It's already five o'clock. I'll need to get the next train if I want to be on time for that party- hey. DO you want to come?"  _Please say no, please say no, please say no. Just come home and we can watch a movie and relax._ She looked at all of Dan, her eyes glacing over the other two. Dan nodded, causing Phil's cheerful façade to slip slightly. "Why not? Some social interaction for once? I can't stay for too long, though." Mike was the first to resign, saying he needed to get home soon to finish some work. Phil turned to him, avoiding eye contact with either Dan or Aisling. "I need to go soon anyway. I didn't realize the time flew by that fast. I'll walk you home. I have a video to finish editing. Can't have the fans waiting too long." Mike nodded in agreement, pushing his chair back with a screech as metal met tile. Getting up, they left quickly, eager to get home before it got too dark.  _I always forget how early the sun goes down in the winter._

His breath came out in puffs as they exited the building, and he shivered against the cold, his jumper no longer a match against the cold breeze. Noticing his shiver, Mike put a hesitant arm around him, pulling him closer once he was sure Phil wouldn't pull away. Phil was too cold to protest, desperately wanting to get home.

* * *

\- Dan PoV

 _At least it went better than I thought it would._ He watched Phil leave with something quite alike to longing, frowning slightly as Mike placed his arm around him, not quite liking the feeling it gave him.  _If only for one of us._ Turning to Aisling, he masked his former expression, flashing a dimply smile at her. "Well today went well. Better than I thought it would, to be honest." He paused. "When does the party start again? Weren't you saying you needed to catch the next train?" "It starts at six, but we can easily be a bit late if you want."  _We could always catch the same train as Phil and Mike if we're heading to her house._

"Where is the party?" "A few streets down from my house. We can always get there before it's dark."  _Dark. Shit. Phil in the dark with a guy he- I- barely know, on the tube. Which is dangerous enough as it is._ A sudden deep sense of foreboding over came him.  _Shit. No. Dan, you're being ridiculous. He's a grown man, he can take care of himself, he knows what he's doing. He'll be home before me anyway_.

* * *

.

.

.

\-- Phil PoV

 _Shit_.

The sky seemed to fold in on itself, the stars twinkling and twirling in his vision, swirling into a grey oblivion of nothingness. A buzzing in his ears blocking out all other sound, rendering him unable to place him or his surroundings. A dark grey figured swirled and formed in front of him, growing blurrier and blurrier so only the basic shapes of a head and chest could be seen. He opened and closed his eyes, the view getting fuzzier each time.  _I've…been…drugged._

"I'm so, so sorry" A low voice said from behind him, sounding deeply apologetic "this wasn't supposed to happen."  _That's…great…to .. hear_  
"Help me." It addressed someone else, fading into the grey swirls fogging his brain. He blinked again before feeling a sharp pain at the back of his head. Then everything went black.

 


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hola amigos  
> I'm sorry it's been so long :O I didn't realize so many people were reading it here aaah

_In the middle of a gun fight, in the centre of a restaurant_

_They say, come with your arms raised high_

_Well they’re never gonna get me_

_I’m like a bullet through a flock of doves_

_To wage this war against your faith…_

_Your life will never be the same…_

* * *

Dan looked at her, smiling in return. “Well, how long does the party go to?”

She flashed him a bright, excited smile as she got up. “As long as the people going want it to. There’ll be beer and everything! It’ll be fun, especially with you there!” _Shit. I don’t think she knows how much I fail at social interaction._ “Uh- okay. I can’t stay too late though, I have a few things I need to do tomorrow.” _Don’t know what they are yet, though._ He got up clumsily, his chair screeching against the tile. Winding at the sound, he shrugged on Phil’s coat once more, thankful that it had dried a bit in the short time that they’d spent in the café. Aisling’s brow creased at the comment, her lips twitching into a brief pout. “You don’t need to come if you don’t want to…“ _Shit_. Dan held up his hands. “No, no. I didn’t mean that at all. It’s just, I can’t stay until four in the morning or anything-“ She laughed, her cheeks reddening slightly. She raised a hand to adjust her curls, averting her eyes. “Oh, no of course not. At latest- probably two in the morning.” He ran a hand through his now-curling hair before nodding. ‘Well that’s fine then. I’ll probably need to leave a bit earlier, but that sounds alright.” _It’s not as if I go to bed any earlier._

 

They stepped out of the café, not expecting the sudden cold that hit them full force. The air was crisp and it was getting darker; but thankfully it had stopped snowing. Dan hunched against the glacial wind, his breath coming out in puffs. Aisling held out a glove-clad hand, looking at him expectantly. _Great._ He took it reluctantly, desperately wanting to stuff his hands back into the warmth of his pockets. She worked her fingers in between his, interlocking them. He grimaced at the leather chafing his fingers once more. “It’s a good thing the tube isn’t too far off.” He said, his teeth chattering. _Jesus fuck it’s freezing. Even with a thick coat._ She nodded, leading the way. _Why didn’t I stay home?_ “It’s only two minutes away, come on.” _Or go home early._ She picked up the pace and Dan was thankful, for once, that he had long legs; a big stride of his would make up for two of hers. They made it to the station just in time; a train had just come in. _Thank god for the underground._ Stepping on and pulling Dan along, Aisling remarked, “Thank goodness we left when we did. I couldn’t bare to be in the cold any longer.” Dan relaxed his handhold, frowning slightly as Aisling didn’t let go and gripped his hand tighter. “Me too. It was fucking freezing out there. At least now it’s bearable.” With his spare hand, he pulled at his curls, willing them into a manageable fringe.

The tube was still full, despite the fair being over, and Dan found himself yet again too close to a stranger. _I don’t usually find it this bad._ His nose creasing in disgust, he tried to avoid physical contact. _One more stop and we’re at her house. Come on. Try to enjoy the party?_   Dragging Aisling out of the carriage, he quickly made his way to her street, willing her to walk faster as the cold wind buffeted them once more. The sky was dark now; and if the temperature had been cold before, now it was freezing. “So the party’s at your house?” “Yep.” She replied, popping the ‘p”. “And you still went out with me- well, us?” “Well I _was_ the one who invited you out.” “Well, yeah. But the party starts in, what, an hour? You’re ready for that?” “Of course. I got everything ready before you came.” _I was only up for 15 minutes before I came to get her. Jesus, she must’ve been up early._ “Need any help with anything then?” _How else am I supposed to pass an hour?_ “Some last minute touch-ups, maybe.” Stepping onto her doorstep, Aisling rummaged for her keys, extracting her hand from Dan’s. _My hand. It breathes!_

 

The door squeaked open, the heat escaping giving them relief from the cold.

Dan hesitantly stepped in, greeted by the sight of old and steep rickety stairs, and fought back a groan. _No wonder she’s so fit._ Aisling quickly shut the door and hastily made her way up the stairs, managing to take her coat off in the process. Dan scrambled after her, muttering as he went. _Why is she in such a hurry?_ _We’re not going to be doing anything anytime soon; the party starts in an hour. And it’s not as if it’s the first time I’ve been here either._ He made it to the top, the door to Aisling’s flat wide open.

 

To say the inside of Aisling’s flat was better than the outside would be the understatement of the century. It was small and elegantly furnished; everything was modern yet managed to fit in with the old décor of the flat. It had a great view of the neighbourhood park, and

Making his way inside, he realized, not for the first time, how clean it was. It was almost Spartan- with a few touches here and there. _I can’t believe she’s hosting a party here._ _It’s so…small._ He leaned on the doorframe, peering in as he recovered his breath. The living room was a part of the kitchen, one room was a bedroom, one door was the broom cupboard, and the kitchen was so small that only one person could fit in it at a time.

 _This place is hardly prepared for a party- it’s just clean. There’s no food, or drinks…_ Exhaling, he stepped in and closed the door behind him. “Aisling?” “’m in the kitchen. Want a drink?” _I could kill for a cup of Phil’s hot chocolate right about now._ “Can I have a glass of water, please?” “Of course.” He followed the sound of her voice, trying to fix his hair once more. He stood next to the counter, flattening himself against it to make more room in the small space. Sliding the water to the other end of the counter, Aisling flicked her hair back, focusing her attention onto him. Her lips curved into a suggestive smile, her eyes glittering. “So, _we_ have an hour.” He looked down, sipping at his water, pretending not to notice her teasing tone. “So we should get cracking on the party stuff then, shouldn’t we?” She pulled a face before turning around with a swish of her skirt, placing a few bowls full of crisps in front of him. “I’ll get the alcohol if you put these out.” _Well I dodged a bullet._ They danced around each other doing their separate tasks; Dan ignored her sidelong glances, and Aisling tried her hardest to get her wish across.

 

Over the next hour a crowd of people trickled in, all dressed to impress. At first Dan was happy for the distraction- it stopped the tension between him and Aisling from escalating- but the more people came in, the more Dan realized he wouldn’t enjoy himself. They all looked like young, successful and rich bankers and lawyers- everything he’d wanted to be before having an existential crisis. _Well this is going to be great. “What do you do for a living?” “I’m a banker, you?” “Oh, a youtuber.” That would go down really well._ Dan regretted not wearing something more formal- or at least, more planned. He stood out like a sore thumb with his fringe and casual clothes. _If only I knew I was going to party – a formal party later…_ The crowd around him were dressed-despite being incredibly formal- to party; dresses and skirts swished past, and men in penguin suits and vests. He greeted everyone in turn, feeling more and more alone as the crowd of unknown faces grew larger and larger. He rubbed his arms self-consciously as another person brushed past him, looking across the room for a distraction- any distraction. As though granting his wish, his phone rang. _Maybe it’s Phil wondering where I am._ He immediately cheered up at the prospect. Walking out of the room and waving off a curious glance from Aisling, he answered without looking at the number.

 

“Hello?”

“Hi…uh…uhm Dan. It’s Mike.” Dan’s enthusiasm evaporated into thin air. _Tonight is just going beautifully, isn't it? The last person I wanted to hear from, and here he is._

“What’s this about?”

“Phil.” His despondent tone chilled Dan to the bone, who straightened at the name, his eyes widening in worry.

“What’s wrong?”

 

 


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a dozen chapters at once muahahah

\-- Dan PoV

 Mike seemed to catch himself, his tone more guarded. “Nothing’s …wrong, per se.”

Dan glared at the wall opposite him. If looks could kill, it would be completely incinerated.  _Oh, sure, I believe that completely._  “Then why’re you calling me?”

“Just to tell you Phil’s staying the night. He’s…kind of incapacitated… He drank a bit too much… but he still wanted to let you know…And I wanted to take this chance to talk to you.”  _Incapacitated? Doesn’t sound like Phil, he controls his drinking. Then again, who knows anymore._

“I know you don’t particularly like me-”  _No shit, Sherlock. What. an. astute. observation. “_ and I have to say, the feeling is mutual. But, for Phil’s sake-“

“Mike, I just met you. Hell, you just met Phil. You can’t possibly know that I don’t like you.” Dan shot back with a curl of his lip.  _This isn’t going to be a “love at first sight” relationship, is it? Jesus Christ. Two days. They’ve been together two. Bloody. Days. As far as I know, anyway._

Mike laughed shortly. “All I’m saying- your friendship isn’t going to be threatened by me or anything like that…I’d just like to be your friend too, if only so things don’t get awkward.”  _And why would he think I felt threatened?_

“I-uh- sure. Why not? If only for Phil’s sake.” Dan shrivelled his nose at the thought.  _Why not give him a chance? Maybe he_ is _a nice guy._

Mike exhaled. “Okay. Thank you.” Dan frowned. “No problem.” “I’ll..er.. let you get back to your –what was it again?- party.” “Have fun with Phil.”  _That sounded more suggestive than I thought it would._  “Uh...sure. See you around.” Dan was sure Mike was smirking. Ending the call, Dan stood staring at the wall for a moment. _Well. That wasn’t weird at all. I honestly don't know what to feel about the relationship anymore. He obviously wants the best for Phil, but..._

* * *

\-- Phil PoV

Phil slipped in and out of consciousness; a headache ravaged him the minute he kept his eyes open for more than a second or two. When he did open his eyes, everything was grey and blurry. Pain blossomed from one side of his head, over his left eye, and he winced as it throbbed. Groaning, he tried to get his bearings.

“He’s waking up.” A cold, robot-like voice pierced through the fog in his brain.  _I don’t feel awake._  Phil opened his eyes blearily once more, squinting at the painful white light pointed at them, a grey figure hovering over him.  _This is all a dream, isn’t it?_

“Is he alright? Why did you have to hit him?!” Heavy footfall resonated from somewhere to his left, Mike’s worried voice leading them.

“He struggled.” The toneless voice said again, distorted by disdain.  _Who does he sound like? He sounds like…like…_

“Why did you even need to get him involved?”

“That was a decision you made, not I.”

Mike’s voice came closer, this time a hiss. He came into view, his hair no longer spiky but combed away from his face- which Phil couldn’t make out at all; the blurriness had taken the best of his vision away, and the headache didn’t help. “I left all of this behind for a reason. He has nothing to do with anything that’s going on at the moment. My mistakes are my own.”  _He sounds like a spy. 007._ Phil thought dreamily, still in his own little world despite the pain. “Clearly.”  _Snape! He sounds like Snape. “Potter.” Hm. That would make Mike harry. Who would I be, Ginny? No. I’m not a girl, last…time... I... che…_

“The sedative has been inserted.”

“Yes, I can see that he’s asleep now, you piece of shit.” He sighed and murmured to himself. "What have I done now?"

* * *

_I never said I'd lie and wait forever  
If I died we'd be together  
I can't always just forget her  
But she could try_

_At the end of the world_  
Or the last thing I see  
You are  
Never coming home  
Never coming home  
Could I  
Should I

* * *

_\- Dan PoV_

Ruffling his hair for about the fifth time, Dan reluctantly walked back towards the kitchen. _Jesus. What has Phil gotten himself into now? I should be happy for him – and I would be – but something is seriously…off… about Mike. He's either the type to get attached to quickly and get jealous when Phil's away from him too long, or…well, get what he wants and drop the poor victim in the dust. And if he does that to Phil, he'll definitely regret it. With whatever's going on in Phil's head, that wouldn't be the best thing to happen to him. But I don't know. What if Mike is a nice guy? What if I'm the jealous one?_

He hated this; _so much_ was put into question now.  _Maybe it's normal for relationships to form this quickly. Hell, maybe I'm the one moving too slowly. I doubt that, though… there's always a rest before every date, especially after meeting someone- I mean they_ just  _met. **Today** was their "first date". _He sighed again, grimacing at the background music and the people around him; no one looked like they were having any fun. Several were checking their watches, others fiddling with their cuffs, checking their nails and twirling their hair. _It’s like they’re waiting for something that’s not going to happen._ Aisling sauntered up to him, slowing once she saw the expression on Dan's face. "Bad call?" She asked, her voice tinged with concern. "You could say that." She paused, as if she were about to ask what it was, before stopping herself. After a moment, she said "Does that mean you'll be leaving soon?"  _Might as well take the opportunity to leave now. If I wasn't in the mood before, I'm really not in the mood now._ "Yeah. I should go now." He attempted a reassuring smile, which resembled more of a grimace than anything else. "Today was fun, though. We should do that again sometime. I'm serious. All of us in a group." She stared at him, trying to decipher any hidden meaning behind those words. "Are you sure they'll still want me around?" He shrugged. "It's the best way for all of you to get to know each other. …If everything works out between Mike and Phil like they have for us, then we'll have to be around each other anyways. I'm sure if we meet up with them again, you can make up for it. Besides, you and Phil seemed to get along just fine towards the end." An image of Aisling and Phil laughing gleefully with chocolate moustaches flashed in his memory. He ignored the mixed jolt of jealousy and happiness that went through him.  _I'm not even sure who I'm jealous of anymore. Aisling, for making Phil laugh that hard and making him…smile, especially_ at _her... Or Phil, for making Aisling equally happy and forgiving her for what she'd said before. I should just be happy they got along, to be honest, after what Aisling said at the start._  She walked him to her door. "I s'pose we did, but that was only at the end…" She looked at him searchingly. "At least it ended well." He graced her with a smile before slowly stepping backwards, mindful of the stairs. "I've really got to go, sorry." She nodded, leaning against the door frame, giving him a small half-hearted wave. "I hope everything ends up okay." His stomach rolled guiltily; he remembered how excited she'd been about him staying at the party. _I'm so quick to leaver her, for once. Usually I jump at the opportunity of seeing her…and now I just want to go home and think. What a strange day._ “Oh, don’t worry about me. Worry about them, I think they’re jealous you’re giving me all your attention.” He grinned at her and gave her a small wave, quickly turning his back on her before his guilt got the best of him.

Making his way down the rickety stairs and outside, he immediately regretted leaving the building. Not only was it dark, it was cold enough that polar bears –should they ever come to London- would feel at home.  _I am going to freeze my fucking tits off_. He trudged back to the tube station _,_ grumbling at the cold, his hands stuffed in his pockets.

The rest of the trip home was a blur; Dan was too stuck in his own thoughts to notice the world move around him. He only realized he was home once he had the key in the door to the flat. With a sigh of relief, he turned the key so that the door opened with a  _click-_  revealing a completely dark and cold apartment. His brow puckered.  _It's dark. Why is it dark? Shouldn't Phil be- Ah. Right. "Incapacitated"._ Flicking on the lights, he was shocked by the empty feel of the apartment. The usual warmth and appeal it had was missing and whatever desire he'd had to go home instantly evaporated into thin air. It didn't feel like home.. The television was switched off; the kitchen counter was void of any dirty dishes- there was no sound whatsoever except for his breathing. Shutting the door behind him and jumping at the sound, he realized that this is how desolate the flat must be to Phil when he's gone. Slipping off the coat he was wearing and hanging it up, he thought of Phil- who had, after all, let him borrow it. He made his way to the kitchen and brewed himself a cup of coffee before sitting down on the sofa, wrapping himself in a blanket. Curling up, he automatically picked up his computer, a grin gracing his face.  _I wanted to go home, and what do I do? Go on tumblr. Phil would make fun of me for that_ … What did Mike describe him as again? …. _"Incapacitated" What a weird word to use. I mean, Phil's not really one to drink a lot. Nor is he one to get involved that quickly either, at least from what I've seen and… maybe this is his way of coping. Coping from what, though?_

_God, I hate this. What if finding out about him cutting wasn't that good of a discovery? It's like it's ruined everything. No. That's selfish to think. I don't know what I do and don't know about Phil anymore. I don't know what to do. I don't know anything anymore, honestly. No wonder I'm so out of order today._

* * *

\- Phil PoV

 

_The forest was bathed in the bright midday sun, a light breeze ruffling its leaves. Phil spun on himself, taking in the view; it was a clear blue day, no clouds to be seen. Despite being slightly nippy, neither he nor Dan wore anything except t-shirts and skinny jeans._

_Dan looked around, his figure framed by the sun behind him, his hands wrapped around the straps of his backpack. "Phil, come on. It's this way." He grinned at him, shaking his fringe out of his eyes. "You're sure?" Phil heard himself ask, his grin masking that of Dan's. He was honestly too happy to care or not whether they actually got to the zoo by foot. "I'm sure of it this time." Dan looked at him, his tone serious in spite of the smile on his face. "If you get us lost again, I will kill you." "No you won't." "I'll consider it." Dan's laughter filled the space around them, the sound causing Phil to grin just a little wider, his pulse starting to beat a little faster. Dan pointed in front of him, oblivious to the quizzical expression on Phil's face._ " _It's just down this road." "You're so keen to get there. I thought you didn't like exercise." "I don't! I like fresh air from time to time." "Who knew?" Dan punched him lightly on the shoulder. "You're from here and you don't know where we are, you can't say_ anything _." Phil laughed. "I said I went exploring in the woods, not the entire north of England. Especially not here, home is miles and miles and miles away." They began walking in a content silence once more, the sound of birds singing and the crunching of grass under their feet more than making up for their lack of speech._

* * *

\-- Dan Pov

 

_But this isn't about me anymore, is it? If my day’s been out of order, then how is it for Phil? I do need to find out what's been going on that makes him cut. Or at least find out what will make him stop, make him feel better. I really haven’t been good at that lately. How can I call myself his best friend if I can’t fill out the most basic requirement on the list?_

 

 

\-- Phil PoV

 

_Dan led the way, a step ahead of Phil, his arms hanging loose, close to his sides. He looked over his shoulder every so often and smiled, looking slightly uncertain. Phil smiled back at him reassuringly, not too sure what there was to reassure about- unless they were lost again. Dan stopped, this time turning around with a frown. Phil trudged up to him, placing a hand on his shoulder, his eyebrows raised in question. "What's wrong?" Dan looked up at the contact, his cheeks turning a shade darker. "Oh. It's nothing… I was just thinking." "Well, don't think too much, you look like your brain is about to implode." Dan erupted with laughter. "Of course you'd say that."_

 

 

"Phil." A voice whispered from behind him. "Phil, wake up. Please. I need you to wake up. Dan'll murder me if you don't. Come on, you were in my care. Please. Wake up."

 

 


	16. Chapter 16

 -- Dan PoV

Dan slouched on the sofa, his laptop now completely disregarded as it sat in his lap.

_It doesn’t even matter why he cuts. He has to stop, that’s it. I’ve got to help him. But I don’t know_ how _. I don’t know what’s wrong, what’s causing it- hell, I don’t even know how long this has been going on._

_I’ll put up with Mike. I don’t know why I can’t stand him, to be honest.  I guess it doesn’t matter if I don’t like him anyway, but I will put up with him if he makes Phil happier… there is something off about him though. But maybe- maybe that’s just me. Maybe I am jealous._

 

 

\-- Phil PoV

Traces of the dream lingered as Phil slowly began to wake up, a smile growing as he remembered the fact that it was a memory rather than just a dream. He rolled over and covered his eyes with an arm, the pounding headache making an appearance once more. Falling to the ground with a thump, he realized he wasn’t in his bed. His eyes shot open at the sharp pain.  "Ow.". Groaning again he squinted at the bright light filling the room. _Where am I? I’m not home…_ The room was a blurred white; it shone in the light emanating from a large window on the right. It was spartan and bare- but the cot Phil had been laying in and the sterile smell made it clear where he was. He shivered and realized he was only in a t-shirt- which didn’t seem right, considering he’d been in a long sleeve shirt and jumper when he’d been awake last. His insides froze- whoever had undressed him and put him in a t-shirt had probably seen his cuts. He rolled onto his stomach, the white tiles digging into his right cheek. He pushed himself up slowly, his muscles protesting at the effort.

A door on the other side of the room creaked open. There was a sharp intake of breath. “Phil! Phil. Oh thank god, I heard a bump- I- you’re up!”

“Mike?” Phil craned his neck, blearily trying to make out who it was, desperately needing his glasses- his contacts had probably come out as he slept. Mike extended a hand towards him, gently pulling him up to a sitting position on the ground. “Yeah, yeah it’s me. It’s Mike… You’ve been out for two days… so don’t get up to quickly.” Phil sat up wearily, running a hand through his hair. “I…I need my glasses.” He paused, his hands clasping and unclasping in his lap as he assessed the situation. He was itching to get up and walk around, but in this condition, he couldn’t. “I’m not at home, am I?” Mike kneeled next to him, looking down, and Phil presumed he was embarrassed. “No. You’re in my apartment.” _It’s really bare for an apartment. It smells of disinfectant; an apartment doesn’t smell like a hospital, does it?_ “Why?” “A few guys attacked you when we were walking… you hit your head pretty hard.”  _Attacked? I don’t remember an attack… just someone hitting my head._ Phil reached a hand to the back of his head, gingerly feeling around the large bump that was there. “Why did they attack me?” _and not you?_ Mike shrugged. “Hell if I know. Drunk idiots, probably. They were gone too fast for me to call anyone. Thankfully ou were lucid enough that I could get you here, but… then you passed out. I got a doctor to come over and he said that you had a mild concussion.” Phil remembered the robotic voice, the cold hands that had probed at his head. He nodded before wincing at the pain. _That at least makes sense._

Phil’s brow creased in concern. _What the-_  “Ah-wait. I was out for two days... two _days_ …then what about … Dan? Doesn’t he know?”  _Shi- he'll be worried._

\-- Dan PoV

_Two days. What can you do at someone’s house for two fucking days?_

Dan slammed the fridge door closed, grumbling to himself. _I was not built to live alone. It’s too quiet, and I’m slightly too antisocial to invite anyone over. Fuck this. Where’s Phil when you need him?_ He paused in his movement. _How does he put up with me being gone, then?_ Waves of guilt started to wash over him. _I can’t really say anything, can I? I’m the one who does it to him, and we all know he needs some sort of company._ His face fell as the realization hit him hard. _Shit._

 

\-- Phil PoV

_“…then what about … Dan? Doesn’t he know?”_

_Dan would be worried sick by now._ _Where is he?_ Had Phil had his glasses on, he would have noticed Mike’s face change, the guilt dissipating. “I called him and told him you were over at my place.” “He doesn’t know what happened?” “Strangely, he didn’t ask why. …and you told me not to tell him.” “Oh.” _That does sound like me, and he did say I was lucid for a bit…I wouldn’t want him to worry._

There was a slight pause before Mike addressed him again. “Are you hungry?”

“Not really, no.” Phil was still a bit shell-shocked, and he supposed he looked it too, because Mike sudden;y leaned over him, concered.

“Are you alright?”

Phil bit back a sarcastic comment, reminding himself that was more of something Dan would do than him. “Yeah, I’m..I’m fine, thanks. Just getting my bearings and all.”

Mike relaxed, his shoulders dropping from their previously tense position. “I’ll see if I can get your glasses then, shall I?”

_“_ It’s all right. I just need to get myself home.” Phil leaned on the back of the cot, pushing himself up, fully aware of how his arms and the cuts on them could be seen clear as day, despite his blurred eyesight. _What’s he going to think of me now? Maybe he’s just being nice for now- I…I’m overthinking this. I think._

“Are you sure? You look like you can barely see-“

“I’m fine, I just need to get home.” He staggered to his feet.

Mike’s tone changed, turning from gentle to firm in a matter of seconds. “I can’t let you do that.”

* * *

_Don't you breathe for me_

_Undeserving of your sympathy  
Cause there ain't no way that I'm sorry for what I did_

_And through it all, how could you cry for me?  
Cause I don't feel bad about it_

__

_So shut your eyes, kiss me goodbye_  
And sleep, just sleep  
The hardest part is letting go of your dreams

 

 

* * *

 

 

Phil did a double take, freezing at Mike's tone. "I'm sorry?"

Mike ran a hand through his hair –which, Phil noted, wasn't spiky and suited him more- before saying "I can't let you go out like that. Jesus, Phil. You're half blind, and you have a concussion."  _I know I'm overreacting, but I do want to go home._

Even though Phil knew Mike was looking out for him- something didn't feel right about this. "Can you walk me home, then?" Phil felt silly for asking- after all, this was someone he'd just met- but getting home was a priority. He needed his glasses, a shower, and a hug from a certain someone.

Mike sighed deeply, obviously uncomfortable with this situation "Are you sure you don't want to stay here for a bit? Just recuperate? If only the rest of the morning? You've just woken up… I'm not sure your muscles are ready to move yet." Phil fought the urge to grumble, reminding himself that the man in front of him was a prospective boyfriend.  _I can't ruin this one. Maybe I've made the right choice, for once- this time, he isn't…straight._ "I…okay. I don't mean to…what's the word…impose." Mike laughed outright. "Impose? No, no, Phil you're fine. I work at home, remember? Why don't you sit back down and I'll get you a tea or something- you  _do_  need liquid of some sort… I'll see about the glasses."  _Yes, mum._ Phil watched Mike's blurry figure slip out the door, scratching at his throat once he realized how parched he was.  _I've got to at least call Dan, I don't care if Mike's called him already._

* * *

\- Dan PoV

Dan sat down in front of his video camera, futilely trying to do  _something_  productive with his day, since "sitting on the computer all day scrolling through Tumblr  _isn't_  productive."

_What's so special about Mike anyhow?_ Dan muttered to himself angrily, jealousy and doubt beginning to kick in.  _What does he have over me?... Dan you're being ridiculous, Phil's only just met him, Mike's not going to replace you. But over time- especially since I've not exactly been the best…_

_God. Fuck. Shit. I've got to stop thinking like this. It's putting_ me _down, and that's not going to help anyone._ Turning off his video camera in despair, he decided that his next video would have to be a Philisnotonfire; it would be yet another way to incorporate Phil back into his life- as sad as that sounded.  _I wonder how far we've grown apart, though- he's seen me through my moments of existential crisis, so what makes him think I can't help him?_  Dan brooded, his face pulled into a half frown.  _Maybe it's my attitude towards certain things- but he knows I care, he's seen through the façade enough times, for fuck's sake. But what if it isn't me at all?_

_Fuck. I'm being selfish again aren't I? It isn't always about me._

_But what else could be affecting him in his life? The hate on youtube? That's never really affected him before- but then, there was that one time with the 'dan girls'… hate can kickstart anything._ He rubbed at his forehead.  _I'm overthinking this. The only real way to know is to talk to him…so when he gets back –whenever that is- I'll have to ask him. Gently. I need to find a way to get through to him…_

* * *

\- Phil PoV

"Mike?" Phil rubbed at the back of his neck, his cheeks reddening with embarrassment.

"Yeah?" Mike appeared in the doorway, this time brandishing two piping hot mugs of what was presumably tea.

"Where are my clothes?" Phil's adam's apple bobbed up and down as he swallowed with embarrassment, now fully aware that Mike had been the one to undress him and put him in the t-shirt and long bottoms he was currently wearing.

Mike grinned. "In the wash- they were covered in blood…your phone and purse are on the bedside table next to you."

"Oh,  _that's_  what those shapes are."  _I should've guessed._ Picking his phone up and careful not to drop it, he gingerly nodded his thanks to Mike as he placed a mug of tea next to him. Phil was glad he'd memorized his passcode enough to do it without needing to strain his eyes- the difficult part would be getting Dan's number- but thankfully, there was always a magnificent invention called Siri… if she could finally decipher what he was saying.

Mike made his way out of the room. "I'll be back in a bit, I need to do some work before el jefe kills me… you rest- doctor's orders." After a thumbs up from Phil, he left the room.

Phil waited for him to go before dialling Dan, not completely sure as to why he was against Mike hearing there conversation.

* * *

\- Dan PoV

Dan looked up, realizing his mobile was ringing.  _This is happening way too often. I haven't had this many calls in a month, let alone a few days…_ Sighing, he got up slowly, reluctant to talk to anyone.

Reaching for his phone, he saw the caller was Phil- and a small smile began to grow. "Yes, this is dog."

"Hi Dan, it's me."

"Hello, 'me'."

Phil laughed on the other end, a happy sound as opposed to the silence that had been oppressing him since he'd gotten home from Aisling's- and Dan realized how much he'd missed it in the two days. He imagined Phil would laugh with his tongue sticking out, his eyes crinkling with joy. Phil was one of those people who just drew in joy and happiness like a magnet, and Dan supposed that was why he wanted him home. _I always thought you could get lost in those eyes…wait. Fuck. Ignore that thought._

"Look' I'm sorry I didn't call before-"

Dan found himself forgiving Phil straight away for having left him all alone- which was a rare occurrence on any day for anyone else- but it was Phil, and Phil had, after all, done what he did with Aisling.

"It's alright, Mike called for you. You were apparently 'incapacitated'. Even  _I_ have never seen you that drunk."

* * *

\- Phil PoV

The phone dialled, and Phil waited impatiently, anxious to hear from his friend.

"Yes, this is dog." Phil bit back a smile, his demeanour changing completely as he relaxed- this time, completely.

"Hi Dan, it's me."

"Hello, 'me'."

Phil laughed,

"Look' I'm sorry I didn't call before-"

"It's okay, Mike called for you. You were apparently ' _incapacitated_ '. Even  _I_ have never seen you that drunk." Phil chuckled soundlessly.  _Well, I s'pose that's once way to put me as being_ slightly _concussed… and there has always been good reason for me never being that drunk, especially around you._

 

 

 

 


	17. Chapter 17

\-- Phil PoV

  
“Incapacitated? Well, I guess you could put it that way… I can’t remember anything and I have a splitting headache.’ _Thing is, I know I wasn’t drunk. All I remember is someone hitting me from behind. One person. Mike made it sound as though it was a mob of people…_  
“Jesus, Phil.” Dan sounded worried, and Phil supposed he must be- he made a point of never getting drunk – _ever_ \- _especially_ around Dan, for fear of what he could say or do without the layer of control he had when sober. “I won’t even ask how much you drank.” _I didn’t drink! Not that much._ There was a small pause before he continued, this time much more seriously. “…When are you coming home?” “I should be home in a few hours…I’m not sure exactly. I can’t see anything… I need my glasses… I probably look horrible.”

* * *

  
\-- Dan PoV

  
“I won’t even ask how much you drank.” Or why. You only drink that much if you’re trying to forget something or make something that seems impossible happen… He stared at the wall in front of him, not too sure what to say next apart from blurting out the thoughts he’d had for the past few hours. “Phil, when are you coming home?” _Soon. Please, say soon_.  
“I should be home in a few hours…I’m not sure exactly. I can’t see anything… I need my glasses… I probably look horrible.” _He says that, but no. I doubt it. Of course he left his glasses here._ Dan huffed a laugh. “Of course you can’t see anything. You’re like a mole without your glasses.” Phil made a noise of indignation, causing Dan to snort. “I can come get you at the station? I don’t know where he lives, but...”  
“Oh, please.” Phil’s answer was full of relief, and Dan happily took that as Phil wanting to be home just as much as he wanted him home. “I want to go home, and and and sleep for eternity.” “I’m not sure that’s possible.” Phil laughed. “I can try, Dan! Don’t ruin my dreams.” “Okay. Well, I’ll be there as soon as possible. I’ll call you when I’m there, I guess. Tell Mike hi from me- and thanks for the heads-up.” “See you in a few.”

* * *

  
\-- Phil PoV

“Okay. Well, I’ll be there as soon as possible. I’ll call you when I’m there, I guess. Tell Mike hi from me- and thanks for the heads-up.” There was something in Dan’s tone that made it sound as though he and Mike had said more than Phil just being ‘incapacitated’…and Phil wondered what it was. “See you in a few.” Phil tried to hide the reluctance in his voice as he said goodbye, wanting to avoid Mike and talk to Dan for as long as possible. Mike walked in just as the call ended, and Phil suspected that he’d been listening in. “So what’s going on with Dan?” “Oh, he’s coming to get me at the station… He’s bringing my glasses- he knows how I am without them.” “Ah.”  
Phil shuffled awkwardly on the cot, messing with the sheets. This still feels way too much like a hospital to be Mike’s… home. He sighed. Maybe it’s the guest room and he just moved in, or something. Doesn’t stop it from smelling of antiseptic, though. He felt Mike’s eyes on him, more of a predatory gaze than a stare- as if he were prey and Mike the predator. Shuffling uncomfortably, Phil sought to break the tense silence. “DO you mind walking me to the station when Dan calls?” I feel like a 5 year old, needing to be accompanied everywhere. Mike shrugged, which Phil took for a yes. “Thank you…For everything, I mean. I didn’t really expect you to take care of me for that long.” Mike cleared his throat and looked down at his feet. “No problem. Are you sure you want to leave so soon? I mean, after all we only spent the day together…in the end, you were kind of unconscious.” Phil bit his lip with uncertainty, feeling a bit trapped. “I meant to go home and have a rest. Why… don’t we meet up once I’m better? I’m sure then it’d be much more fun than taking care of a comatose Phil.” Mike laughed with his deep, booming laugh. “Oh, I’m sure."

.  
.  
.

Phil stumbled out of the house and into the cold, just as Mike said “Watch your step". Mike caught with one arm before he fell, and hid a smile with his other hand. Keeping a tight hold, he led them on, making sure to keep a slow and steady pace. “So, how blind are you without glasses?” At least know he knows most things about me, if he’s going to be my boyfriend. I’m blind without my glasses and I cut. The thought sent chills down his back. I hope he didn’t notice- or maybe he put it up to something else. “As you can see, very.”  
Mike pointed at something in the distance with his other arm. “I’m not sure if you can see it, but that’s the stop. I assume that’s Dan next to it, but we’re a bit far away to see him.” The spring in Phil’s step was back. “Oh, good.” He tried to make the relief not too evident, should Mike guess the secondary reason he wanted to see Dan. “I will not be blind for long!” 

* * *

\-- Dan PoV

“Hi, Dan.” Mike and Phil said in unison as they approached. Dan nodded his greetings to Mike, noting with surprise how Mike’s hair wasn’t spiky- and begrudgingly appreciated that Mike was actually good-looking and less intimidating with his hair brushed back. “Phil. Are you okay?” Dan frowned as they approached, not liking how tired Phil sounded. He was pale-paler than usual-his eyes sunken in with dark circles beneath them.  
Pulling out Phil’s glasses from his jacket pocket and handing over the coat he’d borrowed from Phil, he took the time to analyse the two men in front of him. Phil was dressed completely differently, and Dan supposed Mike had lent him some clothes- Phil certainly hadn’t brought any with him. The shirt he wore was slightly large on him, and didn’t suit him at all- it was a plain brown, save for a small, silvery triangular design, which served as a logo that Dan didn’t recognize. Mike looked pleased with himself – a look Dan knew he would never like – as he gently placed Phil’s glasses in Phil’s hand. Phil can handle his own things, you know. He’s not that blind. He can see shapes. Piece of shit. Dan glared at the offending hands holding Phil’s before looking back at Phil face. Phil looked just as ready to leave as he was, looking much more lively now that he could see. He placed a hand on Mike’s shoulder and said “Mike, thanks a ton. I’ll call you when I’m feeling more alive.” Thanks a ton? For what? Him imprisoning you in his house? Dan continued glaring at the hand on Phil’s shoulder, waiting impatiently for Phil to move so they could go.  
Ugh. Dan’s stomach rolled as Mike leaned in for a good-bye kiss. Jesus, you’ve only known Phil for a…two days...While he was at your house…ah. Let’s not follow that train of thought.  
A kiss that Phil effectively avoided by kneeling down on one knee and tying his shoe, seemingly oblivious as to what was about to happen had he stayed standing a second longer. Dan smiled at Phil’s antics and the small frown creasing Mike’s face. Ha. Two days at a house doesn’t stop rejection. Hah.  
He then frowned at himself, not liking how he’d suddenly turned competitive. Is it just because I don’t like Mike? I don’t think-Phil looked at him quizzically as he moved to Dan’s right side, gracing Mike with a wave before turning to face Dan completely. “What’s wrong?” Shitake mushrooms. Looking up, surprised at the interruption of his thoughts, Dan laughed and said “Oh, nothing.” Dan turned and waved at Mike, smiling furtively at the fact that he hadn’t even needed to say anything to the other man. I seriously need to think about this more’ it’s seriously going to become a serious problem if I don’t.  
“You know, most people don’t frown at the ground for no apparent reason.”  
Dan stuck out his tongue in response.

 

* * *

 

 

_And I've always lived like this  
Keeping a comfortable distance  
And up until now I had sworn to my self that I'm content with loneliness  
Because none of it was ever worth the risk_

_But you are the only exception_

* * *

\-- Phil PoV

“ _Obviously_ I’m not most people.” _No, of course not. Then I wouldn’t be attracted to you let alone_ in love _with you. And if you were ordinary, I’d have told you I loved you; I wouldn’t be so scared I’d lose you if I even had the courage to tell you…_

“Yes, you’re very special.”

“No. No, that’s not me, that’s you.” Dan nudged him and laughed. “Very special. Very special in the head, you are.” Dan pulled back suddenly, and stepped behind him. “Phil, what the _hell_ happened to your head?” _What? What’s wrong with it?_ Phil’s hands immediately flew to the back of his head, and he probed it self-consciously as Dan stared at him. He knew of the bump there, of course- it had been throbbing since he’d left the house- but he didn’t know how it looked. There was no point asking for a mirror if he could barely see any thing anyway. “Is it more weirdly shaped than usual?”

“…Yeah, it has a _huge_ bump on it.” _At least that makes sense._

“I can feel _that_.”

“And you can’t remember it happening _at all?”_

“Uhm...No. I must’ve knocked into something.”

“I’d say that’s an understatement. When we get home, I’ll have a closer look at it.” Phil ducked under Dan’s piercing gaze. “You don’t need to, you know.”

Dan shrugged. “Maybe I do. Who knows, you could have a concussion, Phil. That’s never good.” Phil bit his lip to stop himself from saying anything. _Why does he have to be such a good best friend? Why does he have to care? He’s making it so difficult to be attracted to someone else._

 

* * *

\-- Dan PoV

“Yes, you’re very special.”  A warm feeling began to blossom from the pit of his stomach. _The warm, weird tingly feeling returns._ _It’s good to have him back._

“No. No, that’s not me, that’s you. Very special.” He paused. _Shit. That sounded too romantic._ “Very special _in the head,_ you are.”

Guiltily, he wondered if that was the right thing to say- _after all, Phil must already feel bad about himself, am I adding to it? I really have to watch now._ Phil didn’t seem to take any offense and laughed along with him. Dan watched as Phil gingerly touched the back of his head, and noticed a large bump jutting out of the back. _What the_ hell _is that?_

Dan stepped behind Phil, his face pulled into a concerned frown. “Phil, what the _hell_ happened to your head?” _How the hell did that happen_? _Didn’t Mike see it?_ Phil’s hands immediately flew to the back of his head, precisely where they’d been before- and he probed it awkwardly as Dan stared at him.

“Is it more weirdly shaped than usual?” Dan’s brow creased even further. _His head isn’t weirdly shaped whatsoever._

“…Yeah, it has a _huge_ bump on it.”

“I can feel _that_.”

“And you can’t remember it happening _at all?”_

“Uhm...No. I must’ve knocked into something.” _It’s a bit more than a ‘knock’._

“I’d say that’s an understatement. When we get home, I’ll have a closer look at it.” Phil ducked under Dan’s piercing gaze. “You don’t need to, you know.”

Dan shrugged. _This. This is why I shouldn’t let him out of the house, ever._ “Maybe I do. Who knows, you could have a concussion, Phil. That’s never good.” _Why didn’t Mike say anything about this?_ He sighed. _He probably didn’t notice it- he must be blind._ The small voice at the back of his head piped up _Or maybe he doesn’t stare at Phil as much as you do._ Dan blinked. _That’s not possible. Mike’s his…boyfriend now, I suppose. He should’ve noticed, goddamnit._ He watched Phil amble along a bit ahead of him, fiddling with the cuffs of his jacket, and felt a surge of protectiveness overtaking his anger at Mike. Catching up to Phil’s pace, he asked “What did you even do at his house for 2 days?” Phil turned to him, his eyes wide in alarm. “I didn’t spend that long there!” Dan chuckled. “Okay, fine- a night and a day?”

“…I can’t remember” “You can’t remember.” Dan replied sarcastically, gesturing with his fingers. _Bullshit._ _‘He can’t remember’ he says. What is he trying to hide? What would he not tell me about?_ There was a long pause. _Oh._ Dan reddened and attempted to laugh it off. _Let’s not go into that. Let’s never get into that. It’s fine to joke about it on YouTube videos, but to actually talk about it in real life, hell no. Too private even for me, I just... eugh._ Dan pulled a face, having disgusted himself.

 

* * *

\-- Phil PoV

Phil watched the various changes in Dan’s expressions with amusement, knowing exactly what Dan was thinking. _No, Dan, that didn’t happen. Nothing happened. But I can’t tell you that. You’d start to suspect Mike as the one who hit me- and I know it wasn’t him. He was in front of me at the time…Whatever happened, it’s in the past. I don’t need to give you another reason to worry about me._ Getting annoyed with Dan’s slow pace –he was still mulling over whatever he’d been thinking- he tugged Dan by the sleeve, shivering as he led them into the underground. Dan’s fingers tantalizing close to his own, he ignored the butterflies that has started to form in the pit of his stomach. _No, that is never going to happen._

 

* * *

 

\-- Dan PoV

Dan was shaken out of his strange reverie as he was tugged down the stairs into the underground, with Phil two steps ahead of him. “Come on, Dan! I can hear the train. If we catch this one, we’ll be home sooner. It’s freezing, if you hadn’t noticed.” No, he hadn’t how cold it was, to be honest –he was too caught up in his own little world- but he did notice how close Phil’s hand was to his own. _I swear this is every fangirl’s dream._

 

Deciding to say nothing about it, he ran after Phil. He dismissed the urge to hold Phil’s hand as something caused by the ‘heat of the moment’ excitement caused by running to catch the train- and passed off the hitch in his breath as being caused by the exercise.

 

Phil let go the minute they go into the train, and avoided Dan’s gaze by looking out the window, using it to fix his tousled appearance. _Did I miss something?_ Dan shook his head and decided not to think on it more- he had more important things to think about, and he had no idea how to approach them. _I’m going to be treading on eggshells talking about self-harm- and I’m not exactly the lightest person. But I need to do this, and soon- this can’t go on forever._

 

* * *

\-- Phil PoV

Phil nodded at Dan, indicating with his head that it was time to get off. Fixing his glasses and wiping off the condensation caused by the change in temperature between the temperature inside the train and the freezing temperature outside, he desperately used this as an excuse to not look Dan in the eye. _Hopefully he didn’t see anything. Too much has been seen today, especially with Mike and my cuts- I can’t have Dan suspecting something else. He's worrying about so much already..._ Dan was, thankfully, too focused on hassling the keys out of his pocket to notice. 

 

 


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now that people want me to update more often here and I tend to forget (sorry! I'm working on it);  
> if you want a more updated version of this fic, I update on fanfiction.net once a week (usually.)
> 
> Link: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8943437/1/A-Maze-of-Thoughts
> 
> The chapters are choppier there, which means that here, you might have two chapters in one.  
> For example, the chapter you're about to read (Chaptah 18) is the equivalent of Ch. 23 on ff.net

 

 

 

 

 

_I don't wanna hear you've got a boyfriend_

_Sometimes you're better off alone  
But if you change your mind, you know where I am  
Yeah if you change your mind, you know where to find me_

_…_

_And never did I think that I_  
Would be caught in the way you got me  
But girls love girls and boys  
And love is not a choice

 

 

 

* * *

\-- Dan PoV

Dan let them in the apartment after a brief string of curses and a quick struggle with the lock, with Phil seemingly too tired to laugh at his antics.

If Dan were to be completely honest with himself, he'd say he was concerned  _something_ happened at Mike's that he'd missed.  _Maybe today isn't the best day to talk about it._

Kicking his shoes off, Phil asked, "So how was Aisling's Party?"

Dan crumpled his nose in response and turned away, shrugging off his jacket. Heading to the kitchen, he go himself a glass of water and turned to face Phil, who was now looking at him with an amused expression.

"I'll take that as 'not fun at all'." Dan smirked and sipped his water. "Ding ding ding."

"What was it like, then?" Phil tilted his head at him, a small, knowing smile growing as he continued, "Were they not impressed with your Beyoncé dance moves?"

Dan burst out laughing. _God. It's great to have him back._  He placed the water on the counter."No. There was no good music to dance to."

Phil grinned at him, a true, bright smile, one he hadn't seen in awhile that made his heart melt and his pulse race. "Amateur. You should know how to dance without music."

"Right, because  _you_  can definitely do that."

"Well… not anymore. I lost my sense of dance, remember?" Phil looked down, in a mock-sad expression.

"Mhm. Sure." Dan said sarcastically, still snickering _._ " _That's_  why you don't dance at parties."

"At least  _I_  socialize."

"Eugh. People."

Phil rolled his eyes, still smiling. "You and I are both people, Dan."  _There is a distinction, you know._ " _Special._ We're _special_ people."

"If you say so." Phil turned away and headed towards his bedroom, yawning. "I seriously need to sleep."

Dan leaned on the counter, watching him go with a disappointed drop of his head before pushing himself off the counter and saying "Phil! Wait, your head… I need to have a look."  _How could I forget?_

Phil turned and gave him a mixed look Dan couldn't even begin to interpret. Sighing, he made his way back to where Dan was standing, where he was then pointed to a stool behind the counter. "Sit there. I'll be back, with…stuff." "I'm worried." Phil joked, pulling his face into a scared expression. "…You should be." "That's… not helping." Dan cackled evilly, and headed to the bathroom, snatching the first aid kit.  _Just in the instance there's...blood or something._

"Okay, Phil, I can't see anything if I stare at your face."  _As much as I'd like to_. Phil grumbled and turned on the spot. "You don't need to do this. I'm fine." "You might be; but better safe than sorry…"  _Can't have you dying on me, now._  Phil winced as Dan pushed away the hair around the bump, brushing against it. "Sorry." Dan murmured softly, this time much more careful as he inspected the strange, egg-shaped bump.  _It looks like someone hit him, not him hitting something... let alone knocking it_  There was no blood, or anything to alarm him whatsoever except its strange shape."If anything… it's just a bump. I'll come and check on you in a bit and see if you're still alive."  _That is what they do, isn't it? If they have a concussion and they're sleeping, you need to...check on someone once and hour_  .  _Right_?  _Even if Phil doesn't have one, I can't risk it. I'll have to look into that after I check on him._

Phil was quick to stand up, eager to get away from Dan's lingering touch. " _That's_  reassuring." Dan looked at him, feeling slightly disappointed at him getting up so rapidly.  _Off he goes again._  "I wouldn't worry too much about it." Phil shook his head before wincing once more. "Whatever. I'm off."

"Okay. I'll wake you up in a bit."

"Yes, mum." Phil intoned, turning away. Dan watched him go, feeling a sense of loss – and as if he'd missed something important - before turning to look out the window, finding the dismal weather more depressing than usual. Steel grey clouds pressed down on the city, dulling its lights. Brown slush lined the streets, a disgusting combination of grey and polluted snow that just wouldn't melt away. Checking his watch –he found he could never really tell by the weather anymore- he saw that it was only two in the afternoon.  _It's only… just after noon. I went to get him around… twelve-ish? Maybe a bit later. The train was a bit late...Why would he be that tired?_  He shrugged it off.  _Maybe he woke up early. Who knows what he…they did in two days. I don't want to think about it. Eugh. All I know is he wasn't here. And that was horrible enough._

Dan sat on the sofa, reluctant to move into any other position- even gaming position. He wanted to think- more than anything else. Which was the only thing that seemed to be happening these few days.  _At least he's home, right? I couldn't even manage two days without him…and here I used to think we still lived to separate lives. What if this whole 'I'm going to stay over at his place' becomes a normal thing. What do I do then? Shit. Why am I so fucking dependent on him?_

He stood up, dragging his feet as he made his way to his room.

_And why do I hate Mike so much? ...He's helping Phil more than I am at the moment. Maybe that's why. He's doing my job. Phil's done so much for me, and I can't even being to help him._

Clicking the door closed, he sighed and leaned against it, closing his eyes.  _Aisling's right. I shouldn't be_ this _concerned about Phil all the time. Not everything should come down to him, should it? My own…happiness relies on him being around. Well. Long-term. Long-term happiness. And the weird feelings don't help- it really shouldn't feel that nice to have put an arm around him… or, or or have him laugh at something I said. That happens all the time. Him laughing at me, or something I say… it shouldn't feel that great, should it? Even- even a fucking smile- like it did earlier. That was strange,_ really _strange. A smile shouldn't really make me want to blush like a teenage schoolgirl talking to her crush. To be fair, it_ is  _a great smile. Fucking angelic is what it is. Don't even get me started on his laugh and when his tongue does the 's...it's.. it's Phil, really. The greatest thing that ever happened to me. It's not a surprise I'm "protective" of him. It shouldn't be. It should never be a surprise. Some of my best memories are.. with, and thanks to him._

Images of fleeting touches and glances flashed through his mind, warming him to the core. Flashes of old videos -which had taken ages to make thanks to all the laughing and joking, but were definitely worth it- took over his thought close they were in all the YouNows, trying to fit into the camera frame, Phil urging Dan to show more of his face, nudging him into the frame. The day they first met, how nervous he'd been to meet his favourite youtuber, his  _icon_ , his now present best friend... they'd connected right away, all thanks to PJ and a good internet connection.  _Where would I be without him?_  Phil comforting him as rivulets of tears poured down and off his face in his moments of feeling worthless. The pillow fights and baking sessions they would have in the middle of the night because Dan couldn't sleep. Those moments of silence they had- when they could understand each other perfectly without needing to speak. Where silence was never uncomfortable but reassuring instead. The nights where they would watch scary horror films until four in the morning, engulfed in warm blankets and pillows, popcorn scattered around them and on the floor.  Pure jealousy enveloped him as an image of Mike holding Phil close, almost kissing, covered in snow and laughing like idiots made an unwanted appearance in his memories. Affection took over the jealousy as he remembered how Phil had handed him his jacket, his eyes sparkling with mirth and his cheeks rubbed raw from the cold.

_I want that..._

His eyes snapped open with sudden realization, his stomach fluttering, his mouth dropping open in surprise. He grasped the door handle in alarm, as though it could serve to support him.

  _Shit._   _How the hell can I only realize that_ now _?_

_Fucking shit. I…(- ~~more than platonically~~ -) like my own fucking best friend._

_Shit._

_  
_Fuck.

 


	19. Madness

  
_I... I can't get these memories out of my mind._   
_And some kind of Madness,_   
_Has started to evolve, mmn._

_And I... I tried so hard to let you go._   
_But some kind of Madness,_   
_Is swallowing me whole,_

_I have finally seen the light._   
_And I... have finally realized._   


* * *

 

\-- Dan PoV

It hit him like a train, and he stood there gaping like a fish. The distant, happy memories vanished into the air.

 

_Shit. This is not good._

_This is very not good._

_How did I not fucking realize this before?_

He slid down the door, and put his head in his hands. _Honestly._

_I’ve been thinking…these. These... things for fucking ages and I never thought to realize…_

_I’m such an idiot. I didn’t even stop to think about it._

_I had to realize it_ now _. And I say ‘realize’… how long has this been going on?_

 

He slipped his phone out of his pocket, quickly dialling Chris with shaking fingers. _My phone has honestly not gotten this much action in a year._

“Hello, this is Chris.”

“Hey, Chris. Can you answer a question for me?”

“The meaning of life is 42.”

“ _Chris._ ” Dan’s fingers played in his lap, anxious to get an answer. “I’m serious.”

“Then what is the question you are _seriously_ asking?”

”Chris, how long have you shipped me and Phil?”

There was a small pause as he thought. “about…since I met the two of you.”

“Why?”

“What do you mean, why?”

“Why did you ship the two of us?”

“It’s ‘do you ship the two of us’ and because of how you two are around each other. You know, with the whole sexual tension.” Chris laughed.

“ _Great.”_ He sighed, wanting to ram his head against the wall.

“Dan? What’s wrong?”

 _Shit shit shit. Think fast._ “Nothing.” He said quickly, grasping the phone tightly. “I’m doing this for a video, and I just realized how long ago we met you.”

Chris laughed on the other end of the line. “They are going to get a kick out of that…especially since I was actually being serious.”

“ _Exactly_ … you know, if I ever get to uploading this thing. Anyway, thanks, I’ve got to get back to this video or I’ll never finish it.”

“See you around.”

“Yeah…see you.”

He threw his phone back onto his bed and leaned back against the door. _If I’d_ known _then, I could’ve done something about it, but now… it’s not like I can announce it to him. ‘Hey Phil. I discovered that I’ve been attracted to you since forever.”  Yeah, that would go down really well._ And _he has to have a fucking boyfriend. Everything is going to be difficult now. Living in ignorance was so much better.  I mean, even if he were to be single… I’d be too scared to do anything that would ruin our friendship, even if there was a chance this could make it better._ He laughed at himself quietly, a bittersweet smile stuck on his face. _Look at that sudden change; a change that happened in a minute- from “not more than friends” to “hey, what if we were.” What. A. Switch._

_It’s strange that my only problem with this is how I didn’t realize it before- I must’ve known all along…subconsciously, as silly as that sounds. I’d say there’s no point dwelling on it and to move on- but it’s not that simple. It explains so much. Why I don’t like Mike whatsoever, why Aisling and everyone else seem to think we’re a couple._

_…Why people have always wondered if Phil and I…were gay for each other- wait._ He lifted his head, his eyes widening with something akin to hope. _For each other… means it’s not just me, right?_ He shook his head at himself. Now _you sound like a hopeful teenage girl. Can’t really blame myself, though._ He smiled to himself. _It is_ Phil, _after all._

 

His phoned beeped an alarm from across the room, and he sighed again, disinclined to get up. _I guess it’s time to check on Phil. How odd will it be to see him after this...weird epiphany_?

 

Dan stepped into the dark room, wiping his hands on his jeans. Flicking on the lights, he walked over to the chair nearest to Phil’s bed and picked up the totoro sitting there. Sitting down and clutching the totoro to him, he stared at the sleeping figure, which looked so peaceful that he was hesitant to move for fear of waking it. A black splash of hair could be seen on a pillow, an arm tucked under the pillow he was sleeping on. The normally bright blue eyes were shut to the world, the eyelashes acting as a prison.

 The nervous lump in his throat began to unfurl as he relaxed at the sound of Phil’s steady breathing. _You could’ve been attracted to anyone. It had to be your best friend._ Sighing at himself, he chucked the totoro at his head. “You alive?” Phil groaned and looked blearily towards Dan, his voice deep with sleep. “Mm…no. Too tired to be alive.” He rolled over, pulling the sheets above his head as cover against the light.  Dan’s mouth curled into a fond smile at the sight. _Maybe that’s not so bad._ Dan half-laughed, getting up to turn off the light. “I’ll come back in another hour.” “Mmbmgm.” _It’s not my fault he has to be so adorable. No wonder he has a boyfriend…which he hasn’t announced officially as a boyfriend. Which I … like. A lot. That means something could change. Anything could happen… and it would be him and I again. No…relationships in the way. Even if that means we’re only best friends. Hiding feelings can’t be so hard. I’ve been doing it for ages, apparently- against myself. Which doesn’t make sense. Because I already knew I loved Phil. Just… not to this level, I think._

 

Dan leaned against the doorframe, a soft smile gracing his face, his mind a complete maze of thoughts. 


	20. Chapter 20

  
_Last night, I knew what to say_   
_But you weren't there to hear it_   
_These lines, so well rehearsed_   
_Tongue tied and over-loaded_   
_You'll never notice_

_I'm not in love_   
_This is not my heart_   
_I'm not gonna waste these words_   
_About a girl_   
_I'm not in love_   
_This is not your song_   
_I'm not gonna waste these words_   


* * *

\- Dan PoV

He stood up from the doorframe, realizing how creepy he must look if anyone saw him standing there, looking at Phil's sleeping form. He made his way back to his room before turning around –deciding that he couldn't really spend all day on his computer- and headed to the living room. Sitting down at his console, he set another alarm on his phone and plugged into Skyrim.  _I might as well do something while I think. Maybe this will stop me overthinking._

After being killed several times, he put his controller down in despair. _That's not working at all is it?_  He sighed and turned off the television. _I s'pose I'm too distracted by this whole ordeal. This whole hing answers a few questions, but god does it raise a ton more._

_…What am I going to do about Aisling? What about Mike? What will it change between me 'n Phil if I were to announce it?_

_It's not like I can suddenly drop her in the dust… especially since I'm not sure what I'm going to do about this... whole thing. I guess they were all right in the end- even Aisling. Damn. I can't say that to her. This would be a second relationship broken by best friendship…turned to romance. In this case, a sudden one- sided romance that'll go nowhere because no way in hell am I telling Phil. Ever._

_As much as he's bi, or or or whatever it is that he is, that doesn't mean he'll be attracted to me in any aspect other than friendship. Bisexuality is just like pansexuality, it doesn't mean that just because they like men and women, they like_ all  _men and women. It's only the Phans who seem to think Phil would ever have a thing for me anyway, it's not like he's expressed anything of the sort and…_

 _… I am not going to jeopardize our friendship over some stupid crush._  He sighed at himself, running a hand through his hair.  _Except it isn't just a silly crush that I could get over quickly, is it? Not if I've had it for this long._

_Shit. This is so confusing. Why did it have to be Phil?... then again, who else would I rather it be? I can't even pretend to be surprised. Everyone saw it before I did, and yet here I am. Figuring it all out now._

_But what do I_ do?  _It's going to be difficult to pretend like everything is back to what it always was, because that wouldn't be right at all, and Phil would see right through that. He'd be asking what's wrong, and I can't exactly answer that truthfully. I...shit. If I asked anyone what to do, they'd tell me to tell Phil, but it's not that fucking simple. Maybe this whole crush thing will run its course since I've "realized" it. I can't be attracted to Phil. No. I value our friendship too much. I've ruined so much already. Adding more awkwardness into the mix won't help, not now… not with him and Mike and the cutting and me and Aisling and… no._

_I just can't say anything about it. Ignore it like I did before, maybe?_

He laughed at himself.  _Right. Because that's possible when an attractive guy –who also happens to live with you- walks into the room._

_Jesus. I haven't felt like this since Highschool._

_I guess I'll have to man up to it at some point, if it sticks. And hey, it's Phil. I keep saying that, but it's true. We're close enough that… a a a little crush like this wouldn't ruin everything, right? It would just be…extremely awkward for a bit if..things didn't work out._

_Except I can't exactly announce it. Now…. Or ever. He has a boyfriend and who knows how long that'll last for; Mike seems to make him happier than I do, as much as that angers me to no end. There's no room for me to butt in or say anything without me making things much more awkward than they are, and_ that's _saying something._

* * *

\- Phil PoV

Phil watched through heavy lidded eyes as the door slowly closed, the sound of Dan's footsteps retreating from his room.  _Why does he have to care; he's making it so difficult to turn my complete attention to Mike. If he wasn't so nice, and caring… I wouldn't be stuck in this bloody predicament. If he wasn't straight- oh no, even then, because who in the world would ever be attracted to me? The 'dan-girls' have asked that question so many times…_  He stuffed his head into his pillow, willing himself to snap out of that train of thought, for it would never end well. His eyes grew accustomed to the dark, and he wasn't so tired anymore.  _I need a break. Getting away should solve this issue, right? Maybe it's just because I'm around Dan all the time. I could… leave for a week. Maybe invite Mike, if it isn't too early in the stages to do that. Question is, where will I go? I could go meet some fans somewhere else in Europe- that could serve to get my mind off things. How about that. Just…getting away._

_I'll feel bad leaving Dan on his own like that, but it's the only way I can think of. And it's not like he'll miss me at all. He probably won't even notice me gone. He has Aisling. And Chris and Peej, and...well, the others. No one will notice me gone. I'm not that special._

_It's only a week... a few days. Just to test if anything happens. If separation does anything. If anything, it could make this whole attraction thing to Dan stronger._   _I honestly don't think it'll do anything, but it's worth a try, right?_

He stood up gradually, pushing himself up with his arms, and quietly made his way to hit computer. He quickly logged into Twitter, and asked the question- "So, guys, where should I go next to come see you?"

* * *

_Open your eyes_  
Like I opened mine  
It's only the real world.  
A life you will never know

Shifting your weight  
To throw off the pain  
Well you can ignore it  
But only for so long

* * *

\-- Phil PoV

 _Birmingham it is. At least it's not too far away_. Phil sighed at his computer screen.  _I don't want to leave. But it's for the best, isn't it?_  
He rose from his chair, rubbing his eyes, and ambled into the living room, not so keen on sleeping anymore.  _I'll have to buy the tickets and everything tonight so it's organized. And tell Dan today... He'll probably try to talk me out of it. Or want dates and details and reasons which I just don't have yet. Eugh. This is going to be difficult to break to him after ...what did he say? Two days away. I'll leave the day after tomorrow. So it's soon_.  _There has been too much…drama lately. I need a break from it all. Maybe I'll call mike and see if he wants to come along or something._  

* * *

\-- Dan PoV

Dan looked up from the floor as Phil walked in, yawning, running a hand through his already dishevelled hair.  _Now, what was I saying about attractive?_  "Hey, Phil. Aren't you going to get more sleep?" Phil shook his head in response and headed over to the kettle. "Fancy some tea?" Dan nodded and looked back at the television, intent on stopping himself from staring at Phil. "Please. "  
 _This is going to be so much more difficult than I thought_.  
Phil's eyes flicked between Dan and the screen. "Have you been playing Skyrim this whole time?"  
Dan grinned at him sheepishly, before looking back at the screen with a small, half laugh before picking up his controller once again. "NooOo. Where would you get that idea?"  _No. I've been thinking too much for that to happen. I’ve gotten nowhere whatsoever._  
 "From the Dan shaped indent in that bean chair." Dan laughed, and fixed his eyes on the screen as Phil approached,  his pulse starting to race.  
Phil sat down on the sofa next to him, the kettle boiling sounding louder in the silence. "Have you gotten any further? Last time I saw you, you were in... What's It called...Whiterun. Again." "Yeah, I went up two levels and then had to talk to the Jarl about the Imperials. I'm a Blade now." "A what?" Dan forced himself not to turn around and face him as he answered.  _Don’t. Look. At. Him. You’ll get distracted and panic._  "You know, one of those guys who protects to world against dragons. And the king. They were bodyguards or something in the old days." "I thought killing dragons was your job anyway?" "It is. But this is a...an elite group that's been around for ages. They know what they're doing." "And you don't?" "No, not really." Phil chuckled and got up as the kettle began to whistle. Dan sighed in relief, his tense muscles relaxing.  _God. How am I going to manage this_. Dan figured that this wouldn't be a matter that could be solved quickly through ignoring it.  _That would just make it worse_ … _and it’s not exactly possible anymore._

* * *

\-- Phil PoV

Phil rummaged around the kitchen, looking for mugs and tea bags for him and Dan, all the while wondering how he’d bring up his impending travel session. “Hey Dan?”

Dan turned away from the screen to face him, and tilted his head in question. “I was thinking of heading out and meeting a few fans soon, just to go see the ones not based in London.” Dan’s head lowered slightly as he considered this, causing his hair to cover his eyes as he tried not to show how adverse he was to the idea. Phil rummaged through the cupboards, hoping with fervour that Dan wouldn’t argue or question it- because he would never win, and he couldn’t exactly explain why he had a pressing need to leave.  “When? Where would you go?”

“In a few days- just to Birmingham. It’s only a few hours away, and I could stay for two or three days… maybe more. I was thinking of maybe bringing Mike with me…” _I might as well have some time with Mike if I’m away from Dan- that would make it easier, and maybe help me get over this thing faster, and maybe encourage more of a relationship…make up for lost time, that kind of thing._

“Oh… Okay.”  _I shouldn’t have worried. He doesn’t mind._ Phil turned away to pour the tea, and Dan seemed to wilt as he did, his shoulders dropping dejectedly. He bit his lip and turned back to his videogame.

 

* * *

\-- Dan PoV

“In a few days- just to Birmingham. It’s only a few hours away, and I could stay for two or three days… maybe more. I was thinking of maybe bringing Mike with me…”, Phil said, not looking at him directly.  _Well shit. If him going away wasn’t bad enough, it’s with Mike. Great._  “Oh, okay.”  _It’s not okay, though. If he takes Mike with him and it goes well… shit. Anything could happen. There was a time when I’d be happy for Phil, but now…_

He straightened his shoulders and drew his eyes back to the screen in front of him. Phil approached once more, this time holding steaming mugs of tea in each hand, placing one next to Dan, who fought to look completely focused on his game.

 

* * *

\-- Phil PoV

Phil leant down, putting Dan’s tea next to him, their shoulders almost touching, causing his breath to catch. He frowned at himself.  _Well that’s just ridiculous. Shoulder. It’s his damn shoulder. Why would I get flustered over that? Gah._  Sitting back down on the sofa with his own tea, and careful not to spill it, he watched Dan play and relaxed at the silence in the apartment, every so often broken by the muted sounds of Dan clicking the controller.

Dan’s phone began to vibrate from its position on the sofa, and Phil’s eyes were unwillingly drawn to it. He sighed at the caller ID.  _Aisling. Of course._

“Dan, it’s for you.” He paused his game and looed up, half-annoyed, half-questioning. “Who is it?” “Aisling, I think.” Dan groaned and Phil tossed the phone to him.  _Girlfriend problems?_

Dan caught the phone thrust at him, his nose wrinkling.  _And what caused_ that? “My phone has not been used this much since…forever.” Phil laughed. “Girlfriends. What did you expect?” Dan mocked shooting himself in the head and answered the call.

 “Hi, Aisling. Yes, I’m fine, thank you. How are you?” He stood up, and carefully manoeuvred around the tea at his feet, and began to pace around the living room, Phil’s eyes following his movements. “Free? Soon? Oh, I don’t…actually, maybe. Phil’s leaving town in a few days, maybe you can come over then?” The statement made Phil grimace, which he hid by sipping his tea.  _Of course he’ll be making use of me being gone. With his girlfriend. What a wonderful thought. It’s unsurprising, really._ “What do you mean, when? Oh. He said in a few days, I’ll see if he has an exact day planned.” Dan’s eyes flicked to him as he held the phone away from his mouth. “Do you know when you’re leaving exactly?” “The day after tomorrow.” This time, his resolve was firm and unmoveable.  _The sooner I get away from this, the better. I leave Dan to be happy with said girlfriend, and I get to be happy not dwelling on that fact._  Dan nodded and looked away, but not before Phil saw the downcast, big-eyed puppy look that his eyes held, effectively making Phil’s heart melt. “The day after tomorrow. No, I don’t know what time. Uhm. I guess we could meet sometime after lunch. No, no. I honestly don’t know. I just found out he was leaving about a minute ago. I… _what?_ Oh no, not that again. No, I won’t be hung up on his leaving. How many times do I need to tell you- he’s my best friend, and that’s  _it_.” Phil glared down at his tea, hating the finality with which Dan spat the words. “No, I’m not being defensive.” Dan bit back, remarkably prickly, his cheeks darkening.  _I have never seen him get that angry, that quickly. He_ never  _argues if he can help it..._  “No. I’m telling the truth. Jesus. I’m just done with this subject, that’s all. It’s…well, you do bring it up every time.” He rolled his eyes at Phil, who raised an eyebrow in question.  _Every time? She thinks we’re in a relationship? I wish._  “No. No I’m not picking a fight. Oh for f- okay. Look… I need you to get over this whole ‘Phil-and-I might be a thing’ thing, okay? How about we meet up a few days after Phil’s gone, to  _ensure_  I’m  _not_  hung up over him leaving.” His voice dripped with sarcasm, and he looked positively done with whatever Aisling was saying.  _Getting tired of his girlfriend? Good sign._ “Okay. Bye.” He pulled the phone away form his ear and exhaled, calming his nerves.

“Here I was, thinking you two got along well.” Phil said, putting down his tea and catching the phone as Dan threw it back at him, turning it off.

“We  _did_. I’m not so sure anymore.” Dan shook his head and sat back down, sipping his own tea. “She’s so caught up about you and I, and how we get along ‘so well with each other it’s suspicious.’” He added air quotes to the mix of sarcasm and derision. He sighed and dropped the act, turning back to the television and un-paused it.

“She thinks we’re in a relationship?” “Yeah. Says it’s something about the way we look at each other or some shit like that. It’s incredible.” Even Phil was incredulous. “The way we  _look_  at each other?”  _I’m sure I would notice if Dan looked at me like she’s suggesting._ “Oh. And act, like how you lent me your coat… oh, what was the other reason she had? How most friends don’t care for each others’ well being like we do.” “Uhm, sorry?” “I know. It’s like she’s read all the comments on youtube and suddenly turned into a phan-shipper.””

* * *

\-- Dan PoV

_We did get along. At least until she thought we were in a relationship. First it was annoying because she shouldn’t be completely fixated on that- but now it’s annoying because it’s something I want and can’t have. It’s like she’s dangling it in front of my face, a bit like a big fish in front of a starving cat._

 

“She thinks we’re in a relationship?”  _Yep, and it is not helping my whole dilemma. Especially since I’ll need to break up with her at some point…and explain why._  Dan kept his eyes on the television screen. “Yeah. Says it’s something about the way we look at each other or some shit like that. It’s incredible.”  _Lay it on thick. Make sure he doesn’t suspect any-fucking-thing._  “The way we  _look_  at each other?” Phil looked so baffled that Dan had to stifle a laugh as he continued. “I  _know._ Apparently we ‘share longing glances”. Oh. And  _act_ \- say, how you lent me your coat…that’s what she was talking to me about when you left with Mike the other day, it was almost hilarious. Oh, what was the other reason she had? How most friends don’t care for each others’ well being like we do.” _Which I suppose is true. But then- we do have a really close friendship._  “Uhm, sorry?”  _I can’t really blame her for thinking the lines between friendship and relationship are blurred and crossed over._ “I know. It’s like she’s read all the comments on youtube and suddenly turned into a phan-shipper.”

 _Why did she have to notice in the first place? It’s just rubbing in salt on the wound- that Phil has his own fucking boyfriend. Who, as everyone knows, isn’t me._ Dan cursed her for ever realizing that there was ‘something’ between him and Phil.  _She’s going to make it so much more difficult and I don’t think I can handle that right now. She’s probably going to notice right away that something’s up, and she’s going to put it on Phil leaving… and she wouldn’t be wrong._

 

* * *

\-- Phil PoV

 Phil hid a small smile and picked up his tea once more.  _At least he didn’t complete reject the idea of a relationship.­_

Dan took up his controller once more, this time playing much more ferociously; Phil assumed he was trying to work off his nerves.

“I haven’t seen you that angry in awhile.”

 

* * *

\-- Dan PoV

“I haven’t seen you that angry in awhile.”  _No, of course you haven't. I can never be angry around you, as sappy as that sounds._

“Yeah, well I think you would be too if someone was insinuating something that-“ Dan cut himself off with a bite on his tongue, continuing his rant in his head, -  _I want and will never have… is happening. It’s annoying. More than annoying. Infuriating._  He continued quickly, tripping over his words in the rush to cover his mistake. “It’s just not the first time she’s said this. I’d rather not have a relationship completely fixated on whether I’m having a relationship with someone else.”

 

* * *

\-- Phil PoV

“It’s just not the first time she’s said this. I’d rather not have a relationship completely fixated on whether I’m having a relationship with someone else.” Phil shrugged, looking over Dan’s stutter.  _I can’t really point a finger at him, then. I would be annoyed too. I just wish her suspicions were true… and that she could just exit our lives, stage right. Wouldn’t that be nice._

 

* * *

 

\-- Dan PoV

 

Dan ran a hand through his hair, leaving a trail of hair sticking up in all directions. “I just. It's just so annoying, because... Phil, I-“

 

_Dan. Stop right there. Don’t. Don’t you dare._

 

 


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> By request of epom, I updated :P (just got the email)

  
_Bless your soul, you got your head in the clouds_   
_She made a fool out of you and, boy, she's bringing you down_   
_She made your heart melt but you're cold to the core_   
_Now rumour has it, she ain't got your love anymore_   


* * *

\- Phil PoV

"I just. It's just so annoying, because... Phil, I-" His voice turned soft with an edge of panic. Dan stopped himself, unsure of how he was going to continue.

"You what?" Phil frowned at the sudden, tension filled pause in Dan's words, whose eyes were large and boring into his own- before he caught himself. Dan quickly looked away and stuttered on his words once more. "I'm sorry. It's just.  _Agh._  We're  _friends."_

  _I know that much._ What  _on earth_ _did I just miss?_

"I know. Mike asked the question once, because Aisling asked the other day... but it was only once, and I don't think he really believed what she was saying."

* * *

\- Dan PoV

His heart pounding, Dan looked away, pale.  _That was close. That was too close. How could I have lost control like that?_

"You… what?"

Dan clamped his jaw shut, looking down and away from Phil. "I'm sorry. It's just.  _Agh._  We're  _friends."_

_That was too damn close. What the hell was I thinking? He's leaving in a few days with…with Mike, for god's sake._

"I know. Mike asked the question once, because Aisling asked the other day... but it was only once, and I don't think he really believed what she was saying."  _Back to Mike it is._ Dan squared his jaw.  _At least you didn't say anything. Thank god you didn't say anything. Now you know not to say anything._

"I don't think any one of us believed what she was saying- I mean, we were there on a double date; she'd figured  _that_  out in the end. She knows about you and Mike, so why does she  _insist_?"  _She still suspects something is going on, and…she will even more once she sees me. Fuck. Maybe breaking up with her is the next option I have to take. It's only fair to her, in the end…_

* * *

\- Phil PoV

Phil watched as he turned his face back to the screen, muttering to himself. "It's not as if it'll ever happen."  _Well-_ Phil's mouth dropped open to correct him- before catching himself and shutting it with a snap, looking down dispiritedly as Dan continued with his small rant. He could practically hear the 'Why would I ever want to be with you?' in Dan's simple statement. "I mean, you do have a boyfriend." _No. Not yet, not…officially. Finalizing the –being a couple- would just…be terminating any 0.0001 chance that Dan could step in instead. But I don't think that matters anymore._  "Not exactly. You have a girlfriend." Dan's shoulders lifted and fell in with a sigh. "Yeah. Yeah, I know."

Silence reigned once more in the apartment, letting Dan ruminate on the prospect of breaking up with Aisling. Phil read deeper into what Dan was saying, watching him play with more attention than before.  _It's a bit odd that his only argument against that was that I had a boyfriend. Maybe that struck me because it's not exactly true- I'm not going to declare him a boyfriend any time soon if I can help it- but I'm sure there's more to that argument than that. If only it was just relationships in between. That'd be a nice switch._

Phil stood up and downed his tea, his resolve strong once more. "I'll figure out the travelling details now- and call Mike. I, ah, can't exactly leave that to the last minute." _It is a bit late though-but I hope he's not too busy. He does work at home, so… fingers crossed._

* * *

\- Dan PoV

" _Not exactly?" Isn't that what this week is about anyway? Going away to see fans and…establishing some weird relationship that is moving too fast for me to keep up with?_ Dan nodded to himself as Phil left the room.  _It's a good thing you shut your mouth in time. It's a really good thing. Imagine the awkwardness that would've ensued._ He shuddered.  _Who knows what could've happened then._

_Damn you, Aisling. Ignorance is bliss. I really, really didn't need that bubble to pop, not now. I didn't need to realize how jealous I am of Mike. I really, really didn't…mainly because of Mike. If he didn't fucking exist…I'd probably be singing a different tune about this while crush._

_I'd say it's premature to just dump Aisling on a crush –that is a bit more than a crush anyway-, but it's…it's more than that; now- it's her_ questioning  _over everything I do…or say. It got so old so fast…._

He chopped off an opponents head and decided that, yes, he should, and yes – he would.

* * *

\- Phil PoV

Phil sat back at his computer, bringing up the page with the tickets, looking between his computer screen and his phone.  _Do I really want to take him with me? It's for me and the fans, in the end. Isn't it a bit early to bring Mike along anyway? Yes. I think it is. I can't just rush headfirst into this._  His fingers slid of his phone and back to the keyboard. The letters on the screen blinked at him tauntingly- ' _all you're doing is running away, Phil.' Every so often you need to run away, to get a break._

* * *

\- Dan PoV

Phil walked back into the living room sometime later, this time brandishing a an empty mug of tea- to face a Dan who was still staring intently at the screen. "So I'm leaving at nine on Friday morning." "Did you call Mike?" Dan tried to disguise the edge in his words by sounding uncaring. "Mh. No. I think it's a bit early to take him to meet my fans. a) they'd suspect something is up with you and me if I'm taking someone that's not you. And b) he hasn't even been in a video yet and c) I haven't decided if I actually want him in any of my videos anyway."  _Things are actually looking up. Phil's still leaving, but at least…at least Mike isn't invited._ "Oh, ah…good. How long are you going for?"

* * *

\- Phil PoV

 _Ah...good? Does he not like Mike whatsoever or…_  Phil cursed himself for not noticing.  _I'll need to pay more attention._ "Two, three days max."  _No need to make it longer than it should be. All it is is a small break._

_._

_._

_._

Phil woke up to an already pacing Dan, whose footsteps echoed through the thin walls of their rooms. He stuffed his face into his pillow.  _He's worried about something._  "Dan." There was a pause in the footsteps. "Yeah?" "Stop pacing." "…Sorry. Did I wake you up?" "I'm not sure, but something did." "Sorry, it was probably me." Guilt creeped into his voice. "Go back to sleep, I'll stop now."

The padding of the footsteps faded away, and Phil heard the faint sigh of a pillow as Dan sat on it.  _He's in the living room…What time is it?_  Phil grunted as he moved around to find his phone.  _Who is awake at eight in the morning on a Thursday and pacing? Not Dan. Not ever._

He sighed and got up.  _I'd better go see what's on his mind._  He slid out of the bed sheets and padded his way to the kitchen. "Dan? What's up?" Dan jumped at the sound, obviously too lost in his own thoughts to have heard Phil approach- and wasn't exactly expecting to see an unkempt, half asleep Phil. "it's uhm..It's honestly nothing at all. Nothing important." Phil looked at him skeptically. "You're never up at eight in the morning." "So?" "So you're worried about something." "No I'm not. I'm just thinking…" "Okay. If you say so." Phil yawned again.  _No point going back to bed._  He made himself some coffee and sat down in front of his laptop, which had been left precariously on one of the arms of the sofas. He tried to tune out Dan's pacing, which was incredibly difficult thanks to his mussed appearance- which he still managed to look good in, might Phil add, and he was incredibly tempted to ask what Dan was worried about. Except e knew he wouldn't get anywhere with it- Dan was just as stubborn as he was, and if he was stuck on not telling Phil what it was, then it would stay at that.

Dan stopped pacing two hours later, seeming to have formulated a plan-and left to go shower and get dressed. He came back into the livingroom an hour later, this time looking  _somewhat_  prepared for whatever he was planning to face.

* * *

\- Dan PoV

 _I'm going to hate this... I mean, I honest to god spent about three hours thinking about this, and I still don't want to do it even if it's the best idea._ Dan propped his elbow on the counter in the kitchen, his free hand worrying over its surface.  _Do it now so it's over with. Otherwise you'll never do it._  Avoiding Phil's curious gaze, he grasped at the phone in his back pocket, and it seemed to have gained 10 pounds in weight as he raised it to type in Aisling's number, and gained 10 more as he raised it to his ear, and waited.  _Maybe her phone is off, and I can leave a message?_  His brow knit.  _No. It's better to ask her out, and doing it face to face, than doing it over the phone, you coward._ He forced a smile as the tone stopped ringing and a chirpy voice answered. "Hello?" "Hi Aisling…it's me." His voice was quiet and gentle- strangely soothing, considering what he'd be telling her later. "Oh hello, Dan. What's up?" He bit his lip at the sound of her voice, butterflies starting to flutter in his stomach.  _The sooner the better, isn't that the saying?_ "Hello. Uhm, I know it's a bit late, but do you want to meet up later today? Around one?" He hoped she wouldn't notice the slight shake in his voice, caused by the mix of guilt and the inappropriate feeling of excitement creeping in. He didn't notice the crestfallen look that crossed Phil's face in reaction to his hopeful tone.  _The sooner this is over, well… the sooner I can tell Phil without having to worry about anything...except, you know, a broken friendship._  "Why not? I think I'm free. Where do you want to meet?" Her cheerfulness only made him feel guiltier. "Why don't I just come over, and we go for a walk, have lunch…?" His gaze turned to Phil -whose face was now void of emotion and completely absorbed in what he was reading- and smiled as he took in his entirety; his black hair was arranged at its usual angle, making Dan badly tempted to just ruffle it, -if only to have an excuse to run his hands through it-, the domo shirt he was wearing, the usual black jeans, and –of course- the mismatched socks. He was now plugged in, presumably listening to music as he bobbed his head along.  _Mm. Simply Phil in his entirety. Thank_ god _it's him, of all people._  "That sounds wonderful! I guess I'll speak to you later, then…" her voice trailed off and Dan assumed it was because of his silence; it had been awhile since they'd actually talked –as opposed to text, and their phone calls were often much longer than this when they did, and he was usually much more enthusiastic when he spoke to her. He averted his gaze, and cleared his throat. "Yeah! Sorry. I got distracted- uhm. I'll come get you around one, all right?" _Jesus, I just hope I don't make her cry._ He hung up and grimaced at the phone as though it hurt just to look at it- as though it was burning his fingers.  _In the end, it's only fair to her, and it's completely worth it- should things work out._

Glancing at his the clock on the oven, he snapped out of his reverie. If he was going to get there by one, he'd better hurry- it took  _ages_  to get to her flat by tube, especially on a work day, and it was a quarter to twelve. "Phil-" Phil looked up, raising an eyebrow, the expression on his face completely inscrutable. "…yeah?" Dan grabbed his leather jacket from the stand in the hall, putting absolutely no care into his appearance. "I'm heading out for a bit- i don't know when i'll be home, but I'm sure it won't be too late." He looked at him knowingly. Phil nodded, his attention focused on his computer as he waved in the general direction of the door. "Don't be late. Say hello to Aisling for me and say I was happy to meet her the other day. Have fun!" Dan's lips curved into a tender smile – _if only he knew this is going to be complete opposite of fun-_ and he let himself out. _But it's completely worth it._

...

After a slow and uneventful ride on the tube, Dan dragged his feet through slush, grimacing at the weather and what he was about to do. _This is_ not  _going to be fun._

The door opened with a creak, revealing a beaming Aisling. Her 1000 gigawatt smile caused another guilty punch to Dan's gut. "Hi, Dan. I'm…sorry about yesterday." He shrugged and shifted on the doormat, disinclined to go in. "It's alright, I know where you're coming from. Are you ready to go?" "Yeah, give me a second, I'll go get my coat."  _Please, god, don't make this last longer than it should._

...

"It's Phil, isn't it?!" She half shrieked, her eyes and hair wild, looking the complete opposite of her usual sophisticated manner. The people wandering around them sent Dan disapproving glares- they could clearly see what was going on. Even the trees, their bare branches shaking at him like fists in the wind- seemed to disapprove of his actions. His brow knit.  _At least she's not crying._ "I'm sorry?" "You're breaking up with me because of Phil, aren't you?! It always comes back to him. It has to be him."

His tone got protective at the aggressiveness in her tone.  _God, she's verging on psychotic. Or maybe that's just me._  "Phil has nothing to do with this, except for the fact you're always obsessing about how I  _must_  be in a relationship with him. That's the problem, that's what's _wrong_."  _What. . He has everything to do with this…and she knows it._  "He doesn't even know this is happening! He's leaving tomorrow, for fuck's sake. If I was doing this for him, I'd have done it earlier, and I'd be leaving with him!" _And it shouldn't be this hard, god fucking damnit._  She seemed to take his protectiveness as a sign, a peculiar glint in her eye began to form. "It  _is_ phil. It was always him over me!" He retorted, indignant. "What do you expect, he's my best friend! He has been for a long while!" "Oh, he's definitely more than a friend." His eyes narrowed into slits.  _I definitely didn't expect it to come to this._ "What are you saying?" "You know what I mean, Dan!" "Do I? Phil  _does_  have a boyfriend, you know.  _You met him._ " He challenged, his jaw flexing, betraying how he felt under his originally unruffled façade. She sighed, calming herself down, placing her small, perfectly manicured hand against his chest. "I'm going to miss this…" Dan wanted badly to say 'what, the jacket?' but he clamped his mouth shut instead, resisting the need to fidget and wriggle his way out of her touch. She sighed again and stood back, brushing invisible specks of dust off her form-fitting navy blue dress, her auburn curls catching the light with the movement. "i guess this is it." Her face went blank and she straightened her back; the perfect picture of a soldier readying for battle. "I'll walk myself home." Turning around, she made a shooing motion with her hand s she started to walk. "Run along to your little boyfriend… I can see you're aching to."  _Aching to get away from you._ Dan bit back the retort, refusing to give her the satisfaction of an answer.  _Thank god_ that's _over. Don't know why I didn't do that earlier_  Turning his back to her retreating figure, he marched back to the tube, a ridiculous grin starting to grow on his face.  _Time to go home._

...

Phil looked up from his cooking as the door opened to see a grinning Dan, hair ruffled and rubbing his hands together from the cold

"You look very pleased with yourself."

"Oh, I am." Dan grinned mischievously and shook off his coat.

"Are you going to tell me why?"

Dan paused, a bit like a deer caught in headlights. "…at _some_ point in time."

Phil raised his eyebrows at him and reciprocated his smile. "Okay... Have you had lunch?"

"No, I'm starving."

Phil sighed and shook his head in mock exasperation. "Get yourself a plate and sit down, then."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: sorry, guys..I wanted to, but then.. I went naaah
> 
> s'not exactly realistic to have dan suddenly announce it just after figuring it out.
> 
> ~so close, yet so far away~  
>  muahahah


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> psst character here you might like. tries to keep them in character, let me know of i did/n't

 

_I'm going away for a while  
But I'll be back  
Don't try to follow me  
'Cause I'll return as soon as possible  
See, I'm trying to find my place  
But it might not be here where I feel safe_

_We all learn to make mistakes  
And run from them, from them  
With no direction  
We'll run from them, from them  
With no conviction_

* * *

\- Phil poV

Phil shouldered his backpack with practiced ease, and went through a last check of all his belongings.  _Passport, keys, money, bag- computer? Computer. Lion? No, I'll leave him here. Can't afford to lose him._ Dan watched him shuffle around from the kitchen counter as he took mouthfuls of coffee, slowly accepting the fact that Phil would be leaving. Phil pulled on his jacket, hat and gloves- and caught Dan watching and smiled at him reassuringly. "I'll only be away a few days, you won't even notice me being gone." Dan remained unconvinced, but did his best to look happy for him. "You'd better tell the Philions that I'm jealous of them stealing your attention."  _From him? …never._

"I'll be sure to let them know." He picked up his bag and raised his hand to wave, forcing his feet to move a step over the threshold.

"Wait!" Dan called, gesturing with an arm. He looked at Dan questioningly. "I need to see your head." Phil refrained from rolling his eyes and smiled.  _I'm not sure if that's a plot to make me stay, genuine care...or both._ "The bump is almost gone, Dan. I looked this morning."

"I'll trust your word on that… you're  _sure_  you don't want me to go with you to the station?" "It's ten minutes away,  _nothing_  will happen to me- and if you go with me, you'll probably catch a cold from someone sneezing on you; and you being sick isn't something I look forward to coming back to. So yes, I am." Dan looked at him with a half-pout. "Okay." He sighed. "Well, have fun." "I'll try to. Take care of yourself. Don't burn down the apartment." "I'll try not to." Phil shook his head at him, and with a final smile and wave, shut the door behind him. 

 _That was much easier to do than I thought it would be._  

He exited the building with a happy huff- failing to see a dark shadow a short distance away watching him leave the building.

* * *

\- Dan PoV

Chris laughed at him. "I can hear pink lyrics in the background. Please,  _please_  don't leaaave mee." Dan turned back to his computer and said nothing. "I'm sorry that I'm not sorry. Oh, come on, Dan. It's not that bad, it's only a few days, and he called a few times already. That's better than not hearing from him at all. You didn't invite me over just so you could sit at your computer and mope. Is that what you did yesterday after he left? What happened to your video idea? We could finish it together, or something? Finish the whole "Phan" idea." Dan clicked with that idea. That'll _help get my mind off things._

Dan closed his screen and got up. "It didn't work out that well."  _Meaning I wasn't even thinking about doing a video like that whatsoever. I just wanted an answer to a question._

"Why not?" "…it got awkward pretty quickly." "Why? You're usually pretty open about the whole phan shipping?"

"Well…I..ah. Hum. Usually, I am, yeah." Chris looked at him, his brown eyes narrowing in scrutiny. "…What changed?"

Dan reddened slightly, and he averted his eyes. "…nothing."

Chris crossed his arms. "Right. Come out with it, then."

"I realized something." "What? Related to pha- oh."

The puzzle pieces clicked together, and Chris grinned at him. "That's not so bad. You're lucky." Dan shook his head. "How am I lucky? It's Phil, he's my friend, my best fr-" "That's my point. Wait. You haven't told him?" "No! And you won't either." Chris was completely dumfounded. "Why haven't you told him?" "…I figured it a day ago, for fuck's sake." "Was that why you called me?" "…Yeah. I wasn't really filming for a video." Crhis ignored the statement and carried on. "But, Dan, this is  _great_. You  _need_  to tell him." Dan was mortified, and tried to mask it with a small laugh.  _Oh nonononononnonnono. Telling him would be a very, very bad idea. It's why I didn't tell him about breaking up with Aisling. He'd ask why, because in the beginning I absolutely loved her- that doesn't just stop overnight, and he'd see through my excuses, and-_ "Oh, what, and ruin our entire friendship? Yep, no thanks. That's not exactly my cup of tea."  _I didn't spend so long developing this friendship to make it crumble thanks to a more-extreme fangirl-type infatuation with my best friend._ "How on earth would it ruin your friendship, Phil is comple-" Dan cut through him, incredulous. "What do you mean 'how would it ruin your friendship?' Phil has a boyfriend- it would be kind of awkward to suddenly announce 'Hey Phil, I-". Chris cut through him, feeling more than a bit hurt at having been left out of the loop, and completely shocked by the news. "Phil has a boyfriend?!" "Yeah." Dan groused. "See my problem?" Chris sat back on the sofa, having calmed down from his previous excitement, still seeming dubious at what Dan was telling him. He ruffled his hair thoughtfully. "Is it serious?" Dan fiddled with his laptop.  _Why did I mention this, Jesus Christ._ "I don't know, I just found out about it a week ago. Hell, I just met the guy a few days ago."

* * *

\- Chris PoV

"So then it's  _not_  that serious. You could easily just-"

"I don't  _know_ , Chris. Al I know is that I don't like him. That's what made me realize, in the end."

"You know, telling Phil would be one way of getting rid of him, right?" Dan looked at him sceptically, a small spark of hope starting to form.

"I'm just his friend, Chris, nothing more. It's not as if his view of me would change just because my view of him did."

"Are you sure about that?" Dan drew back into himself, fishing out memories. The past few days flashed before his eyes just as they had a few days before- Phil falling asleep on his shoulder, the soft look he would get in his eye when he laughed at something Dan said, the flash of fear when Dan saw his cuts…the glances that Dan couldn't even begin to decipher. "…yes."

Chris sensed his hesitancy, and smiled victoriously. "You hesitated." "I'm thinking." "And?" "I honestly don't know. I could be misinterpreting everything-" "Look, Dan. I talk to Phil too, not just you. I am almost completely sure that if you told him, nothing bad would happen whatsoever. If anything…" Dan almost wanted to shoot him for giving him false hope.  _Almost._ "It's worth a try, Dan. He's not going to kick you out for it. It's not going to ruin your friendship, only make it…" "Awkward? Yeah, I know." "So, what's stopping you?" "A good best friend-ship is better than an awkward one, except.." "Except?" "Except we were growing apart anyway. So if I do anything else, this could blow up into a whole other thing." "Or it could go the complete other way, Dan."  _If only._ "I wish." "Try it… the sooner the better." "Why?" "You said you were growing apart." Dan's face fell at the reminder. "Yeah, and?" "I hate to go all…counsellor on you, but maybe at least opening up to him will bring you closer. Maybe that's what you both need." Dan shrugged. "I broke up with my girlfriend." "Who? Aisling?" "Yep." "Because-" "Well, for one, she was infatuated with thinking that me and phil were a thing. Second, I was scared that my relationship with her was what was pushing me away from Phil-"  _which it probably was._  "and in the end…I figured that I –ah.. uhm.. well. The whole – 'ooh Phil is so 'insert nice adjective here' and if anything happens to him, I'll shoot the person who did it - and at first I thought that was normal friend stuff, but then the whole pulse racing and breathlessness thing started, and I realized I hated the boyfriend for no reason other than him being with Phil- and not only that, I was jealous…" "You have it bad."  _Really bad._  "I know, and for the most part, I just wrote it off as it being normal jealousy because he was taking Phil's time away from me…" "You have it  _really_ bad." Dan bit back, frustrated. "Yes, thanks, Chris. I didn't know that already." He sighed apologetically. "Sorry. It's just…how can you love someone and not realize it?" The response was almost automatic. "because you passed it off for friendship."

"Then how could you tell? Right from the beginning. You knew before I did." _Or Phil did, for that matter… and that was a long while back._

Chris paused, his fingers playing in his lap as the tried to formulate the right words and put them together. _"_ Because friends don't act like that around each other, not even the closest of best friends. It takes a bit of crossing the line between friendship and relationship. Which I don't know how either of you did without realizing, but you managed…" Dan help up a hand to stop the sudden outflow of words. "Act like what?"

"Act like…" Chris grasped for words.  _Let's not over-do it, or he'll never remember wat I'm saying and write it off._  "If you two were…or are, still – though now it's better- in a room  _together_ , it's like no one else matters. There's the two of you and everybody else; you… what's the saying. Only had…have eyes for each other. It's not like either of you noticed- you still interacted with others, but you always managed to find your way back to each other, and, well, no one was as important if Phil was standing next to you- for example." Dan face palmed. "Honestly, Dan. You should tell him."  _It would completely make his night… and week, and- well. Everything. I know Phil. He'd never admit it full-on, but-_

* * *

\- Dan PoV

_Well, that didn't sound like it'd just popped out of a romcom. But the more I think about it... it's true, in a way. Shit. Shit shit shit. If I keep it up like this, Phil is bound to notice. Maybe Chris is right. Maybe I should tell him, before he notices and comes up with the wrong conclusion. But how?_

* * *

Can't make my own decisions  
Or make any with precision  
Well maybe you should tie me up  
So I don't go where you don't want me

You say that I've been changing  
That I'm not just simply aging  
Yeah how could that be logical?  
Just keep on cramming ideas down my throat

You don't have to believe me  
But the way I, way I see it  
Next time you point a finger  
I might have to bend it back  
Or break it, break it off  
Next time you point a finger  
I'll point you to the mirror

* * *

\- Chris PoV

"So, are you going to tell him?" Chris prodded, lounging against the sofa cushions.

"I …uh. I'm thinking about it."

 _That means yes._ Chris shrugged. "The sooner the better."

"Why are you so bent on me telling him?"

 _Because I know Phil. I got him tipsy once, he told me a few things._ Chris shrugged again, pretending to seem disinterested. "I'm just interested in my friends well-being and getting-along, that's all. And I like this sofa. If you two get along, I get invited to see my new girlfriend."

"No, seriously."

* * *

\- Dan PoV

"No, seriously."

Dan was painfully aware of how much they sounded like teenage girls discussing their crushes- but decided it was worth it. This was Chris, a close friend, and he seemed to know a lot he wasn't letting on- and that bugged him to no end.

"Every fangirl wants to see their OTP get together, Dan."

"… Are you calling yourself a fangirl?" Dan laughed, his shoulders relaxing as the tension –caused by the fear of having to tell Phil, and the panic at how he was going to go by doing it – disappeared.

"Yes, and proud to! I am a proud, independent fan-girl."

"Oh, Jesus."  _What have I started._

 _"So_."

"Yeah?"

"When's Phil coming back?"

"Tomorrow- or the day after. It depends on the meet-ups and how many there are, apparently..."

There was a small pause, and Dan regretted not having come up with more ideas for Chris coming over apart form a need for company so he wouldn't go bat-crazy. "Fancy going out, instead of staying in?"

"But I'm in a romantic relationship with this sofa, it won't let me go..." Chris stood up reluctantly. "Where would we go?"

"A few drinks, a walk around… the usual. Just so we're not always sitting around."

"I don't mind sitting. This sofa is the love of my life. YOU CAN'T SEPARATE US."

Dan chuckled and got up, and left to get his coat, saying, "Well,  _excuse_  me. I'll give you two a room then."

...

 

\- Chris PoV

Chris shivered against the cold, glaring at the ice-covered pavement, regretting not having brought a thicker jacket.  _I didn't exactly expect to go outside for longer than about, say, 5 minutes._

"Why did we even have to go outside? It's freezing, there's-"

He was stopped by Dan's hand on his shoulder. Turning around, he saw that Dan's face was the colour of the wall behind him- completely white.  _That's not good._  "Dan?"

"You wanted to see Phil's boyfriend, right?"

* * *

\- Dan PoV

Dan grumbled to himself, hating his surroundings, and especially, the weather.  _God, why am I surprised? Of course it's freezing. Fucking London and its bloody weather. Where did I get the idea of leaving the warmth of the flat would be a good one?_ He huffed to himself, spying the pub down the street as the spot where they could sit down and catch up-  _and not only talk about Phil. Forget the video idea and everything. Just talk about life, ask about Pj, et cetera. Need to get my mind off of it, I think. Which is a switch, really. From the whole "i-must-think-about-this-or-i-will-die" type scenario, because now I have a partial idea of what to do, even if it's not a fully formulated plan._

He signed to Chris with a tilt of his head- with Chris nodding his assent, they made their way to their usual hang-out. He quickly made his way to the pub, anxious to get out of the cold- that is until he noticed a familiar figure in an alleyway just off the main street. He did a double take, first thinking he was wrong and just seeing a normal teen in a hidden corner with his girlfriend- but no one had  _those muscles_  and those ultra-gelled spikes in their hair. But then the person he was thinking of  _did_  have a boyfriend- _not a girlfriend_ \- who happened to be his bestfriend  _and_ roommate?

_Of all the people I don't want to see, and of all the places to see him- it's a just a bit away from our flat and his house is … wait._

Red hot fury seared through Dan once he realized what was going on; there was Mike- just a few clicks away from the flat, fooling around in a dark alleyway.

_The little fucker._

_The nerve._

_If Phil knew-_

* * *


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spur of the moment..stuff. Right.

_I'm not angry anymore, well_

_Sometimes I am_

_I don't think badly of you, well_

_Sometimes I do_

_Depends on the day,_

_The extent of all my worthless rage_

_I'm not angry any more_

* * *

\- Chris PoV

Dan paled as he took in the scene in front of him. He didn't move as Chris bumped into him, not watching where he was going as he grumbled to himself. "Dan?"

"You wanted to see Phil's boyfriend, right?"

Chris followed Dan's gaze and shifted his own to a dark alley behind a few shops. He ignored the people shouldering past him and their glares, and tried to make out the dark shapes in the alley. "Yeah, and…?"

Dan's jaw tensed, clenching and unclenching his fist at his side. "Well, let's go see him."  _Phil's boyfriend lives in a dump?_  He peered down the murky alleyway, hearing only faint tittering, no doubt a girl and her boyfriend trying to have some fun out of public view. _I can't see a thing._  Shivering he looked back at Dan, who looked as white as a sheet. Chris took out his phone.  _If Dan's right… and Phil's boyfriend is fooling around, then I think we'll need some proof._

* * *

\- Dan PoV

Dan's mind was racing.  _Maybe I just imagined it?_  Stepping into the alley, he heard the unmistakeable baritone of Mike's voice.  _Shit. It's him. Definitely him._

 _Well, I'm not about to let him continue._  "Mike?"  _So much for getting along for Phil's sake._

The laughter cut short, an ominous silence taking its place.

"Hello?" Mike's voice was cautious, almost scared, his welsh accent making an even stronger appearance than usual. I would recognize that voice anywhere.  _You shouldn't have answered, you dumb fuck._  Dan marched himself to where Mike's voice came from, gritting his teeth to calm himself down, If only so he wouldn't punch a wall and break a knuckle before his fist could make a dent in Mike's face.

"Come on, Chris. I'll introduce you." His tone was bitter and acidic. His usual self – unchallenging and happy – was replaced by something he hadn't been or felt in quite a long time. Deep anger seeped through his veins, born through a naturally protective nature… and devotion for those he loved.

He tightened his fist near his side as he approached Mike's towering figure. "You're missing your spikes, Mike. What happened to them?" He crossed his arms and looked at the man in front of him- the man still clutching a tittering girl, who couldn't be older than seventeen, to his chest. "I'm sorry? I don't know what you're on about." "Oh, come off it. You're  _not_  tricking  _me_."  _You piece of shit._  Any thought to listening to any of Mike's reasoning flew out of his head.  _Let's get the poor, misguided girl out of here._  Dan nodded towards the girl with a lift of his chin. "Who're you?" The girl backed away from Mike, not liking Dan's menacing glare. Putting up a hand in a placating gesture, she pushed her fringe away from her face, and pulled her shirt back on hastily. "I'm…um. I'm Mel. I-uh, I'm-"  _I'm sure she has nothing to do with any of this. Mike probably deluded her as much as he deluded Phil._ "Do you mind leaving me with him for a minute?" "I-uh. Uhm. Sure."  _I hope she likes men with bruises._ Clearing her throat, she looked at Mike and made her way back to the street, shaking her hair around her face.

"Mike." Dan jutted out his chin, daring him to challenge the knowledge of his name. His eyes like a storm, he stared Mike down.

Mike let out a longsuffering sigh. "Dan."

Dan motioned to Chris, who was hovering a few feet behind him, looking thoroughly confused. "Chris, meet Mike. Mike, meet Chris." There was not ignoring the complete hatred laced into Dan's voice.

"Mike is Phil's…boyfriend." Chris looked at Mike, taking in his confident demeanour, and, of course, his huge physique. He looked back at Dan. "You're _sure_  this is Phil's…"

"Yes." "Not officially." Mike cut through him, causing another wave of hatred and anger to sear through him. "And just because it's not official, you think it's alright to go fucking around behind his fucking back?! What the _absolute fuck_  is wrong with you? Were you fucking dropped on your head?"

Mike shook his head, almost apologetically. "It was obvious he wasn't truly interested in me."

 _Sure, because that's a valid excuse to cheat._  Dan spoke through his teeth, regretting having brought Chris along to see him like this. "Not  _interested_ in you. Oh no, of  _course_  not. Because thinking that he "isn't interested" is definitely an excuse to go fucking someone else behind his back all the while leading him on." Dan was positively trembling with anger, and a small trace of fear had made its way into Mike's otherwise calm gaze. Chris' hand hovered over his shoulder, hesitant to touch Dan, whose tension was rolling off of him in waves. "But you won't tell him." That cut Dan short. Dan stood up taller, towering over Mike despite the height difference between the two. "Sorry?" "You won't tell him. You know what it will do to him if you do. You won't  _tell_." Dan was  _this close_  to breaking his nose. "What makes you think that, you big-headed deplorable fucktard?" "I've seen his arms. I can guess. This would only hurt him more if he knew." The crack resounded off the walls around them, a howl of pain following it.  _His arms. His scars. He's seen Phil's scars. He wants to use that against me? He's right. But Phil… should know. It would hurt him more to find out that not only had this happened, but that Chris and I knew and didn't tell him._  "Hoping to be in a relationship with a …a  _man_ -" Dan spat the word "if I can even bring myself to call you that- who would only cheat on him would hurt him more- once he found out for himself. Because he would. It always comes back to bite you in the ass, you know."  _The shit head thinks he can fucking control me. He didn't even plead, no. He thought he could blackmail me with Phil's…cuts? No. It would be worse for Phil to find out later. He has to know._

"I saw his scars, Dan." Mike repeated slowly.

* * *

\- Chris PoV

Chris' dislike of Mike started right from the point where he saw him; he was just like a "jock" from high school… and those people never seemed to change.  _They always seem to think they're better. They prey on the so-called…weak… which would make Phil a victim. The shit._  He jaw twitched _,_ and he held out a placating hand to Dan's shoulder. _Guess I'm here for Dan now. Can't do much, and I'm happy to just… snap a few pictures._ He grinned to himself.  _Good thing I got one with the girl. I have a feeling Dan will bring this to Phil… if he found a way to get rid of Mike, he'd use it. And I'm happy for him to. If Phil was happy with Mike… he would've told me about him right? Or are we just ruining Phil's happiness._ He shook his head t himself.  _I know he'd be much happier with Dan. That's the gospel truth. Getting Mike out of the picture,_ with proof _, is another way to get rid of him so that Dan can barrel his way in._

"I saw his scars, Dan."  _Scars?_ Chris made a mental note to ask about  _those_  later- the way Dan's eyes looked away sadly gave away the fact that he'd missed something.

"You don't want to add to them do you?" Mike asked menacingly, his eyes forming predatory slits. Dan's jaw snapped shut. Mike gingerly prodded his nose, blood seeping through his fingers as a victorious glint grew in his dark eyes. Dan's eyes were hooded as he resolutely nodded to himself. "Of course not. Which is why I'm telling him, you piece of shit. You're not worth my fucking time, let alone his." He turned on his heel, squaring his shoulders resolvedly. "He deserves so much  _more_  than you."

"You hurt him, more than I ever did…Dan." He ignored the muttering behind him, keeping his eyes focused straight ahead of him, counting up to fifty to calm himself down.  _26, 27, 28…_ He reached out an arm and pulled a frozen Chris along with him.

 

* * *

 


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (for Amy - thanks for the feedback!)

_If love's a fight, than I shall die,_

_With my heart on a trigger._

_They say before you start a war,_

_You better know what you're fighting for._

_Well baby, you are all that I adore,_

_If love is what you need, a soldier I will be._

_I'm an angel with a shotgun,_

_Fighting 'til the wars won,_

_I don't care if heaven won't take me back._

_I'll throw away my faith, babe, just to keep you safe._

_Don't you know you're everything I have?_

* * *

\- Dan PoV

_"It was obvious he wasn't truly interested in me."_

Was the one phrase that stuck in Dan's mind for the rest of the short trip down to the bar. What's that even supposed to mean? O _f course he was interested in you, otherwise he wouldn't be spending time with you, you little fuck. Who else would he be interested in?_

Nursing his throbbing hand, he said nothing aloud; he was still seething from the encounter.  _Fucktwad thinks he can cheat._  Chris' hand hovered over his shoulder more than once; he didn't notice.  _I hope I broke his fucking nose. Hmph. Taking advantage of Phil like that._ He fumed, glaring at everyone around him as though they'd been playing a part in Mike's game.

Chris finally addressed him once they'd walked into the pub, the warm air wafting outside and warming their cheeks. Thinking he'd given Dan sufficient time to calm down, he tilted his head at him. Dan was just as white as he was when he saw Phil's supposed boyfriend. "Dan, are you okay?"

Dan snapped at him. "Does it look like I'm-" Sighing, he stopped himself. "Sorry. Don't mind me. Full of pent up rage and all." He sighed once more, his shoulders sagging. "I'm okay. I'm worried about Phil"  _He just doesn't…_ deserve _Phil._

"Are you going to tell him?"

Dan nodded resolutely.  _I have to._  "Yes.  _Of course_  I will. Because he'll find out at some point, right? And then he could find out that  _we_  knew, and that would hurt him more, right?"

"I agree with you- but who says he'll find out, though? If they break up, I doubt… that Mike would say he was cheating." Chris dug his phone out of his pocket and found a booth. Sitting down and waving at a waiter, his attention was fixed on the screen before him.

"Who knows." Dan sneered, his eyes darkening with anger. "Why does  _he_  get Phil, and he's so fucking  _shallow_? Phil deserves better. He deserves the fucking truth."

Chris looked up from his phone, observing Dan's protective nature with fascination.. "Maybe it's a matter of asking, Dan."

To say Dan was puzzled would be an understatement."… _sorry_?"

"Maybe-" He stopped himself. "Mike's the one who asked Phil out, right?"

Dan shrugged half-heartedly. "…I don't know."  _I don't care. It doesn't matter who asked who. Still a couple. It... wasn't an "official" relationship. But that sure as hell doesn't excuse anything Mike did. He was still leading Phil on, and with Phil being fragile now-_

"Then maybe all you need to do is sit him down, explain we ran into his boyfriend... what happened and then, well, ask hi-"

"Chris, I'm not going to do that right after I break his boyfriend's cheating to him. Maybe Phil will give him another chance. Maybe he won't believe me. I don't know." Dan bit his lip uncertainly and shrugged off his coat, suddenly very warm. _It's kind of soon to break two huge things to him at once. 1) cheating boyfriend 2) Best friend that is -I refuse to say in love, bit soon to tell, really- attracted to him_

Chris shook his head. "Wouldn't it cheer him up? Why wouldn't he believe you?... here. If you're going to tell him, show him these if he doesn't believe you." He passed his phone to Dan, who looked down at it reluctantly. "If anything, he could thing I'm doing that only to cheer him up, Chris. I don't want him to think that...What  _is_  this?" He glanced over a few dark images. "Flip through the ones that are really dark. The others...either you use them as proof or blackmail. Or both. Turn into 007. Spy stuff." Chris grinned victoriously. Slowly – but surely- Dan's mouth began to echo Chris'.

He glanced up. "Brilliant. Except... I think I'll only keep these for…" "If Phil doesn't believe you?" "Yeah. He doesn't need more… evidence. You know? Hearing it is one thing…seeing it is another." Chris nodded in acquiescence. "Okay. I'll send them to you by email? Just so you have them in a better place than your phone."

Dan's phone buzzed. Looking over, Dan grinned brightly before the smile faded once more into a more exhausted expression as he rubbed his smarting hand absently.

"Phil?" Chris enquired, carefully watching Dan's expression, trying to figure out what it meant- and what Dan was thinking. Dan nodded slowly. "It's Phil.

* * *

_I'll be home in a few hours. It's raining cats and dogs here tomorrow, so there's no point staying longer than necessary. See you in a bit :)_

_… imagine cats and dogs falling from the sky. How scary would that be?_

* * *

"Yeah. He's coming home in a few hours." He paused, processing the information, his slow smile suddenly at the though of seeing Phil disappearing just as quickly as it had appeared. "Shit!"  _I barely have any time to prepare something to say. How do you tell someone that someone is cheating on them?_  A few heads turned around them, shocked at the exclamation. "What?!" Chris was just as shocked- if Dan had heard this earlier, he would be ecstatic, but now-

" _How_  am I going to tell him? I can't just say 'Oh yeah, Phil, I caught your" he stopped to mimic quotation marks with his hands "'almost-boyfriend' snogging a girl in the street just a few steps away from the apartment. Isn't that just dandy? Also, how was your trip?"

"Dan… you don't have to tell him right away. But then- telling him as soon as possible would be best, right?"  _And even better, how am I going to tell him… about, well, me?_

Dan sighed once more. "Yep. It would be. God, I need a drink."

* * *

\- Phil PoV

_Thank goodness I'm home._

Phil entered the apartment lugging his bag in behind him, fully expecting Dan to jump at the sound of the door opening and to come and help him as he usually did, with a huge smile on his face.

Instead, he found himself calling out Dan's name as opposed to the opposite. "Dan, you here?" His shoulders dropped once he realized Dan must be out.  _With Aisling, probably._

"Yeah, one second." A voice quietly called back. Phil found himself suddenly filled with trepidation despite the sound of Dan's voice. He wasn't happy, or loud, he didn't come jogging out of his room-  _Something's wrong. I hope Aisling hasn't broken his heart of anything. As much as this was a welcome break…_

Dan appeared a few seconds later, his face drawn with his hair tousled, long trails where his fingers had run through it incessantly. A small, tired smile tugged at the edges of his mouth. "Hi. How was the trip?" He slowly stepped to pick up one of Phil's bags. Phil stopped him with a gentle hand. "What's wrong?" Dan shook his head in response and nodded at the bags instead. "Let's take care of these first."

* * *

\- Dan PoV

Dan felt the warm hand touch his shoulder through the thin fabric of his shirt. Repressing a shiver, he refused to look Phil in the eye. "What's wrong?" _People have been asking that too much lately. Is it that obvious? Shouldn't I be asking him that?_

 _How the hell am I going to even start telling him?_ He lugged Phil's bags at a slow pace, his mind still racing.

_Phil already knows something's up. I can't hide it now; he reads me way too well and way too quickly._

_Shitshitshit._

_I just got home minutes ago; I haven't had anytime to plan-_

* * *

\- Phil PoV

 _Something is so definitely wrong. Did he not want me home by now? Maybe I should've stayed a day longer._  He looked up at an unexpected thump: Dan dropping his bag on his bed. "So, what's up?" He sighed inaudibly as he asked the question.  _I'm going to regret asking this._ Dan's eyes burned into his, a warm mix of sadness, anger, and determination.  _Definitely going to regret this._

* * *

\- Dan PoV

"So, what's up?"

Dan's shoulder's dropped in resignation. "You're not going to like this."

Phil's eyes bore into his own questioningly. "…tell me anyway."

Dan paused, rubbing the back of his neck self-consciously before standing in front of him.  _Might as well tell him like this_  "Okay… I-"

"Dan. Just go. I want to know." "I.. uh. Was out with Chris today. And we ran into … _Mike_..." Phil's chin lifted in question at Dan's tone- the hatred in it wasn't hidden this time. "With a girl."

Phil shrugged. "I have friends who are girls, so that doesn't bother me."

"…you don't understand." Dan looked away sadly.  _I don't want to be_ that  _blunt about it…_

* * *

\- Phil PoV

"…you don't understand."  _Mike + girl. Ah.. Right. For Dan to be telling me something like this- oh. Oh. Great. That's…wonderful._  He sagged against the wall behind him, a silent "Oh" issuing from his mouth.  _I'm not even surprised. And here I was thinking, for once, that I'd made a good…second choice. I… guess not._ "Great." He unconsciously looked around his room, rubbing at his arm, looking for the friends who'd been so eagerly awaiting him at home: his razor blades.  _I can't. I can't deal with this right now- I… Shit. Dan's here. I can't. No._

He looked up from the floor, starting to take Dan in as he thought. He noticed Dan's slightly swollen and red left hand.  _He should take care of that._ Pointing at it with a hand, he enquired with his eyes, not trusting his voice. Dan shrugged. "I might have punched him. In the nose. The… shit." He said through gritted teeth, glaring at the wall next to Phil's face. Phil's mouth curved into a sad half-smile _._  He stepped closer to Phil, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder. "I…I'm sorry to break it to you, like this, right after something fun… I could've told you tomorrow, but- you read me too well." Phil shook his head at him, looking away. "No. I needed to know… thank you for telling me."

* * *

\- Dan PoV

"Great." It was heart breaking to see Phil piece the pieces together, his formerly happy expression turning into one of despair. He felt a sudden, irrepressible urge to hold him close in a hug. He stepped closer to Phil, who was looking back at the floor once more. "I…I'm sorry to break it to you, like this, right after something fun… I could've told you tomorrow, but- you read me too well." His lips curved in the ghost of a smile.  _Only he has ever been able to do that._  He was sorely temped to lift Phil's chin and see a smile on it again; seeing that expression on it was enough to make him want to punch Mike five times over… with a hammer. Phil shook his head sadly, slowly. . "No. I needed to know… thank you for telling me."

He pulled Phil into a hug. "But not like this. I'm sorry. I've been there."

Phil's face was a hair width away from Phil's. Any determination or resolve he'd had to not look at Phil fully was completely eradicated. He held him closer, running a comforting hand up and down his back.  _Why does this always happen to the best of people? Why are people always such assholes?_

* * *

\- Phil PoV

He clutched Dan close, his voice muffled as he spoke into his shirt.  _At least he's my best friend. A...crush on a best friend isn't that rare, is it?.. and not just on some stranger in a bar. Even then- I seem to choose all the wrong people. A straight best friend. A cheating stranger that I had high hopes for._

"I don't get it. What do I keep doing wrong?"  _Good thing I wasn't that attached to Mike._

"You're not doing  _anything_ wrong. He's just a dick. One of many." Dan pulled back a bit, looking at him fully in the face, a frown starting to form as he attempted to decipher his emotions. "This isn't in any way your fault, Phil. Don't think like that. He didn't deserve you, okay? He wasn't-I… I talked to him and he just- he didn't…"

* * *

\- Dan PoV

"I don't get it. What do I keep doing wrong?" Dan frowned deeply at the wall.  _He doesn't do_ anything  _wrong. He hasn't done anything wrong- why does he blame himself? Mike was a fucking twat who doesn't know how relationships work._ "You're not doing anything wrong. He's just a dick."  _A huge dick that doesn't even deserve Phil's kindness. I mean what was his excuse again? "It was obvious he wasn't truly interested in me." I mean, what the hell kind of excuse is tha-_  The pieces suddenly clicked.  _O_ _h._

The words toppled out of his mouth as his mind raced once more, this time thinking about what Chris was saying- or rather,  _trying_ to say. What everyone had been trying to say. "This isn't in any way your fault, Phil. Don't think like that. He didn't deserve you, okay? He wasn't-I… I talked to him and he just- he didn't…"  _I hope I don't…If everyone was completely... no, if_ I _get this completely wrong because I believed them-_

* * *

\- Phil PoV

_First Dan, now… now Dan and Mike… this is never going to work out for me, is it? Ever. All I keep doing is picking the wrong people. One's straight, and the other a cheater…_

"This isn't in any way your fault, Phil. Don't think like that. He didn't deserve you, okay?"  _Deserve me? I'm obviously not good for any one, otherwise no one would cheat on me, or leave me when they go with their girlfriends…_  Evidently, I don't deserve them. Phil looked away, itching to lock himself away for an hour or two, the depression starting to set in once more.  _The saddest bit is that I'm not even that surprised._ Dan continued on haltingly, words spouting out almost breathlessly "He wasn't-I… I talked to him and he just- he didn't…Phil, I…"

A warm pair of lips gently met his own.

 


	25. Chapter 25

_I know you've suffered_  
 _But I don't want you to hide_  
 _It's cold and loveless_  
 _I won't let you be denied_

_Soothing_  
 _I'll make you feel pure_  
 _Trust me_  
 _You can be sure_

_I want to reconcile the violence in your heart_  
 _I want to recognise your beauty's not just a mask_  
 _I want to exorcise the demons from your past_  
 _I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart_

* * *

 

 

He pressed his lips against Phil's; there was no way to stop himself. He couldn't help it, and he hadn't wanted to stop himself, either. The minute it'd clicked in his brain, he decided he'd take the risk.

Phil had looked so vulnerable, so hurt and he just-

There was a sharp twist in his gut as Phil froze against him. Time seemed to slop down and he internalised his thoughts and held his breath.  _Oh fuck, I fucked up. I double fucked up._

_Not only is he going to think I'm doing this out of pity, because of Mike, but- shit. There was already a rift between us, oh god if I've made it worse, if I made it more awkward than it was... if Phil decides to leave because of this- oh god,  I was wrong, so wrong, so completely wrong... I misinterpreted everything, everyone was wrong, we all saw wrong. I mean there was him and Mike, right? He wouldn't have- Why did I have to realise it? Why did I have to realise what I've been feeling for a while now at exactly the wrong time?_

Dan had always thought their friendship strong, but what it this was what broke it?

He was scared to move, because he felt that if he did, he'd spook Phil even more than he already had.

Now they were fine; time had stilled and come almost to a stop - it had frozen along with Phil. Dan considered drawing back slowly, so Phil had space to think, so Dan could have an excuse to escape, to run and run and hide in a corner and hope no one ever saw him again because  _what the hell have I just_ done _?_

* * *

 

-Phil PoV

"He wasn't-I… I talked to him and he just- he didn't…Phil, I…"

Phil was still processing what Dan was saying when it happened. It's shouldn't have been unexpected; Dan had been angling towards him with a look he couldn't place but still made his pulse race- he'd thought this was normal. This always happened whenever Dan invaded a bit of his personal space. It was normal. Or so he thought, until he realised the lips pressed against his were Dan's. 

His brain short circuited. His breath stilled and he tensed; he was all too aware that he should be doing something, probably something like kissing back, but he couldn't help but focus on the lips pressed against his. They were warm, and soft, much softer than Mike's and- gentle. Almost pleading, but definitely gentle. Mike had never asked or given any sign before ramming his lips against Phil's - which he'd found horrible, frankly - but these lips were  _gentle,_  soft, warm against his own. He focused on the scent filling his nostrils - a mix of old spice soap and lavender.  _Strange, it's like.. Dan's. Dan!_ _  
_

And then he'd realised he'd shutdown at precisely the worst moment to shut down.  _Shit._   Dan was watching him through hooded eyes, and Phil paused to analyse this because he was  _close_. Dan was mere centimetres away, and Phil could see flecks of green ang gold in his eyes. There was a lot going on in Dan's expression, and Phil found it fascinating to watch. He kept a careful eye out for any sign or regret, that Dan would regret his action, that this was just a mistake to him, just a spur of the moment- but there was none. There was uncertainty, nervousness and a lot of self-deprecation, but no regret, no shame. 

_Oh, god_ damn  _it. This is- this is unfair. Dan's kissing me_ now,  _after all this time, after  - after Mike, (after?) Aisling, after everything? And now I freeze, now I shut down, just when-_

His breath leaves in a sharp gust as Dan's eyes rise to meet his own. He's glad that his body is ahead of him; it unfreezes agonisingly slowly, reminding him of snow in the winter sun, in Dan's sun. Because that's what he was- what was it the fans called him? A ray of sunshine.  _Well it definitely fits, goddamnit._  And if he didn't move, if he didn't reassure him that this was right, this was fine, this was what he wanted- Dan wouldn't be sunshine anymore. The look on his face was fragile, close to breaking, saying  _I fucked up_ , and Phil wanted to say, scream, shout "No, no you didn't.". He looked like he could break into a million pieces of glass at any moment, and Phil wished he could say something, anything, to alleviate Dan's fears but he didn't have to because his body did that for him. His arms finally move to wrap around Dan's waist and pull him closer. His breath mingled with Dan's and with a small tilt of his head, he pressed his lips to Dan's.

That was when he lost control. His brain derailed and he found that he didn't  _care_  about Aisling or Mike because all that mattered now was  _Dan._ Dan and his breath, and his lips against his own.Dan, who looked scared because thought maybe he'd ruined everything. Dan who was his everything - as cheesy as that sounded. Dan, who,  _goddamnit_ , smelled fantastic. Dan, who was his bestfriend and house mate. He was losing control, because this was  _Dan_ , the one person who he'd wanted to kiss since forever, and Dan had kissed him  _first_.

It wasn't  _fair_ . Dan was kissing him  _now_ , tenderly, gently, pleadingly  _after everything_  - and he was emotional. Phil was on an emotional rollercoaster because finding out someone is cheating on you isn't the best news to get, especially when you've just come home, even if you don't much care about that person anyway. It still stung, and it would for a few days to come. Phil was emotional because at the same time, just after finding out about someone cheating on him, he finds that his best friend - the one who he'd been pining over since what felt like  _forever_  - kissed him. He was emotional because said best friend had looked very scared when Phil hadn't responded immediately. Phil was emotional because that meant that said best friend wasn't just kissing him on impulse, because if it had just been an impule, he would've backed away by now and laughed it off, he wouldn't have seemed breakable, he wouldn't have hung on to Phil's every movement. Phil was emotional because this meant - this meant everything was going to change. Phil was emotional, because things were  _finally_  going his way.

* * *

 

Dan's worries dissipated the second a pair of lanky arms wound aruond his waist to pull him closer. No words were spoken, because Phil's eyes did the talking for him. His brow was raised slightly in surprise, as though he'd never been expecting this, but his eyes crinkled in the way that told Dan that he'd wanted it.

Dan stopped thinking about Phil's eyes once his lips brushed Dan's. Time rushed to catch up with them and the stasis from before was broken.  Dan was suddenly very glad he hadn't moved - and that Phil's arms were supporting him, because his legs were being very, very useles at the moment. Dan placed his arms around Phil's neck, with a wince of pain, because he'd completely forgotten about punching Mike in the nose, and clasped his hands together - _because damnit he would not_ stop _just because his legs stupidly decided to metamorphose into jelly-_ and Phil seemed to understand he needed more support than he was getting and manoevered them so Dan was pressed against the wall. Which didn't help Dan's mindset any, because  _holy shit_  Phil was stronger, much stronger than he looked - which, somehow, if possible - made his knees  _weaker_ than they already were for reasons he chose not to go into. 

Dan decided to snake his hand in Phil's hair and ease him closer - didn't matter if they were already close and kissing because it wasn't close  _enough._ Dan's heart rate was off the charts, and if he was like this, he didn't know how it would be for Phil. His face was red, he knew that much, and so was Phil's, but that was really all he knew because he was all too concentrated on the lips moving in sync with his own, their rapid, mingled breath, and the flush in Phil's cheeks.  _Fuck, why did we never do this before?_

Dan liked to think he made a manlier sound than a whimper when Phil pulled away for breath first, but he knew he really didn't. The glint in Phil's eyes told him as much, among other things.  Phil's eyes did the smiling for him, telling Dan that he didn't regret any of this either, that he'd wanted this too, that he'd always wanted this, and would want more of it in the close future .

Dan's breath came back to him in a large gulp as he swallowed the lump of affection that had formed in his throat as he studied the man in front of him. Dan liked Phil's eyes. A lot; they were one of his favourite things about Phil, and there were a lot of things on that list. They told him a lot of things that Phil never would outloud. Sometimes they did a lot of the speaking for him, betraying him when he was keeping his face as impassive as possible. Dan was so glad he learned to read them, that it had come to him easily, because the doubt that had stifled him before had completely disappeared.

Time slowed down again, the muted beeping of something background being the only thing they could hear apart from their own rapid breathing. Phil pressed his forehead to Dan's and closed his eyes, a contented look on his face. Dan's chest tightened at the sight, and something warm and unknown to him pooled in his stomach.  _It's been a while since I've seen that._  He could feel the thrum of his pulse reverberate around his whole being, and wondered if Phil could feel it, hear it. The hand that was previously in Phil's hair dropped down to his shoulder area and Phil opened his eyes with a pout. Phil was watching him cloesely, and Dan couldn't help but to feel slightly nervous.  Dan moved the same hand to cup Phil's cheek, because touch was  _important_. He had to feel Phil, ensure that this wasn't a dream - for himself, or Phil, he wasn't sure - had to feel the pulse thrumming beneath his finger tips, the heat rising from the flush on Phil's cheeks. He forgot about the nervousness as he ran a light thumb over Phil's lips, captivated by how they were plumper than usual, and how that was thanks to him. 

Phil's eyes were wide open now, wide and innocent and vulnerable, and Dan realised exactly what he'd done in kissing Phil.

He'd opened a flood gate; feelings and emotions from the both of them could spring free. Which meant-

Which meant he could break Phil's heart just as easily as Phil could break his, and he had no intention in doing it. What they had now was fragile; their friendship was as strong as steel, but this- whatever  _this_  was going to be- was going to be fragile, brittle, a thing that had to be coveted and protected and fought for until it was just as strong and flourishing as the friendship they already had.  A wave of protectiveness washed over him, and he smiled. He would  _not_ let anyone hurt Phil, especially himself. Phil's mouth mirrored his own, awarding him with a 1000 gigawatt smile.

Phil tilted his head so he was looking straight at Dan, and Dan was very, very much tempted to kiss him again. For as long as possible. Phil's hair was in complete disarray - you could thank Dan for that-, his eyes wide and shining and bright and  _blue_  -Dan wasn't sure why he'd never really paid attention to just how  _blue_  they could go- focused solely on him, his cheeks were rosy now and not as flushed - you could also thank Dan for that-, his lips plump and slightly parted in his breathing. Hot  _damn._  He'd always thought of Phil as atractive, but  _honestly?_   This was something else entirely - this is a thousand times more attractive than usual, especially since he was the one who caused it.  _Oh yes_ , he was very much tempted to kiss Phil, just to see it all happen again. 

Dan knew his top priority should be to reassure Phil that this wasn't a mistake, at least not on his part. That this was something he'd meant to do, and had wanted to do for longer than he'd realised. "Phil." he said, slightly breathless, his voice surprising him by sounding deeper than usual. 

* * *

He knew they'd have to talk about this, talk about  what it meant, what it meant for them. But he didn't want to do that right now. He didn't want to think about Aisling or Mike or his scars. 

He wanted to watch Dan watch him, have Dan's hands cup and caress his face and forget about the world for a few hours. 

He didn't want to think about how Dan now held his heart in his hands, how if he crushed it, Phil would still come back like a kicked puppy, he didn't want to think about the implications if Dan didn't really feel the same towards Phil. He didn't want to think about how Dan could still be with Aisling tomorrow, how he'd have to watch as Dan sauntered off with her hand in his and have to pick up the pieces Dan would leave in his wake. 

He didn't want to think about the fact that _if_ Dan felt the same, exactly the same, then Phil held Dan's heart in his hands, he didn't want to think about how Phil was a mess and could easily mess up break it and do something unforgivable that would chase Dan away forever, he didn't-

"Phil." Phil watched Dan's lips form his name, revelling in how he was able to do it up close, and decided that this was how things had to be. For a very long time to come. He'd find a way to make it happen. Somehow.

"Dan." Phil wondered briefly if Dan could read his mind, because his eyes were piercing as they looked into his. They were testing it now, Phil saw, already testing what this meant for them.

"I've been meaning to do that longer than I thought." Dan confessed, his eyes bright with the smile that his mouth didn't curve to form. Dan sighed, and his non-injured hand cupped Phil's other cheek. "I just-" He paused and Phil wondered, for an unbearable moment, if Dan was going to write this off as nothing, as just his nerves getting the better of him, and would walk away. "I just thought you deserved better." 

Phil took a moment to process what he meant; their former conversation had completely slipped his mind. Phil's heart felt like it was swelling painfully to two times its size. Dan, despite what Phil had thought and said beforehand, had always cared. Phil's scars, Phil's attitude, hadn't scared him off or changed anything in the way of how he saw Phil. No. Dan had always cared; the problem was, Phil saw, that he wasn't very good at showing it. Until now.

"Then it's a good thing  _you_  came along, right?"

Dan blushed, and his fingers traced the contours of Phil's face. "You know, Phil,  I could  _just_  kiss you."

"Well," Phil said, smiling coyly, "I'm not going to stop you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello people  
> Okay I'm sorry I hadn't realised I needed to update until I saw Maia's comment  
> which is true, I have a ff.net version of this story; but I'm switching it up from this point. I kind of thought that you guys deserved better than something copy-pasted from a word document and still be ages behind the other one. So. Let's see where this takes us?  
> I'll try and update every week, probably on the weekends. I'll figure it out as this goes on. (Don't worry, I've set a reminder this time)


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello :)  
> Hey call-me-angelo. You okay?
> 
> Finals suck.

_Is our secret safe tonight_   
_And are we out of sight_   
_Or will our world come tumbling down?_   
_Will they find our hiding place_   
_Is this our last embrace_   
_Or will the walls start caving in?_   
  
_(It could be wrong, could be wrong) But it should have been right_   
_(It could be wrong, could be wrong) To let our hearts ignite_   
_(It could be wrong, could be wrong) Are we digging a hole?_   
_(It could be wrong, could be wrong) This is out of control_

* * *

Dan huffed an affectionate laugh. "Thank god, I didn't think I could stop myself for that much longer."

Phil smiled, close-lipped this time, raising a hand to brush Dan's fringe out of his eyes before returning it to Dan's hip. "How long?"

"Long enough - long before I realised it."

Phil tilted his head at him inquisitively, and Dan's control started to crumble, because he wanted to kiss him again, not talk.  _But this is important._   "What do you mean?"

Dan leaned back against the wall with a content sigh, pressing more comfortably into the hands holding him; he knew if he stood too close to Phil, he'd give up on speaking and do something else entirely. 

"I mean... I mean, I only realised ..this," he looked between the two of them, reluctant to move his and from Phil's face to emphasize his point, "the other day. I've been wanting to to it forever, I just never realised it. Which is stupid, I know. It just hit me.  Everyone realised before I did - Even Aisling."

* * *

 _Aisling._ The one person Phil didn't really want to think about right now. Or ever.  _No. All I want to do is-_ He sighed. Aisling was the one that got between them in the first place, of course she'd come up in their conversation now; she would always haunt him.  _Dan could walk away with her tomorrow and I would be powerless to do anything. But he wouldn't do that, not after this-_

"Phil?" Dan's voice, gentle and tender, caught his attention. The thumb stroking his cheek stopped, and he looked up to meet Dan's eyes. "What's wrong?"

He knew he couldn't exactly say 'the thought of you walking away right now with that _girl_ ', and so he stuck with "Nothing." Even though it stung to say it, even though he knew Dan didn't believe him, even though he knew he should address this now. "Phil. Tell me." Dan was pleading now, and he loved and hated it. He opened his eyes and decided that they might as well address this now.  _This might be the best time to do it. Give him time to - to what, exactly?_

 _"_ You... Aisling?" He hated that he couldn't properly string words together, that the name _Aisling_ was probably twisting his facial expressions, but Dan was too close and this was a topic too close to his heart for him to annunciate it clearly without planning it out beforehand. Thankfully, Dan seemed to know what he was trying to say. "You mean our ... relationship?" Phil tried to hide a wince and nodded. Dan grinned. "Phil, I ended that ages ago." Phil hoped that his mouth didn't actually drop open like he thought it did. "I-When?" Dan shrugged. "The day before you left. I figured it was high time. I- it was thanks to you, really." 

Phil remembered that day well; he'd thought it was unfair, but unsurprising that Dan was leaving him alone the day before he left, even with his plan of starting over with Phil, even with the plan of spending more time with him. Dan had been pacing for ages, hours, even as Phil looked on, wondering if he could help. Phil had tried to ignore the way Dan was glancing at him, how it made him feel because  _Dan has Ailing, and I have Mike I should seriosuly stop feeling like this_ ,  _you're mis-interpreting that look, Phil, stop it-_ And Dan had suddenly left to go change and shower after a final, pinning look at him, leaving him to wonder what the hell was going on. But now, it all made sense.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

Dan hung his head, avoiding Phil's gaze. "..I thought you'd ask why. I couldn't exactly announce 'hey Phil I'm totally in lo- I mean, attracted, to you and so I broke up with my girlfriend today because she kept insinuating we had a thing even though we didn't and I did it knowing you still had a boyfriend, but I figured it'd be better than being stuck with someone thinking you're in a relationship with the person you _want_ to be in a relationship with even though you're not-" Phil cut through him with a laugh and kissed him, unable to help himself this time round. To say he was  _happy_ would be the understatement of the century; he was fucking soaring in the clouds, because damn it no one could stop him now. Aisling wouldn't be a part of his life anymore, and he could damn well live with that. And Mike, well, simply put, could go stuff himself; He was glad that whatever it was between them had simply been attraction - and wanting to escape Dan and said girlfriend- at least on his part.

"Dan, we're a mess, you'd think we could communicate better by now. _Everyone_ knew before us."

Dan was smiling too, but his tone was serious when he asked "But...What about Mike?" "What about him?" Phil shrugged. "He was a distraction, as bad as that sounds. I didn't really want to see you and  Aisling snogging all the time. Especially not when I-uh. Yeah."

"When you ... ah, yeah?" Dan asked with a smirk. "It's the same deal that you had with Aisling." 

"Oh."  And Dan burst out laughing, and laughed and laughed until there were tears in his eyes. "Damn, we _are_  a mess, that's for sure. We could've done this ages ago."

 

"But Dan, ages ago you didn't... know?"

"Well I know that if you'd kissed me then, I'd be surprised but ... I'd've kissed you back. Still had feelings then, I just... decided to ignore them. I don't know why."

And yet, Phil still had a seed of doubt about all of this; it didn't seem to matter that Dan was looking at him with what could only be described as affection, that there was no trace of a lie on his face, that Dan looked just as happy to be in his arms as he was in Dan's... He still distinctly remembered Dan announcing to Aisling that, 'Phil and I- we're just friends. Best friends. But friends' very seriously. He knew Dan would write it off as him being clueless at the time or -

"Phil, you're thinking again."

"I'm always thinking."

"Spill?"

The thumb that was previously on Phil's cheek was now exploring the contours of his face, from his forehead to his chin, and Phil found himself once again wanting to shut up and enjoy the moment. 

"I was just remembering... you'd told Aisling, when we went to the festival.."

"That we're just friends? Best friends. But friends.' That?"

Phil nodded, and Dan laughed without humour. "And it was a load of bullshit. I was there contemplating if that was _actually_ true or not, but knowing I couldn't say the opposite because we were there with our respective... dates, and I was starting to realise then. Mike helped with this whole thing."

Phil's eyebrows rose,  incredulous. "Mike? He helped? How?!"

"Jealousy can do a lot to teach a man." He admitted sheepishly, pointedly ignoring the small smile that was forming on Phil's lips. "I- uh. I never liked him from the start, I hated it when he kissed you, or touched you or...and I didn't know why. Looking into it helped me realise a lot of things." "Like?" Phil's arms were looped more tightly around Dan's back now, more possessive than before, and Dan loved it for more reasons than one; it meant Phil was accepting and believing the truth of what he was saying, it meant Phil would probably be doing this more often, it meant- He cleared his throat. "Well, for one, I am one jealous bastard, when it comes to you. Two, I'm going to sound like a five year old saying this, but I wanted to be the one kissing you, not him, which obviously revealed a lot. Three, it made me decide that I would do anything I could so that I could have-" Phil's lips pressing against his own and he forgot what he was talking about.

He whined, "Hey, Phil? I could've been trying to say something terribly romantic and kissing me right in the middle doesn't help." Phil's eyes shone with mischeif. "You were already saying 'terribly romantic' things. I've been wanting to do this for years, and now I have the opportunity. Can you blame me?" Dan didn't deign to reply and threaded his fingers through Phil's hair, mindful of the bump and his own injured hand, and pulled him close. Phil's hands wandered along the expanse of Dan's back and hips, leaving goose bumps in their wake. If Dan's knees were weak before, it was nothing compared to now, and he didn't think that was particularly fair; it was like the first time all over again, and he figured this was a novelty that would never wear off. "Damn it, Phil."

 

 


	28. This isn't real

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Conversations between characters are not my forte.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shit guys  
> I'm so sorry - I was off for a month because I was on PDM  
> and now we're in the middle of moving- this summer was so hectic that I honestly had little chance of updating until now.  
> Forgive me!!

_We've waited so damn long, we're sick and tired_   
_I won't leave any doubt or stone unturned_   
_I've got a collar full of chemistry from your company_   
_So maybe tonight I'll be the libertine_   
  
_Oh show me your love, your love,_   
_Gimme more but it's not enough_   
_Show me your love, your love_   
_Before the world catches up_   
  
_'Cause there's always time for second guesses I don't wanna know_   
_If you're gonna be the death of me, that's how I wanna go_

* * *

 

It was normal for the both of them to sit down infront of the telly after a long day; which was what today was, Dan supposed, what with Phil's travelling and him _discovering_ the Piece of Shit cheating... 

He walked over to Phil, who was already sitting down with a cup of tea in his hand. He handed him a plate of biscuits and sat down next to him, making sure to go as close as possible.  _Because I can, now._

_Without feeling awkward._

"You doing okay there? You sure you have enough space?" Phil asked with a small smile, moving slightly to the side to give Dan a bit more of the couch than he was getting.

"'m nebver too cblose to ybouo" Dan mumbled through a biscuit. He swallowed and cleared his throat, meeting Phil's questioning stare with a mock challenge. "What?"

 _Aw, he's blushing._ Phil tilted his head slightly and asked, "Did you choose a movie?"  _Shit, it's cute. Okay, look away, pretend you didn't notice._

He nodded enthusiastically in response. _Phil's going to love it._ "Yep." _I think._

"Are you going to put it on?"

 _Shit. Right._ He glanced over at the television, the black screen staring defiantly back at him. _But I'm **comfortable.**_  "Ah. I have a slight problem."

Phil put down his cup of tea, raising an eyebrow. "What is it?" 

"I put the DVD in, but I'm in way too comfortable a position to move to get the remote."

Phil snorted and easily reached over him to get the remote from the table and handed it to him. 

Dan wrestled with a cushion before finally deciding to place it in Phil's lap; he would figure out what to do with it later. He watched Phil shake his head in the corner of his eye and wondered what he was thinking.

* * *

Phil watched in faint amusement as Dan settled into the sofa next to him, nestling himself comfortably between Phil and the arm rest. He handed him the remote and wondered if it was too soon to cuddle. 

His heart still raced at Dan sitting so close to him; but it wasn't the same as it was before. It came with the realisation that this could happen at any time, now. He could sit as close to Dan as possible without worrying about risking anything, he could watch Dan without any questions being asked, without having t be covert about it - it was perfect. He felt unstopbbable - all his worries were taken care of. Everything was fine. Everything was better than fine, and he was content to sit and watch it happen.  The knowledge that Aisling would no longer make an appearance in his life was sweeter than he'd care to admit; and the fact that he didn't have to face Mike again -  _I'll deal with it later -_  made the day as good as it as it could get. And that was omitting  _the kiss._  He didn't want to think about it _too much_ , because otherwise he'd get nowhere. Phil was decidedly _not_ dwelling on the fact that Dan had kissed him first. Or the fact that Dan didn't regret it; that  _he felt just the same_ -

"Earth to Phil."

Phil blinked and Dan came back into focus, looking at him expectantly, the slightest hint of a laugh  curving his lips - _which he was determinedly_ not _looking at-_. "Hm?"

"You ready to watch The Shining?"

Phil grinned and shifted his gaze back to the television, which was thankfully, on. _Good distraction. I won't be too focused on what happened. I won't overthink it. I hope._  "Are you serious? Always."

"Good, because this is like the 4th time we've watched it in the past month."

The Shining was one of their guilty pleasures, along with Buffy and Kill Bill; and it was one of the movies that had defined their friendship from the beginning. Dan choosing it wasn't mere chance, he was going for symbolism. Cheesy, easy to read symbolism, but symbolism none the less.  It meant the start of something new. They'd gone to see it together the second time they met up in person; and it had been a pivotal moment in their friendship. And _now_ -

He was contented to just sit back and watch Dan watch a - _their_ \- movie; he felt amazing. More than amazing.

 _Especially_ since Dan's shoulder was _his_ for the taking, this time. 

* * *

 Dan knew from the beginning that he wouldn't be able to focus on the movie, particularly because Phil was _right_ next to him; but he knew it was good background noise. It gave himan excuse to zone out and think. Because  _wow._   _Everything happened so fast._ And he didn't care; as long as Phil was with him on this, he didn't give a flying fuck on what would happen next, or how fast this was going. This was a perfect change of pace and so, he. did.not.care. Because the one person whose opinion he cared about on all of this, was right next to him, on the same page as him. And everything was fine. 

He turned the television on with a click of the remote and replaced it with a mug of coffee. If he was going to think about it anymore than he already was, he needed background noise to excuse him for not doing anything; sitting in silence was a thing that they did, often enough. But the silence would feel empty; he didn't know what Phil was thinking about, but he could definitely hazard a guess. The movie would give them an excuse to talk about nothing and everything, from _them_ to scary charactes, and so, he started it. He felt Phil settle into the cushions next to him, his shoulder warm against Dan's. Dan smiled and resolutely looked away.

 

He'd kissed Phil without thinking. Normally, he'd be berating himself for this kind of thing. He often thought things through, and often, all too much. But now he was congratulating himself. 

This was a spur of the moment thing that he wasn't going to regret; sure, he could've planned it better. But if he'd thought about it like he always had, he'd have let the moment slide and knowing him, he'd probably never have taken the chance, not unless he was drunk. Phil, on the other hand, had been feeling like this for "years"; and knowing him, he wouldn't have acted on anything without concrete proof. _Which he has, now,_ Dan thought wryly.  _He'll need some more, I guess, with everything that's been going on.. but this is a good start._

He was very, very lucky. Lucky that Phil reciprocated, lucky that Phil hadn't cared for Mike as much as he'd thought, lucky that Phil didn't think Dan was taking advantage of him because of the cheating incident, lucky that Aisling had made him realise sooner than all too late, lucky that it all worked out. Of all the things that could've gone wrong, this went right. 

Of course, they had a few things to think, let alone talk about: what this meant for them, if they'd feel the same about this tomorrow, if Phil  _actually_ wanted this, if this would be something serious, if their friendship would be ruined by it if this fell through, if -

 _I have to stop doubting everything. Of all the things that could_ actually _work out and last, this would be one of them. This is Phil and I. We.. we can do this._

What they had was bright, shiny and new, and it would be for quite awhile - he'd  _loved_ Phil for a very, very long time. Not realising it was stupid; but it happened, and there was nothing he could do about it.  That was the problem with being _in_ love with your best friend. You could love them romantically and believe it was platonic, and normal, because you were close, closer than most, as Aisling had put it. But having said best friend  _love you back_ , was - holy shit - , the most amazing thing. It meant they could skip a lot of things that happened in normal relationships. They knew so much about each other that they didn't need to worry about knowing each others' fears, insecurities, past relationships; they knew it all already. All they had to do was focus on the present, which wasn't exactly hard, given they were almost always together - _or we will be,since Mike and Aisling are out of the picture-_ and they could focus on what this meant. Where they were going with it. But they didn't really  _need_ to because it came hand in hand with their friendship. Just with a few -who was he kidding, _a lot of_ - added benefits.

But what they had now was also very breakable. He was all too aware of it; it would take time for it to grow and strengthen like their friendship had - should Phil want this as much as he did -. He knew he was a master of understatement. Believing this  _thing_ he had with Phil was just a crush would be detrimental to what they had; because he'd be lying. To himself to Phil. Because this wasn't just a simple little crush that can happen when you're around someone for a long period of time. No, this was so much more. A 'little crush' wouldn't cause him to want to go on a rampage whenever Mike was anywhere near him. A little crush wouldn't mean that Phil made up his whole world - a little crush would mean he wouldn't have been aware of jealous of every single little touch that happened between Phil and Mike. A little crush wouldn't feel like he was cheating on Phil everytime he went off with Aisling. No. A crush was small; it was attraction, it was liking someone for a small amount of time. But not to this magnitude.

The only time this  _thing_ was anything like a crush - it was that it would  _crush him_ if it ended. And he didn't like thinking about it.

He looked up and watched the light of the TV play on Phil's face, and decided that he would find a way to make this work, no matter what. 

_No one will get in our way._

* * *

Phil wathed the movie with all the focus he could muster; if he let himself slip, just once, he'd be filled with doubts. About everything. He knew himself well enough to know that would happen, and he didn't want that to start just yet. He wanted to be happy, just this once, without doubting anything. Without doubting himself, without doubting Dan. No "what-ifs". 

He took a deep breath, tucked his legs underneath him. He could do this. He could focus on the telly and ignore the hurricane in his brain. He could do that. 

He could stop thinking about Aisling and believe Dan when he said they were over; that he'd broken up with her the day before he left for Birmingham. He wouldn't lie about that, right?

Dan leaned closer to him, and placed his coffee cup on the table before settling more deeply into the cushions. Phil took that as an opportunity to place his head on Dan's shoulder.

To prove to himself that he could do this without worrying. To prove that Dan was up for this. 

He held his breath as Dan shifted to accomodate him, not sure whether or not Dan was pulling away. He breathed out in relief as Dan took his hand as well. He looked up and could see that Dan understood. Dan with his kind eyes and even kinder disposition. He met Dan's eyes hesitantly, not knowing what he would see there. He wasn't expecting Dan to be smiling at him. Smiling without smiling - the smile he reserved for Phil. The one where he smiled only with his eyes. Where his eyes shone with affection. He knew how much reassurance Phil needed. And he was perfectly fine with giving it. 

Phil burrowed his head into his shoulder and sighed contentedly as Dan's thumb stroked his hand. 

He slowly breathed in and out, feeling Dan breathe, listening to the movie, the stillness of the flat.

He watched as the light outside began to grow dark, and he watched the sun set. 

He timed his breathing to that of Dan's - 

_1_

_2_

_3_

_Breathe out._

_1_

_2_

_3_

_Breathe out._

_1_

_2_

_3_

_Breathe out._

and calmed down. He was calm, and elated as hell. 

Dan kissed him, he kissed Dan, and here he was on Dan's chest watching one of their favourite movies. And Dan understood. He understood  _exactly_ what Phil seemed to need, without knowing what he was thinking. 

Everything was going perfectly, and he only wondered when this exquisite moment would end.

When the dream would stop.

Because it would. It always did.

* * *

 

 Dan smiled fondly as Phil fell asleep against him, mumbling softly as he did. He ruffled his hair before moving him so that Phil wouldn't have a crick in his neck later and moved his head so his body was almost straight. He took the pillow from Phil's lap and placed it as a wedge between Phil's head and the arm of the sofa, so he was pressed against Dan but his head was supported by the pillow and the arm of the sofa. He slowly and gently took off Phil's glasses, placing them on the table where Phil usually did, knowing that Phil would panic if he didn't find them. His left, injured hand was still clasped with Phil's, but he didn't care about the small pangs of pain that happened everytime he ran his thumb along the back of Phil's hand. He knew his hand would be swollen by now, but he didn't care. All that mattered right now was Phil. He could deal with his hand later; all he needed was ice, after all. He put his other arm around Phil, loosely securing him in place, but leaving him enogh space to move around if he wanted to.

Phil needed constant reasurrance. Especially now.

He needed hugs and compliments and hand squeezes.

Dan knew that for all Phil knew, Dan could be doing this thinking it was the best way to go by stopping him from cutting. 

Dan knew that. Dan knew Phil had his doubts. A lot of them. He knew those doubts in particular. After everything that happened, after Dan ditching Phil for Aisling, or other girlfriends that he could never seem to keep for long - now it made sense-, Phil was probably thinking that Dan could leave at any moment, that he didn't want any of this. Mainly because he probably believed his presence to be a nuisance (which Dan could never understand, because, well, this was  _Phil_ we're talking about), that his.. self-harm would cause issues, that Dan wouldn't be able to deal with him.

No.

He tensed his jaw, determined.

Dan would prove to Phil that he was wrong about all that.

That he was a nuisance, a pain, a drain on everyone. That he was selfish. That nobody loved him. That self-harm was the answer. That he could be abandoned at any moment, and had to protect himself all the time.That he had to keep a mask, a shield, to protect himself from everyone. That everyone had the means to hurt him.

Dan understood, now that Phil had shown him what was wrong, so many days ago. Phil had only let him in on the smallest thing, but Dan knew a lot from his own experience. He could put the peices together. He knew Phil. He knew what he thought.

He would prove that he would stay by Phil's side until Phil didn't want him there anymore. Which was, hopefully, never. He had to show Phil that he had helped him, in so, so many ways. Through the depression of highschool, through the existential crisis' that always happened after very long days.He had to show Phil that he was there for him, no matter what, no matter the time, in any and every way possible. And now, he could. 

He could show Phil that he loved him in everyway, he could be with him all the time. Now he had the chance to help Phil, as well as love him. And he was going to do whatever was in his power to do both.

* * *

Phil woke up cheerful, something he hadn't done in awhile. He wasn't entirely sure where he was, because it was dark and he han't entirely woken up just yet. He felt around for his glasses with his right hand - thanking god he hadn't fallen asleep with his contacts in or his glasses on - and found them on the table, something he didn't remember doing. He didn't remember taking them off either. His other hand was stuck in something warm, and he coldn't be bothered to move it just yet.

The cheerfulness didn't last long. His dream - because it definitely was a dream, no matter how realistic it was - had been fantastic, fantastic enough for him to want to go back to sleep, but he needed to find out where Dan was, because it  _was_ dark outside, if the lack of light in the flat gave any indication. The thought of Dan with Aisling only made him miserable, left him feeling cold and alone.

His dream had been  _so_ real; coming home from travelling, only to find Dan with sad news about Mike cheating on him before kissing him. Which had been fantastic thanks to how realistic it'd been. But now - now it just caused a lump in his throat. Because it would never happen. Because Dan was with Aisling, not watching 'The Shining' on the sofa with him, and he was using Mike despite being head over heels for his best friend. He realised from the slight sinking of his body that he was on the sofa. His breath caught in his throat - no,  no. Being on the sofa didn't tell him anything. His dream was just being as realistic - or as unrealistic - as always. Dan would never have kissed him, especially not on impulse like that.

He moved his head to a more comfortable position on the warm cushion and wondered when he'd have to get up. If Dan was with Aisling this late, obviously he wouldn't be home..

Something shifted against him, and he lay very, very still. 

"Phil?" A deep, sleepy voice, asked in a rumble that he could hear from beneath his head.

He listened to the sound of cloth rusting against fabric; felt Dan's arm move over him him, almost protectively, as though checking he was still there.

And with a light squeeze of Phil's hand, Dan's breathing evened out once more.

A lump formed in his throat and forced him to breathe through his nose. His eyes blurred.

Dan was with him, right next to him, acting as a cushion, holding his hand, his arm draped over Phil's stomach.

And suddenly, very suddenly, he felt like crying. 

It had happened. All of it.

The moment would  _never_ end. The dream never started. 

He clutched Dan's jumper with his free hand, as if letting it go would stop all it happening. As if his life depended on it.

All of it was  _real._


End file.
